Cup of Change.

Her head was damp, little streams trickled down her spine and over her nose but Phoebe didn’t care. A drum was pounding away inside her chest, it thundered against her ribs. Powered by the rhythm she moved forward, pushing against the ground with each bound.

Knees rising high into the air, mud and dust falling from her soles as she flew across the path away from her doubts, far from the niggles and anxieties of the past.

For years Phoebe had written herself new years resolution lists in blue biro on lined paper with vague declarations to the gods of change and societal expectations. Nearly every year they had been the same: eat healthily, lose weight, save money, do some exercise. Last year had been a little different though, she had a friend staying over as she celebrated the new year, this friend noticed Phoebe’s list.

“Do some exercise?” Becky laughed “what’s that supposed to mean?”

               “Oh I don’t know get into Zumba, go to the gym or go running…” Phoebe muttered.

“I can’t hear you!” Becky laughed as she swung a cup of tea away from her face with a mischievous grin.

               “I guess I could start running or summat” Phoebe said with a shrug.

“Yeah, you’ll be running those ultra marathons with Eddie Izzard before we know it!”

Phoebe spat out her tea in laughter at the very thought, spraying Becky in the process. “Pull the other one Becky! I can’t even run for the bus! Let alone do an ultra-martathon, it’s not as if I’ve even done an actual none-netflix marathon! Besides what are you putting on your list?”

“Oh you know the usual…” Becky grunted as she mopped tea droplets off herself “think about going for a smear test, drinking a bit less, cutting down on the cigarettes, taking a bag with me when I go shopping…

               “Hang on, hang on what do you mean think about going for a smear test? When did you last go for one?” Phoebe asked suddenly serious.

“Erm, I’m not sure… it’s been a while” Becky mumbled.

               “Promise me you’ll get it booked and go” Phoebe insisted.

“But it’s uncomfortable…”

               “It’s not that bad!” Phoebe reassured her.

“Hmm, I just don’t know…” Becky said to the coffee that she’d started to cradle.

               “Lets make a deal, if you book your smear I’ll start running” Phoebe smirked.

“Fine, but if I go through with it then you have to carry on running too!”

               “Deal!” Phoebe said with a raise of her eyebrows.

That felt like a lifetime ago now though, as she breathed deeply to carry herself over the hills, across the pitted paths and around the icy patches laying in wait for the distracted. Phoebe wasn’t very good at actually following through with those resolutions that she wrote down and it was something of a long standing joke between her and her friends. Sammy always resolved to do things like write a book or start a business, Rachel would commit to losing three stone or learning a language, Astrid normally promised herself that she would learn an instrument but Phoebe and Becky normally made lists that were more like dreams than goals. It’s not that they didn’t want to be fitter or healthier, those things sounded quite nice especially when you saw other people doing them on the tv or Instagram but the problem was that it was hard. Not climbing mount Everest with only a toothpick and a woolly hat hard, but more difficult than ordering a takeaway from the sofa under a blanket. 

It was different this year though, Phoebe was worried that Becky wouldn’t go for her smear test. Normally she wouldn’t think twice about it, but then again something in the back of her mind reminded her that people have found out too late about cancer when they’ve skipped these tests… that wasn’t something that she wanted to happen to her friend. Sure she could be cheeky and messy but who else could she turn to when she needed a second opinion? What would she do if her partner in crime got ill, or worse wasn’t there anymore? Yet, Phoebe knew that unless she physically carried  Becky there then there was nothing more she could do than tell her to make an appointment.  

Phoebe sent Becky a text later that day: have you booked an appointment?

No! It’s closed! Becky replied.

               Book online! Phoebe persisted.

Half an hour later she received a message back from Becky saying I’ve booked an appointment you better be lacing up your trainers Forrest Gump!

Phoebe sighed before hunting out her fitness clothes, wrestling a sports bra on, then once she caught her breath she threw on the rest of her exercise clothes on top. Dressed for the occasion she headed to the door, checked that she had her keys and phone before unleashing a blast of cold air into her house. With a few choice swear words she left the warmth of her house and set off at a jog thinking of her friend. Sure I need to get fit Phoebe thought as her face turned red and she wheezed her way up the path if it helps Becky too then that’s all the better. By the end of the street Phoebe’s legs felt like lead and her lungs felt like they were under attack as she stumbled to a walk. Surely I’m not this unfit!?! Phoebe staggered on to the next street then found a little energy to jog past an elderly couple sat feeding the pigeons before she felt her breath disappear once more at the entrance of the park but as she turned to head home she saw a group of men in yellow work vests pass by. I can’t stagger past those men, they’ll laugh at me she thought and headed through the park to head home through the other entrance. As she panted her way down the path catching her breath as she walked Phoebe felt ashamed. How did I get this unfit? Why can’t I run very far? Her eyes started to prickle, and tears threatened to make an appearance but as her eyes clouded up she tripped on a tree root a little. Staggering forward she fell into the tree, bounced and was turned around to the sky turning orange and red over the hills, each roof top, every tree a shadow in the spectacle.

Phoebe smiled at the sight. She was cold, aching and out of breath but that was a lovely sight that she’d have missed if she hadn’t come out. After a few moments contemplation she realised that she was breathing normally and started walking back home again. She bounced through the door and sent a picture of herself to Becky with the caption Started running! In the picture her face was red and shiny but there was the trace of a smile remaining on her face from the sunset she saw. The next morning Phoebe found it difficult to move, her legs were stiff and she wondered why she let herself be persuaded to do something so silly.

A day later she got a message from Becky telling her to get out there and run, Phoebe wanted to say no. Her house was warm and her legs were just starting to feel back to normal, running was harder than she remembered. Surely she could just tell Becky that she’d been on a run, no one would be any the wiser but just as she thought that there was a knock on the door. Phoebe froze, I’m not expecting any parcels or any visitors who could it be? Surely it’s not Becky… After a moments fretting she heard the clang of her post box and then footsteps leaving the property. So it was the postman afterall! Phoebe breathed a sigh of relief for a second before getting to the door and seeing the note on the doormat.

It was a small piece of lined paper torn from a notepad with the words “run phoebe run” scrawled on to it along with a stick figure with a ponytail underneath. Phoebe picked it up, smiled and sighed before putting the note to one side then getting ready to run. In the day since her last run she’d googled lots of things such as: why do I ache so much? Why is this so hard? How can I make this easier? There was so much information, it was almost overwhelming but she’d uploaded couch to 5k and a running playlist to go with it. 

After lacing up her trainers, she put her headphones in deliberated over which coach to use before deciding which one and setting off for her first couch to five kilometre training run starting with a five minute walk. This isn’t too bad she thought until she tried running as fast as she could, then as she listened to the coach she slowed her pace down and got through the run without feeling like collapsing, sure there weren’t any sunsets or rainbows this time but she got home feeling a little less dead that she had the time previously. This time she posed for her selfie in front of the door before going to get into the house and suddenly realising that she had forgotten her keys. It was cold and she started to panic as she couldn’t find her keys in any of her pockets, her bra under the doormat. Seriously Phoebe?! You can remember to bring your phone but not your keys? A few minutes after texting Becky her running selfie Phoebe found herself ringing her and asking if she could let her in. Much to her relief Becky wasn’t far away and brought her spare key to get her back into the house. “What would you do without me?” Becky cackled before urging Phoebe to put the kettle on to warm them both up.

“So, two runs then? Are you going to do a marathon wonder woman?” Becky joked.

               Phoebe smiled “when you’ve given up smoking you can enter me into a marathon” she joked, fat chance of that happening Phoebe thought to herself.

“Ok ok” Becky said as she dunked a biscuit into her coffee with a small smile on her face.

From then on every few days Becky sent Phoebe a text or a message about Forrest Gump, the Road Runner or Speedy Gonzalez to make her smile and keep encouraging her. Each time she chuckled to herself, put on her exercise clothes and headphones then (after checking for her keys) went out for a run. Sometimes it took a few deep breaths to get out into the wind or rain but once she left her house and felt the air rushing by her and the pavement under her feet she remembered why she was out there, something clicked and she got moving. Her breathing didn’t become easy over night, there were days when it was hard to keep going between the running and the walking. Her lungs burnt, she looked like a tomato and the slightest obstacle felt like a mountain to climb, every little hill made her feel like she was carrying another person on her shoulders.

Despite the difficult days and challenging runs she kept going. It may have started with a bargain between her and Becky but she started to notice some changes in herself and how she felt after the runs, her moods were lifting, her clothes were starting to fit a bit differently.  There were even days when Phoebe looked forward to pounding the pavements, just her and the elements. She found herself lacing up her trainers when she was stressed or worried to try and clear her head as the freedom of the movement, the focus on her breathing drove everything else from her mind.

After a while Becky stopped sending the encouraging texts to Phoebe but she didn’t really notice that as she had started to get into her own habit of going for her couch to five kilometer runs and tracking her progress. She still talked to Becky and they joked about how they were doing compared to their friends, Becky still joked about Phoebe doing a race or some crazy challenge. Becky soon shut up when Phoebe asked her about her smear test or if she had quit smoking yet. It wasn’t until the third or fourth time that she changed the subject that Phoebe noticed her friend was being cagey and not answering her questions. “What are you hiding from me?” Phoebe asked her and Becky turned away. “What is it?”“I… I went for my smear test and…” she started to cry.

               “Becky? What happened?”

“Th… they found something…. an unusual growth” she started weeping again.

               “Oh, I’m so sorry Becky!” Phoebe said as she enveloped her in a hug.

“The… the nurse… t..took a sample and they’ve sent it for analysis” Becky sobbed into Phoebe’s shoulder.

               “It might be nothing…” Phoebe told her as she tried to convince herself of this as well.

Phoebe tried her best not to ruminate on the alternative, but it was difficult, what if she was wrong? What if despite her best intentions and attempts at helping her friend she was going to die anyway? What if her nagging had been in vain? It was a bitter pill to swallow, maybe she didn’t know best after all. That night they drank too much and tried to forget about their worries for a few hours in a haze of gin and reminiscing.

The next day in the cold light of day they both sat quietly, and Phoebe found it hard to find any sort of motivation at all. For the next week she lost all of her will power and desire to run, sure she’d got fitter and could run faster but she hadn’t noticed that her friend needed her. It was like she had failed her best friend without even realising. Phoebe tortured herself for days dwelling on all of the different ways in which she’d been a bad friend. On a cold rainy day when the sun didn’t make an appearance once Phoebe found herself thinking once more about Becky and wondering what she could do to help her, so she invited her over for a coffee and a chat then put the kettle on as she waited for her to come around.

Phoebe clasped hold of the mug in front of her as if it were a piece of treasure not just a relic of her childhood with a barely visible female superhero painted on it. Becky reached forward and touched Phoebe’s hand to reassure her, “I know you’ve been worrying about me and I’m sorry… that’s why I didn’t want to tell you anything until I got the results.”

“Results?” Phoebe muttered at her tea, confused by what Becky was telling her.

               “Yes, like I told you they sent some cells off to the lab for analysis, it was scary but I just got the letter back from them and… it was negative” Becky sighed.

“Negative? What does that mean?” Phoebe asked finally looking up from her drink and into her friend’s eyes.

Becky wrapped both of her hands around Phoebe’s and smiled at her “it’s good, it means that I don’t have cervical cancer!”

Phoebe let out a long breath and found herself crying, the tears erupted from her eyes like water from a broken damn.

               “Hey, hey! It’s ok I’m going to be sticking around!” Becky Laughed.

“That’s why I’m crying” Phoebe blubbed before smearing the tears across her face and smiling at her friend. They sat and talked about their worries, what they had been thinking, all the catastrophising they had imagined until their drinks were stone cold. Phoebe admitted that she’d let the running go whilst she worried, Becky gave her a small smile and reassured her that she knew she could get started again; however, Phoebe wasn’t so sure. What if I’ve lost all my fitness?  She worried.

The next day Becky sent her a message asking if she’d gone for a run, Phoebe considered pulling the duvet above her head and hiding all day or just ignoring the message but she knew that she should get out there and run. “I will soon” she told Becky as she hoovered her house, looked at the washing and thought about baking a dozen cup cakes instead. An hour later Becky messaged again asking how the run went and Phoebe stuck her tongue out at the phone and ignored it… only to be greeted by Becky in her multicoloured exercise gear appearing at the door half an hour later. “Are we going for a run then?” Becky smirked.

“Alright, alright…” Phoebe grumbled as she went and changed into her running clothes before heading out with Becky.

Once they got out of the house and into the cold air Phoebe found it hard to continue moaning, she wasn’t out of breath, the sweat wasn’t attacking from head to foot and there was no sign of the dreaded stitch. At least not for Phoebe anyway, Becky managed to keep up for most of the run but wheezed around behind her in places as red as a radish. It wasn’t going to be a regular occurrence but Phoebe knew that her friend had come over to help give her the push she needed to get out and carry on running.

From then on Phoebe kept running. It wasn’t to impress or raise money or even get slimmer, she did it for herself for the thrill of the wind in her hair and the pounding of her heart.