The Two Shoes

Scott spent the afternoon looking for his shoes. Not his normal shoes, even in the clothes strewn apartment he is able to find his everyday wear, but the dress ones because his buddy Grady called that morning said his boss gave him two free tickets to a whisky festival downtown. 

            The Facebook post about the event made it look black tie. He didn't own a black tie, nor did he want to, but felt he should go in something other than a sweatshirt. Thus, his morning consisted of running out to Kohl’s to buy a button-down t-shirt and a pair of pants. The lady that worked the section said they were easy to iron. He had his doubts about that, the last time he had ironed anything he still lived at home and the memory of the experience involved spray starch and burnt fingers. Not to mention he didn’t own an iron. The Kohl’s woman was happy to show him the irons.

The cost of the free ticket was beginning to add up.

            An hour in, he found the shoes beneath the bed behind a forgotten robe that his mother bought him for Christmas. He liked that robe; how did it end up beneath the bed?

            The shoes were black leather he bought for the wedding of a cousin he had never met but was told by his mom that he had to attend. He spent most of the time either staring at his phone or dancing with dancing the hokey pokey with preteen girls.

The shoes needed polish and that he had, at least he thought he had some in his closet. 

            He looked at the clock, shit Grady would be there in less than an hour.

            "I'm just going to have to wash the dust off you."

            "Oh sure, you finally drag me from the land of the lost after letting that obnoxious overweight girl dance on me and all I get is a wet rag."

            Scott dropped the shoe. Looked at it, glanced around the room looking for hidden cameras. He wouldn’t put a talking shoe gag past Grady. For a moment he pictured himself walking around the shoe in a Three Stooges or Charlie Chaplin routine. Except if this was Charlie Chaplin the shoe wouldn’t be talking.

            He didn't have time for this.

58 minutes.

He grabbed a hand towel moistened it and came back to wipe it off.

            "Are you not going to address my feelings at all?"

            He dropped the shoe again. 

55 minutes.

He told himself to forget the shoe for a moment, he still had to shower and get dressed.

            After his shower, he walked back to his bedroom, eyed the shoes, and started to laugh. He half expected Grady to jump out with his cell phone on record. The whole idea was laughable.

He got dressed. The new pants and button-down shirt made him wish he had a belt that didn’t look like it belonged to hobo.

35 minutes.

Nothing he could do about that now. He dabbed a bit of gel into his hair then walked back to his shoes.

            "So, you get to have a nice shower with soap, and is that cologne I smell?"

            "Yes, it's cologne. Now can you shut up."

            "Yes, Lefty you are always so easily offended." A new voice said.

            "I just don't understand why he gets to take a shower and wear cologne while we get dusted off by an old towel and have to smell like his feet."

            "He doesn't have a good point Old Bean."

            Scott looked at the two shoes still not believing any of this. Heck if this was real where is the sound coming from? Then wondered if he put his foot in the hole if they would shut up.

            "Just like I told you Righty, if we spoke up, we would still get ignored."

            "Ok what the hell?" Scott said.

            "See, wrong again my left leaning friend."

            "I'm afraid to ask, but why do you sound so much different than umm Lefty?"

            "We come from a lowly line of shoes. You didn't exactly break the bank when you purchased us. My mother was half British and it certainly wasn't a royal half. Lefty here comes from a jersey although he claims to have come from Texas longhorns. It makes him feel bigger, but as you well know, your feet are too small to make anyone feel big. If you had purchased that nice set of Italian loafers you tried on when you got us they might have come from the same family, but probably would've been more temperamental."

            "This is nuts." Scott said. "I don't... well I don't know what I don't but I'm done talking to a pair of shoes."

            His phone chimed; it was Grady asking to be buzzed in. 

            Crap he's early, he thought then scrambled to put on his normal shoes, the ones that didn’t talk.

            "Nice duds did your mom pick them out?" Grady said.

            "No, I got them from Kohl's thank you very much."

            Grady laughed, yeah where I bet you asked the opinion of a grandma sales rep who told you that you reminded her of her grandson."

            Scott said nothing.

            Grady laughed some more then noticed his shoes, "What the hell you can't wear shoes like that."

            "Nobody is going to notice my shoes."

            "Dude, the first thing a woman does when she meets a guy is look at his haircut then drops her eyes to his shoes. The soles on those things are coming off."

            "It's just a little bit."

            "Dude they are practically talking."

            Scott stopped, "What did you say?"

            "Come on girls don't want a guy who wears shoes like that."

            Scott threw his arms up in the air, "I don't care if they can't accept me the way I am then it's on them."

            "Look, if you don't want to get a girl that's fine, but last year I got three phone numbers from this thing, so you aren't going to wreck it for me."

            "I don't know what you expect from me."

             "Why can't you wear those?" Grady said and pointed to Lefty and Righty.

            "Those? I have to get rid of those, they hurt my feet."

            "I don't care, they are dress shoes, and we aren't going to a construction site. Get them on and let's go."

            Outside as they approached Grady's car, Lefty said, "Hey now this cat has class."

            Scott stopped, "Did you hear that?"

            "Hear what?"

            "Never mind."

            "It's a mustang." Righty said. "I would have preferred a Mercedes."

            "That's rich coming from a half brit sewn together in Thailand."

            Righty gave a harrumph.

            "Don't fart in my car," Grady said.

            Scott stopped again, "So you did hear that."

            "Of course, I heard that and if you have to fart at this event you had better go to the bathroom and make sure you air yourself out before coming back."

            "It was the shoe." Scott's voice went up an octave. Grady just shook his head.

            Lefty giggled.

            After waiting in line, they were given a rocks glass curtesy of a Long Road bourbon and five tickets.

            The first booth was hosted by a middle-aged man whose white button down looked like it fit him seventy five cheeseburgers back. Grady asked to try the bourbon and Scott followed suit since it all tasted cat piss to him. The man smiled poured a dribble into the bottom of their glasses, smiled and waited to hear the verdict.

            Grady started talking about smoky notes and compared it to Bullet. Scott thought it tasted like rubbing alcohol so didn't say anything just handed the guy his ticket.

            Grady pulled Scott away and whispered, "The trick is to not offer the ticket. A lot of them won’t ask for it."

            To his surprise it worked, however he wasn't sure if it would have if he had been alone since he clearly didn’t know the language of booze. Grady on the other hand seemed to know just what to say to distract them from asking for the ticket.

            After a few booths, Grady said he was hungry and headed for the taco buffet station set up at the back of the room.

            "I'm not hungry," Scott said and started to wander away.

            "If you don't eat you are going to get drunk and make a fool of yourself." Righty said.

            "I wish we were Grady's shoes; we wouldn't still have dust jammed in our seams. Did you see how clean he keeps his car?"

            "I just don't want to spend the night lying in the piss next to the toilet." Right said.

            "If you two don't shut up I'm going to piss on the both of you."

            "See what I mean Right? Grady wouldn't piss on his own feet."

            "Fine, I'll eat a dam taco."

            "I thought you weren't hungry." Grady said between mouthfuls."

            "I'm not, but I thought I'd better put something into my stomach to soak up the booze."

            Righty growled.

            Grady wrinkled his nose, "Dude, I told you to take that shit to the bathroom."

            "I didn't fart."

            "Look at that?"

            "What?" Scott jerked his head to look.

            "Don't look you idiot."

            "Don't look at what?"

            "My god I can't take you anywhere, no wonder you haven't been laid since that cousin of yours."

            "I didn't sleep with her."

            "Yeah, but you wanted to and that’s practically the same thing."

            "I didn't know she was my cousin."

            "Quiet, now’s not the time to talk about your attempts to grow incestuous branches of your family tree. Right now, we have three fine ladies on the prowl for a man that isn’t family."

            "How am I supposed to look if I can't turn my head?" Scott through gritted teeth.

            "Just be cool." Grady said.

            "Yeah man, you gotta learn to look without looking." Lefty said.

            Scott rubbed his eyes.

            "The last thing you need is more beans." Grady said. "Now just follow my lead and I swear if you fart you are walking home."

            Scott didn't fart, but his step did hiccup when he saw the girl on the right. She looked Irish, complete with curly red hair that bounced as she laughed.

            Righty noticed the hiccup and said, "She's out of your league."

            Scott slowed feeling self-conscious and wished the pours he gotten earlier were a bit stiffer.

            Grady produced his three-thousand-dollar orthopedic smile and introduced them. Scott just grinned.

            The girls gave their name, the first one with a giggle, the second with a bit of fuck off in her voice and the third, the one on the right, as Jessica.

            Scott stared at her already counting the freckles on her cheeks. Grady noticed this and bumped Scott out of his stupor. He then waved the whiskey tickets and said,

            "Well ladies, it was nice to meet you, but we have a few more of these to spend before the night is over."

            Once out of earshot Grady punched Scott in the arm.

            "What the hell is that for?"

            "Because you can't just stare at a girl like that the moment you meet her she is liable to think you are a serial killer."

            "Sorry."

            "Sorry doesn't cut it, look if you want to try something with Red over there then I'm willing to take out fuck off girl, but not if this ends up as one of your silent woe-is-me nights."

            "I don’t do silent woe-is-me."

            "Call it what you want but we both know how you get. You are better off trying the sensitive wounded man thing. She seems like the type that would fall for that."

            Lefty laughed, “He tried that at the wedding.”

            Scott told him to shut up before thinking and Grady grabbed his lapels, "Get in the game man."

            "I don't understand why you left them if you want them."

            "Have I not taught you anything? Girls don't want the guy that clings on them. Get them interested then pull back."

            Scott rubbed his eyes. 

            Righty said, "He's never going to get it."

            "Maybe we can help him." Lefty said.

            "I don't need help." Scott's shout drew the attention of a few nearby people. 

            It was Grady's turn to feel embarrised.

             "Dude, I don't understand why you are so angry."

            Scott let out a breath and said he had to use the restroom.

            Scott scouted the bathroom even ducking his head to check for feet. It was empty. 

            "You two need to shut up."

            "If you want that Jessica dame you had better listen to us." Lefty said.

            "I feel his case is hopeless." Righty replied.

            Scott approached the wall urinal, began to unzip when Righty said, "If he spills, there is no way I am going to help."

            "I'm not going to spill."

            "I believe there is a strong case to be made for sitting you’ve had a lot to drink.”

            "The German's have a word for it, Sitzpinkler." Righty said.

            "I'm not going to sit to take a piss."

            "Dude, I don't care how you take a piss."

            Startled at the new voice, Scott jerked to one side causing his stream to not only leave the confines of the urinal but to make it onto his pants and Righty.

            Lefty busted out laughing. 

            Scott nearly zipped his penis into his pants and the unfortunate bystander decided that he would find another bathroom.

            "I told you we should've been Grady's shoes." Righty said.

            “You didn’t say that I did.”

            “Well, I agreed with you.”

            Scott kept his curses to himself as he tried to dab his pants dry.

            "At least you get the dust off you Right, I'm stuck with the dust under the bed."

            Scott exited the bathrooms and saw Jessica standing outside.

            "Hey," she said then grabbed his arm.

            “Um, hey."

            "Maybe this dame is attracted to urine." Lefty said.

             Jessica pulled his arm and carried him to a corner, "Ok, so your friend Grady managed to get Gloria out onto the balcony which leaves me alone."

            "There's a balcany?"

            "Yes, but it's cold out there and that guy over there." She paused to nod her head. Scott tried to turn and look. She grabbed his chin," don't look, you have to look without looking."

            "Sorry Toots that's a skill this guy is never going to learn." Lefty said.

            Scott muttered a sorry.

            "That guy got a bit handsy and normally Gloria takes care of that sort of thing, but since your friend is responsible for taking her away it's now your job."

            "Um ok. What happened to your other friend?"

            "Heather? Oh, she's here with her husband, she didn’t even come with us."

            "Ok I'll keep my hands off you."

            "That's not going to work. For tonight you're my boyfriend."

            Scott's face went red.

            She laughed, "Look who's adorable."

            His face deepened then he blurted, "I think your stunning."

            Now it was her turn to blush and turn away.

            "Now you did it." Right said.

            "Nah man now’s the time to strike." Lefty shot back.

            "I uh." Scott stammered.

            "Man don't back out now you have her."

            "I love the way that your eyes look like pale emeralds."

            "Pale emeralds? That's a new one."

            "What I mean is..."

            "I knew he would waver." Right said.

            Scott shook his right leg.

            Jessica looked down and asked, "Why is your pants leg wet?"

            "Would you believe it's my shoe's fault?"

            She laughed.

            “Do you want to go and get a drink?” Scott said.

            “We had VIP tickets and get here early, I’m actually out of tickets.”

            Scott waved four tickets in front of her.

            “How do you still have that many?” 

            “The secret is to have them talk to Grady as you walk away.”

            “I see. If you want to share, I’ll get another drink.”

            “How about we get out of here, there is a wine bar across the street. I’m not much of a whiskey guy to be honest.”

            She tilted her head, “But what about Gloria and what’s his name?”

            “Grady? I’ll send him a text and you and I can get out of here.”

            Her pause seemed to last forever; he was almost wished one of the shoes would speak up. Then she reached into her phone, tapped the screen a few times and said, “You’re on.”