Letters to you

*** Explicit Language ***

January 1, 2022

Hey Rachel,

I’m going to write a letter to you every month for the next year and see how this goes. I’m not sure what to write, honestly. This shouldn’t be so awkward right? I guess I’m being stupid. I’ve written letters before, this shouldn’t be a big deal. Um. Anyways, happy New Years. I hope your New Year’s Eve was filled with fun. I um. I had friends over. It’s been awhile since they’ve been here. Ari says hi btw. Um, but yeah it was nice, I guess. We had a couple of drinks and did the countdown. I was a little checked out honestly. Wasn’t feeling it too much. Last year was better, remember how we went to Olivia’s party? Man that was fucking fun. You were so drunk I had to drag your ass to the car. But anyways, I hope you’re doing okay.

February 15, 2022

Happy Valentine’s Day. I know it was yesterday but still. I had Jessica over last night. Do you remember Jessica? The new girl from work? Well anyways, I finally built up the courage to ask her out. We went to the bar in downtown. You know, the one we went to for my twenty first birthday. The date was okay. Actually, between you and me, she’s sort of a bore. She reminded me of your date with Jason. Oh poor Jason, I can hear you now, ‘What do you mean poor Jason? Poor me!’ You came back so disappointed from that date. Calling him a psychopath for not liking French fries. I still laugh till this day.

March 20, 2022

I’m feeling terrible. I think I got the cold or something. Remember how sick you got a few years ago? When you got COVID? It was kind of scary. You were so weak and couldn’t even talk without losing your breath. I remember being so terrified that things would get worse. No one knew much about the virus and vaccines weren’t out yet, which made it ten times scarier. But thankfully you were okay. You’re strong like that. Me, on the other hand, I’m a big baby. But I’m allowed to be one especially since no one is here to take care of me. Anyways, please tell mom I miss her soup. These are the days I need it the most.

April 5, 2022

I got a promotion today. I really wanted to talk to you about it but I kept getting your voicemail. I feel like part of me should be thankful. Feel happy or excited, but I’m not. Is that normal? Shouldn’t I feel excited? Shouldn’t I be happy? I really wish I could hear your thoughts. I know you can’t call back. Sorry for all the messages. Hearing your voicemail greeting is comforting. I don’t know if this is weird for me to say, considering I’m your sister and all, but like, you have a voice of an angel. Reminds me of mom’s. How is she btw?

April 6 , 2022

I tried telling dad about my promotion today. Key word tried. He wasn’t really listening. Super fucking dismissive. I get he’s a bit of a mess right now. I mean he grew out his beard and his hair, which wouldn’t matter so much if he fucking tamed it. But he doesn’t which makes him look like a caveman placed in the 21st century. At first, I let it be you know? I could see the brokenheartedness in him. His eyes don’t shine like they used to when you two were around. I get it. I fucking get it. But you know what he told me that really ticked me off? That he’s grieving! Like if I’m not fucking grieving. He’s not the only one who lost someone. Aren’t my feelings valid? Don’t they fucking matter? I yelled at him. I know, shocking right? But how dare he talk to me about grief. And then there’s you. Yes, you. I haven’t heard from you in fucking months. Do you know how pathetic it is to call you even though I know you’re not going to pick up just so I can hear your fucking voicemail greeting? Why the fuck didn’t we take many videos together? Why the fuck did you abandon me? I had to go to the ice cream shop alone! On my birthday! It’s tradition. You know it’s fucking tradition and you were no where to be found. You were supposed to be there with me when I got my annual Oreo sundae. But I went without you. I ordered two sundaes. Yes, two. Our usual order just came out automatically, so I ended with two sundaes instead of one. I took one bite of mine and tossed it. But I did finish yours. That brownie sundae, fucking delicious. I can see why you were always so obsessed with it. I think that may be my new favorite.

Side note: I’m not angry at you. Or, okay, maybe I am just a little. I know it’s not your fault you can’t be here. It just fucking sucks doing things without you.

May 8, 2022

Today was a difficult day without mom. Mother’s Day typically are. Remember last year we went to the beach and saw someone who looked identical to her? Remember how she let us hug her without hesitation? How much we cried afterwards? I wonder where she is now. Do you think she thinks of us from time to time?

June 5, 2022

Your birthday is coming up. Any plans? You probably have a lot of things to do. I’ll be at the beach. Well not just any beach, Sandy beach, or as you liked to call it Sunset Bay. You always used to say that spot was heaven on earth. I never understood it before but I see it now. I’ve been going there a lot lately, I’ve noticed how serene the sand is compared to any other beach I have been to. I like to sit by the shore just like you used to and let the waves tickle my feet. I sit there for hours just contemplating life. I know, I know, what’s there to contemplate? I’m alive and well. Sure, I’m thankful that I am alive but to be completely honest with you, I’m not well. Actually, I haven’t been well at all. Not ever since…you know.

August 10, 2022

I’m sorry I missed your birthday month. It was too hard. Quite frankly I don’t know how I even made it. The pain was unbearable. Don’t tell mom this, but losing you was way more painful. Maybe it has to do with how sudden it was. We knew mom’s time was due, the cancer helped us mentally prepare a bit I guess. But you were here one moment, making plans for what we were going to eat for dinner and then you were just, gone. You’re supposed to be here. We were supposed to go to the Bahamas. We were supposed to go snowboarding this year. You were supposed to come back. You told me you would be right back. So I waited for you. I waited at home. I waited at the hospital. I waited at the funeral. I even waited at the beach. I just waited and waited and waited. But you never did come back.

September 15, 2022

Today’s Ari’s birthday. She’s been great. She’s made these past few months a lot more bearable honestly. Even though I shut down all of July she still came over and made sure I was okay. I know back in March I said no one was here to take care of me but that was a lie. Ari has been there. She’s always been there. She was there for my first heartbreak. She was there when mom passed away and she has consistently been there since you’ve been gone. I know what you’re probably thinking, but I don’t have a crush on her okay? She’s just my best friend. And you know that. You’ve said it yourself she’s fucking amazing.

October 31, 2022

Okay, I may have lied. But don’t you dare say I told you so. I may or may not like her. Actually no, I’m totally in love with her. Looking back now I guess I have always been in love with her. Remember how jealous I got two years ago when she brought that girl over for us to meet? Veronica? Caroline? whatever her name was, and you just fucking looked at me and said, ‘you’ll figure it out sooner or later’ which left me dumbfounded. I guess I figured it out after all. Took me long enough huh. She surprised me today. I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything for Halloween but she kept insisting. So I gave in and went to this party she was hosting and omg. The moment I walked in I started crying. The party theme was dedicated to things that you love. There were people dressed as Sully and Mike Wazowski. There were even some dressed as sloths, penguins, and even Edna from The Incredibles. I asked her why didn’t she make me dress up. She told me I didn’t need to, because from everything in this room, you loved me the most. I may have blurted that I loved her soon after she said that. She loves me too by the way. But I get the feeling you already knew that.

November 10, 2022

I think I want to be a social worker. I know, I know, it’s a big change from marketing. I’d have to go to school again and whatnot but I don’t know, the more I think about it the more the idea gets me excited. I think my therapist really helped me realize - oh yeah I’ve been seeing a therapist since December of last year, actually she’s the one who encouraged me to write these letters to you in the first place - but yeah, she really helped me realize that I want to do that. Help people. You were always so good at that. Remember when our neighbor, Janice, lost her kitty and she was hysterically crying? You were so calm and patient. You put fliers all over town and consistently checked up on her until someone called her and returned her cat. She was so fucking happy. I’ll never forget it.

December 31, 2022

I can’t believe tomorrow marks a whole year since I started writing these letters to you. I don’t think I’ll continue to write every month, but I will write here and there. I really truly miss you and I hope you’re at peace with mom. Life without you fucking sucks, but you have made your mark in the world which has made living without you tolerable. When I watch Monsters, Inc., I will think of you. When I’m at the beach, I will think of you. When I eat pizza, make spaghetti, or look at the sunset, I will think of you. Thank you for being the best sister a girl could ever ask for.

July 6, 2023

Happy birthday Rachy-boo!

Ari and I were at Sunset Bay today. We listened to Taylor Swift and ate a pepperoni pizza. I was in the middle of telling her a random story, when I saw a girl from the distance. If I didn’t know any better I could swear it was you. She was standing by the shore, waves reaching her feet, staring at the sunset. I wanted to run towards her, to hug her like we were able to hug that random woman, but I didn’t. I admired her from the distance. Once she left, I went to the spot she was standing in and saw she left a heart on the sand. I want to believe it was you, leaving me a message while enjoying the way the sun warms your skin while simultaneously feeling the coldness from the ocean. Maybe in an alternate universe that’s exactly what you are doing. But in this one, I’ll enjoy it for you.

P.S. I love you.