Everything and Nothing

It started with football. It was something that all the kids did, and Mia was no exception. She’d gone to the club every Saturday for two months, until one Saturday morning she refused to put her boots on and sulked under her bed until her father gave up. When her brother came back from practise Mia said nothing about it, carrying on as though she’d never pestered her parents to let her go in the first place.

Dropping in and out of extra-curricular activities was part and parcel of growing up in the schools Mia went to, and each year, term, month, she was able to pick up something new.

“This is so much fun! I love it!” she would say after the first session.

“Meh. It’s all right,” she would say after the third.

“Hm? Oh, I don’t do that any more,” she would say after the fifth.

It wasn’t long before it was a running joke in the family.

“What’s Mia doing at the moment?”

“Well, that’s another hobby that’s had its fifteen minutes of fame

with Mia.”

“Another one to add to the collection of attempts?”

And Mia smiled through all of the teasing, putting up with it because then her parents would buy her everything she needed to throw herself into the deep end of a new hobby.

When her high school friends came round they marvelled at her room.

“Wow, Mia! You have so many instruments. Can you play them all?”

“Oh, no. I might pick them up again one day though, so I keep them just in case.”

With her friends there, every now and then Mia would pick one of the string instruments up – the violin, the guitar, the banjo, the ukulele – and strum it while they talked, to see if there was any resonance. When she wanted her friends to leave she picked up one of the woodwind instruments – the recorder, the clarinet, the flute, the saxophone – and started tooting on it until she was alone.

More than once, late at night when she couldn’t sleep, and the ghosts of her past hobbies haunted her bedroom, Mia would listen to her parents arguing.

“We have to sell some of her things. It’s ridiculous, she’s running out of room and she never touches any of them. Those instruments were expensive.”

“I know. But it makes her happy. I mean, surely she’s got to find something to do for after school, eventually. Jacob’s got his football, she’s got to settle on something. Right?”

“I don’t know. She never seems to fit in with those clubs. Perhaps I should see if I can stop working, be home with them more often.”

“We’ve been over this darling. We can’t afford that. Come on, it’s not done Jacob any harm. I’m sure Mia will be fine, as soon as she finds her place.”

Growing older a whole new world of sports opened up for Mia, and all of these came with specialist equipment as well. The money for the goods kept coming, until one day she almost pushed it too far.

“No, I’m sorry,” her father said. “Teenage girls don’t play golf. I’m not buying you a whole set of golf clubs, just so you can forget about them in your room again. What the hell are your boyfriends going to think, when you get a boyfriend? Who wants to go out with some retiree playing golf?”

After two days of sulking and not eating, and one blazing row downstairs at midnight, a bag of second hand golf clubs sat outside Mia’s bedroom door. She loved them, and cleaned and polished them everyday for five weeks. Then they went in the corner, and became a clothes stand.

In sixth-form Mia got her first boyfriend. Five weeks later she got her next one. Five weeks later she got a girlfriend, though the pair of them didn’t even make it to five weeks before they gave up on that. Neither of them could work out who wasn’t actually interested in girls, or whether it was just that they weren’t right for each other, or the teasing and smirks they got from their classmates. They stayed friends, for the rest of the five weeks. Then Mia bounced off again.

At last it was time for Mia to pick her university degree course.

“How the hell is she going to stay with one subject for three years?” her father asked her mother one day, when neither of them thought she could hear.

“We can’t stop her going. Besides, she needs to learn this sort of thing herself.”

“Yes, but it’s our money she’s wasting.”

“She’s not wasting it. She’s growing. Our children are an investment, remember?”

“Feels like a bloody waste,” her father muttered, as soon as her mother was safely out of earshot.

In the end Mia chose psychology.

“Are you sure?” her family all asked. When they asked six weeks later and she gave the same answer, all of them were stunned. And, in the case of her parents, proud.

Soon it got to the point that Mia was doing psychology, whether she wanted to or not. The forms and applications hadn’t been built for someone who changed their mind regularly. It was the first time in her life that she’d been committed to something, and her stomach churned whenever she thought about it.

The months leading up to university were trying, but Mia did her best to distract herself. As soon as the exams were over she threw herself into local community work; gardening, history, walking, wildlife talks, anything and everything. As long as it was local, and something she could leave behind when term time started. A few of the people she worked with asked why she was even bothering, instead of spending her summer lounging about.

“I wanted some more memories of home,” she claimed. “I’m starting to appreciate it all the more now that I’m leaving!”

Her family saw through it, but as Jacob was staying at his university over the holidays and her parents were still working, they were all just glad that she was out of the house and spending the time with people.

Autumn came, and Mia was shipped off to university. Her mother had to work, so only her father drove her down. He did his best, but neither he nor Mia knew what to say. When the time came for him to leave he gave her an awkward hug, said ‘Well, good luck’ and disappeared.

Fresher’s week was paradise for Mia.

A week dedicated to finding as many hobbies, groups and activities as she could? She signed up for everything she could reach, ignoring the fact that she ended up quadruple booked for every day of the week. All the societies wanted the members, and even if they had known none of them would have warned her.

The first week she went to all her lectures and a randomly chosen selection of societies. By the next week she was exhausted, and when her alarm went off on Monday morning she rolled over and went back to sleep. She got herself up and to her evening society, but she’d missed a whole day of lectures, and didn’t know anyone well enough to copy notes from. Tuesday went a little better, although she was nodding off during lectures. On and on she pushed herself, desperately running from activity to activity.

Each society she went to was another lecture missed. She was five weeks into term when her tutor called her in for a chat.

“What’s going on, Mia?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean your attendance. You’ve only just started, is it not what you expected?”

“There’s too much going on. I don’t have time to go to all the societies, as well as the lectures.”

“You’re supposed to be here for the lectures. The societies are an added bonus. Tell you what, how about you cut down on the societies, just for the first term. Wait until you’ve settled in better, and have gotten used to living by yourself.”

Mia frowned. She hadn’t even noticed the difference of not living with her parents, apart from the fact her room was empty now. “All right.”

“Good. Now, how about you just pick a society or two. What are your hobbies?”

“Well, everything.”

“Everything?”

“I mean, I’ve tried everything. I’ve done guitar, flute, dance, football, cricket, golf, sailing, horse riding–”

“Okay. What do you enjoy doing most in your free time?”

Mia blinked. Twisted her hands round each other. “I don’t know. I just do… stuff. Whatever’s going on.”

“If I gave you an evening, to do anything you wanted, what would you do?”

“I…”

After a lengthy pause even the tutor was shifting in her seat. “Okay, let’s try something else. What do you want, more than anything in the world? What’s your dream?”

“I…” That question, that question Mia had an inkling about. “I love starting things. Hobbies, interest groups, volunteering. Cos when you start everyone’s interested in you. They talk to you, they ask you questions, they take care of you. But as the weeks go on they lose interest. You become part of the furniture. That… that feeling. At the start, the feeling of being wanted. That’s what I want. That’s my dream.”

Her tutor watched her for a while longer, face unreadable. “I think,” she said at last, “that I might have the group for you.”

.

Mia knocked on the door, her hand shaking as she did. All the times she had started something new, and yet this was the only time that she’d been worried. Did that mean something? Was this the one? Or was it just because her tutor had put that expectation there?

Someone with bright purple hair open the door. “Hi there. You must be Mia?”

“Y-yes. I was told to give it a go.”

“Great! Come on in, we’ve got a training session about to start.”

Mia went into the room, and everyone smiled at her as she found a seat. Just like everywhere else; the new person is always interesting. But her nerves were still there.

Just give it five weeks, Mia thought to herself. Then I’ll know.

.

Six weeks later Mia knocked on the door, and purple-haired Ash opened the door. “Hey you! Another shift?”

“You know me,” Mia said with a grin. “Can’t keep me away.”

“Just make sure you’re studying as well, all right?”

“Yeah, I brought some notes with me in case it’s quiet. Who’s running it today?”

“Claire’s in, just give her a call if you need help.”

Mia went and found a seat, waving at Claire as she did. On her desk was a phone, the handbook, a notepad and a pen, just in case. She pulled out her work and started reading it, her eyes flicking up to the phone every so often.

After ten minutes she got her first call.

“Hello, this is Nightline, the student listening service. My name’s Mia, how can I help you?”

“H-hi. I’m… I’m sorry, this is going to sound really stupid. I just wanted to talk to someone.”

Mia pushed her notes away and rested her elbows on the table. She settled down with a smile on her face and the warmth of being needed in her heart. “That’s fine. I’m here to listen. What did you want to talk about?”