Desiderium

The things that should be familiar to me, are now ghosts in a haunting past. But these things were not always so estranged. The smell of a lavender whisps past me in my sleep, and I dream of you. I see a forest, fallen logs, overgrown with moss, not unlike your eyes and I see you, gazing into my soul. Your hand warmly squeezing my own and I feel you nearby. These things are strangers to me. Things I once swore I would grasp tightly and never let go. Yet, now that they are distant and nearly forgotten they have never been closer. As the memory fades, I grasp even tighter, like holding onto air it sifts right through me. I am constantly in a state of loss for what I cannot have back. My time, my words, my actions…You. I watch you fade from my mind as you are erased from existence. The world scrambles to remove your imprint, raining on the footsteps you left behind, replacing things that you once touched. I reach out for you to bring you back, but can’t quite reach. Always mere inches away… I jolt awake, confused and unnerved. My mind scrambles to assemble my consciousness back into reality. It’s been 7 months since you died, hit by a drunk driver. You died on impact, but somehow, it was even more abrupt than that. It was movie night, I was waiting for you to join me, still reading your “On my way!” text as the popcorn cooled. Then the police arrived. I didn’t cry that night. I stayed awake far past midnight, waiting for you to show up, for someone to call and say they made a mistake, that it wasn’t really you. Time slowed and sped up at the same time. Days turned to weeks and weeks into months, blurring together until I couldn’t remember the year. Somehow, I am both decades away from that fatal moment, while also stuck in anticipation, waiting for you to arrive. But I can’t wait for what will never arrive. I can’t keep looking for you in every crowd, can’t stop seeing your ghost haunting the places you’ve been and I have long since realized that I can’t keep living in a world without you in it. So, I, being the problem solver that I am, will find a way to bring you back, or some version of you... It’s a work in progress. As a computer engineer, I am no stranger to the evolution of virtual reality, but what I am building is beyond that. It’s a program I have nearly perfected called ‘Desiderium’. But there’s nothing virtual or fake about it. It’s a technology that can access and control the temporal lobe. Memory access has been theorized for a long time, and I have made it a reality. If it works as designed, Desiderium can access a specific memory and replay it in my mind, something so real that no virtual reality can challenge it. After all, what is more real than the past. To be able to access it brings a whole new world of opportunity. But I have no interest in fame or fortune, just a minute with her. One more minute with her and the countless sleepless nights will all be worth it. I push the warm blanket off of me, swing my legs over the edge of the bed and press my feet into the cold floor. Today is the day. After a few minor adjustments, I can see my Lily again. Excitement travels through my veins like sparks of electricity, fighting off the last fragments of drowsy fog. My impatience getting the best of me, I sit down at the desk while still in my pajamas. I brush my hands up and down my arms to chase the morning chill away, my feet tapping the tiled floor in impatience as the computer fired up. Code ran in green lines, scrolling down the screen faster than I could read. Complicated lines and formulas fill the screen as I type destinations and path codes that will help direct the sensors into the correct area of my brain and enable mental control so I can appoint the memory when the time comes. Finally, I started poking the wires and needles into myself, ignoring the stinging that follows. These will help keep Desiderium focused so it has a direct connection to me. I felt my eyes drawn to the photo pinned above my desk, a faint smile falling on my lips as an immobile Lily smiled back, striking a relaxed pose in front of some historically significant building that she dragged me to see. She was so excited. And I was so oblivious. I hardly knew what she was talking about, all I knew was that it made her happy, and I would do anything to see her smile. I’ll see you soon. I whisper before clicking the ‘run’ button on the screen. I fell back into the chair as whirring noises filled the room as Desiderium prepared itself. My eyes squeezed shut and my nails dug into my palm, nervous shivers running down my spine before I let my body go limp. I utilized every ounce of concentration to picture that day including every detail I could muster. I felt myself thrown back as my mind detached, separated from earth and body. Reluctantly, I peeked through my lashes. “Good morning, sleepy.” Lily smiled at me. The early sun caressing her features as though in awe. I drowsily blinked. “Morning.” A voice said, sounding awfully similar to my own. I vaguely feel my face shift as I yawn. My body moves of its own accord as I snuggle into the blankets. “Mmm, what do we have planned for today?” I ask, grinning sleepily. Lily tries to contain it but I can practically see the excitement bubbling inside her. “Don’t play coy with me!” She giggles, playfully pulling on my arm. “Get up! Get up! You promised we’d visit the…” Her words faded slightly as if said from miles away. “Huh? I didn’t catch that.” I asked, but Lily ignores my words. Something doesn’t seem right. I look around me, just now realizing the blurry patches in the walls and obscured items on the desk. Plagued with forgotten details, the room begins to deteriorate. With another wistful glance at the oblivious girl, I leave the bed for the second time that day and reach for the door. As I swung it open, I found myself staring into a grey abyss. Nothing. Okay, so I can’t leave the room, no biggie. The program can use a few tweaks, but its so close. I grin triumphantly. I did it! I’m really here! I watch my past self stand up and follow Lily out the door into nothingness. “Good morning, sleepy.” Lily smiles at me. The early sun caressing her features as though in awe. I drowsily blinked. “Morning.” A voice said, sounding awfully similar to my own. I vaguely feel my face shift as I yawn. Something is off. The scene is replaying, identical to before. I am supposed to be gone by now. “Mmm, what do we have planned for today?” I ask, grinning sleepily. I tear my gaze away from the happy couple and scan the room as realization dawns. The dresser is now obscured completely, and the walls are bare, no trace of any photographs or scratches. Lily is practically bouncing in anticipation. “Don’t play coy with me!” She giggled, playfully pulling on my arm. “Get up! Get up!” She is exactly how I remember her. Energetic and happy. Today we are going to visit that place she loved; I just can’t remember the name of it. I watch the happy couple leave the room and return to the comfort of the familiar mattress. “Good morning, sleepy.” Lily smiles at me. Her features glowing a yellowish orange as though she held the sun behind her back. “Good morning.” I said, my voice scratching the back of my throat. I stare, unable to take my eyes off of her, feeling the constant aching in my chest begin to dissipate. Lily. “Get up! Get up! You promised we’d visit the…” I smile at her childlike enthusiasm. “I’m getting up!” I chuckle as she drags me to the door. But there is no door. I glance around in confusion as the room fades. I can hardly recognize the room any longer, the walls and colors fading into a vague greyish abyss. Lily disappeared through the unseen curtain, and my arm reaches out to touch her again. But she’s already back in bed. I rush across the room to rejoin her, wary of my steps on an invisible floor. I crawl into the bed and reached for her hand. It is as soft and comfortable as I remember. Our fingers interlock, as if some kind of security mechanism, and only our hands can secure each other’s so perfectly. I close my eyes and inhale the faint scent of lavender. I feel my body relax as muscles I wasn’t aware of release their tension as a peaceful feeling fills my chest and a faint smile grows over my lips, as if confirming, this is where I need to be. I eventually manage to reopen my eyes, but Lily isn’t bouncing or luring me out of bed, she is simply looking at me. I move my free hand to graze her face. “Lily…” She squeezes my hand and leans forward. Out of the corner of my eye I see the faded abyss move inward, the corners of the bed already disappearing. I kept my eyes locked on her forest green eyes; my finger caught in a strand of her brunette hair. “I love you.” I whisper as my body begins to disappear. Lily opened her mouth slightly, her eyes wide with surprise. “I lo…”