Rainy Mourning

Cloudy, rainy days like today put me in such a state of missing my daughter a little more than yesterday. We used to be on the phone for hours especially on rainy days that were filled with lightning and thunder. She would call me when a heavy rainstorm was happening since she was afraid of the sound of thunderstorms. I would comfort her tell her some funny story about her father which set her mind at ease after a while, inasmuch that we would be laughing so much. She lived so far away, her husband was an architect and sometimes they had to travel all over the world but they finally settled in Seattle but it was still so far away from Greenwich. Yet I’m just sad, so sad, and feel lonely without my daughter and those phone calls on rainy days. Caris has been gone five months and the pain doesn’t get better but I put up a great facade of looking like the put-together Mom. I need to get out for a while and leave now even in this lousy weather. My husband is at work and my other children are married and one is away at college. I’m home alone. I have to leave or I’ll lose my mind. Next weekend is Mother’s Day and it hits me as hard as a cinder block how I gave birth to five children and now I have four. I suppose it’s not a great idea to be driving while it’s raining so hard but I need to take this little journey in the pouring rain. I’ll get on the parkway and just keep driving. Wow, it’s pouring, I think the weatherman announced a possible tropical storm! It’s coming down hard but at least I can see the road. I see a familiar exit coming up that’ll lead me to Emerald Lake State Park. My husband and I visited here often when the children were little. The lake is beautiful even when it rains. It’s such a nice green color, not like an algae green but truly an emerald green and when it rains, it almost looks black in some areas and then in other areas the rain hits it and it looks pine green. The park is huge so ample roads beside the lake are good. I won’t get out of the car. I can just sit in the car watch the raindrops pouncing on the lake and enjoying the water rippling across from the winds. Sometimes when Caris would visit with the grandkids, we would go by the playground with the picnic area and play all kinds of outdoor games and eat, a lot. One time it started to pour like a monsoon and we ran to the minivan and we all just watched the rain fall hard but eventually, we had to drive away because the lake was rising and coming onto the grassy area. That would happen often during a terrible storm and then it recedes and goes back to normal. As we drove off, we were enjoying watching the rain come down and creating ponds all over the grass and the ducks would be swimming on the park grounds. Now I’m driving around the lake and picking up memories but perhaps it’s not a safe idea to be out here, the rain is coming down heavy. With these big, giant raindrops hitting the windshield, I can barely see the road ahead and its daylight. I’ll have to pull over and wait it out just a bit. My sweet Caris always was so caring with all her family and was always looking out for us. She was like a Mama bear with her brothers and sisters and made sure they did their homework and had a snack before I came home from work and she did this on her own. One day I asked her to pick the kids up from school because I was running late. It was a dreary, rainy Spring day and we gave her a car as a high school graduation gift, so she gladly picked them up.When I got home, they were all playing around in the front yard while the rain was pouring on all of them! As I look in shock, Caris comes over and tells me, “Ma we just couldn’t pass up a good storm like this to play in it and it’s Friyay!” I couldn’t help but laugh and play with them. Still, I could hear her telling me to stay home and not drive in such bad weather. I suppose she knew when it was the best time to enjoy the rain. This weather usually keeps people home but not today with all the reckless drivers are out in full force. I’m going to have to pull over because all these cars are splashing on me as they drive by so fast in addition to the heavy downpour, it’s best I wait it out a bit. I think once it calms down, I’ll head home. I didn’t have any definitive plans except to drown my sorrows down memory lane. I’ll just listen to some music while I wait. I can’t believe what they’re playing, it’s “I’ll Always Love My Mama” by The Intruders. I can’t stop crying because this song is what my daughter dedicated to me when she was a little girl. I’ll never forget that day. We were cleaning up the cut bushes debris and anytime I’m cleaning inside or outside the house, I always love to have music on, and that “Mama” song came on and she stopped and turned to me and said, “that song is for you Mommy.” It touched my heart. Ok, I have to wipe away my tears and clear up my eyes because the rain is dwindling. I’m going to get back on the road and go home. I can at least see the road ahead of me now. I’m still thinking why that song came on, oh yes, Mother’s Day is coming up. It’s still such a heartwarming, reflective moment for me. My exit is approaching and as I drive into my neighborhood, I can see above the homes a beautiful pale yellow sun trying to peek out behind the clouds and it’s still raining. It was a sun shower! It was so peaceful; this anxious and desperate trip where I thought my mourning my daughter would take me to a dark place, instead took me on a rainy journey of discovery that all will be well. I’ll bet Caris had a conversation with God about looking out for me while out in the rain, of course, she did.