Wake Me When It’s Over

They are so easy to manipulate. I don’t even have to touch them. They play with dolls in their dollhouses, but I play with their minds. All I have to do is plant ideas and watch the fun.

A few of them know about me and blame me for what happens. They call me trickster, deceiver, or Lucifer. The problem is that I’m not to blame. I don’t have free will, but they do. I can’t help doing what I do. They have choices. They can choose not to harm each other. They don’t have to pillage, rape, conquer, and destroy. They could live in peace and harmony if they really wanted to. They could band together and fix their problems. It would be so easy.

But they don’t want to. That’s what makes what I do so effortless and fun.

I’ve invented countless ways to manipulate them. Sometimes I don’t even have to invent a new one. I can just repeat one I haven’t used for a long time. They never seem to remember. I watch and laugh and wonder how they can be so stupid. But they are.

I love my job!

The last century was my favorite, so far. Hitler? He was my idea. Sure, he was a real guy, but I gave him his manipulative powers. They followed him like sheep to the slaughter. That’s what happened to them- they were slaughtered, but not before they did a great deal of slaughtering of their own.

Stalin? Mine, too. But not Lenin and Trotsky. Mao? Yep. I’m especially proud of him. Imagine being the ruthless dictator of the largest country on earth. Quite an achievement.

Now I’ve come up with a new scheme. They call it climate change. I call it brilliant. They think it’s based on their science and technology, but it exists only because I figured out a way to not just disrupt a country or two, but the whole planet. I’m getting better at this all the time. My boss should give me a raise, but all I’ll probably get is another planet to muck up. The work never seems to end.

Climate change is going to take a long time to play out- maybe centuries. And I get to watch. They’re talking about ice caps melting, oceans rising, cities under water, populations uprooted. What fun! I can’t wait for the really good stuff to begin.

So far, they’re just talking while the clock is ticking. That’s what they seem to do best- talk. Sooner or later the alarm clock will go off and wake them up to the fact that it’s too late. Then the fun begins!

It usually starts with blame and then escalates to conflict. The ones that have weapons flaunt them. The ones that don’t cringe. I fine-tune the catastrophes so they get more disastrous every day.

I love it when the apocalypse cults start. You would think they remembered the original meaning of the word ‘apocalypse’ but they don’t. It meant lifting of the veil so you could see the face of God. They can lift the veil if they want to. I’ll smile at them when they see my face. It’s the least I can do. I’m a friendly guy. But I’m not God. I just work for Him.

I love my job! Did I already say that?

But now something’s going horribly wrong. It’s all this kid’s fault. She seems to think she’s going to save humanity from itself. I’ve seen kids like this before. Jesus and Joan of Arc come to mind. They’re always trouble and it never works out the way they expect. This one’s probably not going to be any different. I know that but she doesn’t, so I’ll just have to watch and see how I can muck things up.

Meanwhile, she’s making speeches and getting the other kids riled up. ‘A little child shall lead them.’ I heard that somewhere. I don’t think whoever said it really meant it. I mean, what do kids know about the real world? Especially kids today, all caught up in their digital fantasy worlds. (I’m rather proud of inventing those. They worked better than I ever dreamed. I don’t have to work real hard spreading lies anymore. The idiots with digital devices do the spreading for me. Isn’t technology wonderful?)

Seriously, this kid is becoming a pain in my ass. Or she would be, if I had an ass.

And another thing, while I’m ranting about the kids. What about all this superhero crap? Movie after movie with muscled morons who save the world. Fun fact, kids (and you adults too) superheroes ain’t real. No one’s coming to save your asses. If you don’t do it, nobody will. Of course, that’s what I’m counting on, that you won’t do it. I know you pretty well now. You won’t lift a finger to save yourselves. Despite what the kids tell you.

Oh, the pandemic? I can’t claim credit for that. I don’t know how it started. I was as surprised by it as they were. I’ve seen pandemics before, of course. The diseases are always different but the responses are usually the same. Some people protect themselves, follow the rules, and hope to survive. Others march toward suicide complaining about losing their ‘freedom’ (like they even know what that is!)

I have never seen a time when there was a shortage of stupidity, even in their so-called Age of Enlightenment. There are always too many idiots around to screw things up. They’re my best helpers. Maybe I should reward them.

Nah. Their stupidity is reward enough.

I love my job. Did I already say that?

The future looks bright (or dark, depending on your perspective.) Humanity is facing its greatest crisis yet. I’ve heard the dinosaurs faced a similar crisis, and look how well it worked out for them. I’m sorry I missed that one but it was way before my time. I’ll get to see the next extinction, however. In fact, I’m engineering it.

Earth is a fragile planet. Ecosystems are never stable. They’re always changing, mostly in subtle and imperceptible ways. But when there’s too much stress on them, and they are forced to adapt rapidly, then they mostly can’t keep up. They collapse.

I’m counting on it.

Let the extinction begin! Now that I think about it, I’m getting bored with humanity anyway. Humanity’s ceased being interesting. Despite all their inventions, their minds have remained in the Stone Age. Well, good riddance to them. Maybe God or evolution or whatever creates species will come up with a smarter species next. I could use a challenge.

Did I mention that I love my job? I exaggerated. The truth is that I used to love my job. Now I’m just bored. Being a trickster is no fun anymore. These idiots are too easy to fool. ‘There’s a sucker born every minute,’ one of them said. He got it wrong. There’s not only one born every minute. Most of them are born suckers.

All this predictability has bored me to exhaustion. I need a nap. Wake me when it’s over…