Him

I know that this sounds like just a normal love story, but this one is different. This one is mine. People make a lot of mistakes in this world. They say things to those that they love that they didn’t mean, or they wish that they could take back. When a loved one unexpectedly dies and you never had the chance to even say goodbye. Those are the things that we think about at 2am when you can’t fall asleep. They are the things that haunt our dreams. They’re the things that haunt my dreams. I lay awake at night, thinking about how I never told him that I loved him. He told me all of the time that he loved me but I couldn’t force the words out of my mouth. Rules. But now he is gone and there is nothing that I can do about it. I should have just set aside all of the rules that hold me back and told him that I loved him. But I didn’t.

I was in eighth grade and there was this one guy that I really liked. He was tall, thin, blonde, brown eyes, very handsome in my opinion. I had never felt like this towards a guy, and I knew that this feeling was really special. I had already dated him once in seventh grade but had to break up with him because it was too stressful. He presented that he still liked me and asked me out again the next year. I debated if it was worth dating him again because it clearly didn’t work out the first time. I thought that things had changed but apparently they didn’t. We dated through the hardest month and a half of my entire life. Nothing seemed to go right. I didn’t seem to please anyone. I tried to do everything that I could with him, but I don’t think that I tried nearly enough. If I would have given all that I had, he would still love me. 

Everytime that he asked if I could do something with him, I said no. I was too scared of my parents, and I knew that they had really hard rules. He never knew how bad I felt when I told him that I couldn’t. It tore me up inside. One night, his friend asked if I would come to their baseball game. He never asked me if I would come to any one of his games and I never understood why. I tried my very best to be there. It took a lot of convincing for my parents, but I was finally able to go. As I watched the game, the air got colder and colder. I looked over at the dugout and saw him waving at me. I didn’t wave back, but I smiled. After the game, my friend and I waited for him to get all of his stuff and come back. He came back and held my hand while we waited for my dad. Soon he started walking forward and pulling my hand. I asked what he was doing, he smiled at me and said that we could wait in his dad’s car while we waited for my dad. I said ok as I walked with him towards the car. Before we got to the car my dad pulled in and I started walking towards his car. Letting go of his hand. I knew that my dad was not fond of physical affection, and I didn’t want to get in any trouble. As I pulled away, he pulled me in for a hug. I hugged him back and then left without saying anything other than a simple “bye”. 

That was a Thursday, so I wouldn’t see him until the next Monday. He told me that his phone was not working so we couldn’t text. When I got back to school the next Monday, something was off about him. He would not talk to me. He wouldn’t even look at me. It was horrible. This went on for a week. I didn’t know what I did wrong and I felt terrible because I thought that I did something wrong. The next Sunday, I got a text that said that he and I were over. I can’t explain how I felt that day. 

Mad. 

Confused. 

Hurt. 

Nothing made sense anymore and it hasn’t since. The guy that I loved was gone once again because of my parents and I never told him that I loved him.