Gardeners' World

You’ve chosen a good time to pay me a visit. I’ve pulled up some pretty decent leeks this morning, got some lovely onions in the store and a rosemary bush that is totally oblivious to all the nonsense that seems to have befallen our world. My garden really has been my saviour, my little farm. I can grow what I need and get by very nicely on what my garden supplies.

I do wish I’d had a better crop of carrots. I used the finest bone-meal fertiliser, but they were a total bust this year. My soil is a little too heavy for them, too much clay, but it’s the carrot fly that really did for them. They said our biggest enemy was the sickness, then they tried to say it was the foreign governments, then it was all about misinformation and the enemy within, but I survived because I knew all along, my only real enemy is carrot fly!

When the gas supply was cut off back in ‘25 I opened up an old fireplace so I could cook on an open flame indoors. Not a pretty job, no power tools, naturally! So, me and Axe had to do most of the heavy work hacking out the wall they’d used to gag the old hearth. I like it though, the exercise, solving problems, working out a plan to get me to the next crop. Most of the stuff we’ve lost, I didn’t care for anyway.

You’re lucky today with the weather, it gets too smoky and hot indoors, even with the chimney. No, on a day like this we cook al fresco. Something lovely about doing my cooking in the place where I get most of my food. I’m a man of nature, that’s what I am.

You saw my roses on the way in, didn’t you? It’s the roses and the raspberry canes that bring people to my garden. I took part of the fence down so people can see them more easily, so they can come in and explore. Fancy that! In times like these, someone actually taking part of a good strong fence down. Well, there’s method to my madness. I like to have visitors. Brought you here to me today, didn’t it? Relax, enjoy the sun.

Would you like some water? I’ve got plenty. Since the neighbours have been thinning out, I’ve been using their houses’ guttering as well as my own to collect the rain. Been able to grow in their gardens too. That’s why I’m doing so well in these tough times. That’s why I can afford to lose a few raspberries to curious, hungry bypassers. Waste nothing and work hard, that’s me. Do whatever needs to be done. Please, have some water.

But how is he going to cook out here, you ask? A very good question. Let me just remove this old tarp, and, ta daaa! An old enamel bath. Not as common as they once were, but this beautiful old iron roll-top was in my neighbour’s place. He was a lawyer in the old days, fat lot of good that did him. Must have cost a fortune. Weighs a ton! I convinced them to help me carry it here in exchange for some food and water and here we are, those old claw and ball feet holding it up above my fire, an antique bath sitting on my lawn in the shade of my willow. Heaven.

You look a bit concerned. Don’t worry about the staining on the sides of the bath, that’s inevitable when you cook with direct heat like this. It looks dirty, but it’s not. It’s just well-seasoned from all the grease and juices. I’ll just get this fire lit. Thank you for gathering all of this wood, by the way. Told you I’d trade you for water and the raspberries, didn’t I? I’m a man of my word.

We’ll need a couple of buckets of water for the tub, and what else? I think today we’ll have a couple of these leeks, no carrots though, curse you, carrot fly! And I think we’ll have a big dirty handful of the fresher stems from my gnarly old rosemary bush. Don’t worry, the heat will kill the germs. I’ll use some of this too, take a look. It’s a pot of fat, my grandma would have called it dripping. You must keep this stuff, it’s more valuable than gold, literally, these days! I preserve it whenever I cook, it’s full of calories and protein and goodness. It keeps for ages; I’ve got a cupboard full of it. This is from the last few rabbits I cooked. It’s a bit of a cocktail to be honest, rabbits, rats, squirrels, street rats, raspberry thieves! Only joking, they weren’t thieves, you’re not a thief. I can spare a few raspberries. I’m going to get this beautiful stuff nice and hot, then get the leeks in there, then the water and the rosemary.

Axe, get over here, you big lump! He looks brutal, but I keep him sharp enough to chop the leeks. Look, he’s bright as a sushi knife. I can use him to shave. Look close, there now, a slice of leek you can see through. That will just melt in the fat. My mouth is watering. 

Did you hear that? I love that sound, that sizzle. The popping twigs under the bath, the first chunk of leek sliding around in there in all that greasy goodness, hissing and cackling. The sun weeping through the old willow, no more horrible planes over head, no traffic, no more reports about all the doom and gloom, no more sirens, just a sizzle and a pop and the waft of home cooking on the late summer breeze.

Potatoes! How could I forget potatoes. I sometimes think I’m losing my mind. Not many of this year’s crop left, but this is the best way to use them. They add body. Oh, that was unintentional, sorry! Please don’t be upset. Poor taste has no place in my garden.

Well, I must say, it’s been nice to have someone to talk to other than Axe. It has been a while. The raspberries will be dying off soon, and the roses won't last for much longer after that. I suspect I’ll be getting fewer visitors, but never mind. I’m going to have plenty of provisions to keep me strong over the winter, and there’s still blackberries out, so you never know. I’ll be fine in the house, sleeping in the cellar with Axe. Anyway, looks like we’ve got a rolling boil going here, so sorry, but it’s bath time.