Watching the stars

The stars sparkled around the sky for one last time, some brighter than others, but it did not take away from the beauty, even as they ran farther and farther away.

I would always spend my nights looking out of my window, entranced by its color, and wondering if I could ever touch them. 

Even if I could come close to them, I’d burn up before I could even touch them, right? 

How dumb. 

Other thoughts made their way into my head. Sure, their color is beautiful, but I also found the sheer size of it terrifying.

It would make my heart turn heavy, and the idea of my own mortality would cloud my mind. I hated the fact that whatever I would and could do would just be a pebble that’s dropped in a flowing river. I hated the fact that it would stay for a tiny second and disappear, in a blink of an eye. 

What could life even offer in such a short amount of time!

Out of spite, I decided to begin working toward something, anything that would at least leave a small mark on the world. 

I wanted to be known.

I needed to be remembered!

But the motivation was short lived.

Instead, I spent days lazing around, with the amount of what could be done in life overwhelming me. 

My impatience would keep me from pursuing anything, as I needed to see growth immediately. Questions like, what if I end up wasting my time, would always come to find me, but then again, if I don’t do anything, I would still be wasting time. 

Ahhh, I was beginning to get sick from being stuck in this meaningless loop! 

So, I’ve begun looking at the stars again. It soon became an escape for myself, from myself. Hours being played with thoughts of visiting them, and the scenery of the worlds spinning around them. At other times, I just blanked out and stared at them. 

Just a nothing-minded boy, entranced by the dark and silent picture.

One night, I figured that I didn’t want to watch them from the window. Not anymore. 

I waited until midnight, and for the first time, I snuck out through the window in my room. Before leaving, I took a mental note of the time on my watch. 

12:26 A.M.

I had to be consistent every night, right?

I chose the cliff that hung over my town as my star-gazing spot. The cold was quite a shock at first, but I took a jacket to keep me warm, along with water and a blanket in my backpack. I had to be prepared, right? It was a bit exhausting to reach the top, but that’s what I get for not exercising. The excitement got me through the aches anyways. 

12:57 A.M.

There was a flat patch in the grass, so I set up camp on there with my blanket and book bag. The cold still bothered me, but nature overtook my senses. 

The soft greens comforted the hands that could just barely reach it. My ears caught sounds emanating from the dances the trees made, as well as the occasional cricket. The contrast from the cold on my face and the warmth trapped in my body was quite nice too. But most of all, the stars, oh, to be surrounded by all this only amplified the glitter. 

This was bliss. 

Until it was interrupted by the shuffling of feet.

1:02 A.M

Panic took over quite quickly, so I began to pack up. I wasn’t about to stick around to get jumped by whoever that was. 

I could feel my heartbeat quickening, 

urging me to leave, 

to run!

I did not hesitate to listen. My eyes darted back and forth, from my backpack to the bushes, and right when I began to unzip it, my eyes met with another pair. 

Hers widened, but quickly came to a natural look. Actually, she kind of looked bored, as if I wasn’t much of a surprise. 

She walked toward me, and looked down. 

I tried to put on the same look, but I was still shaky from the commotion.

The panes in her glasses separated us, made us both an observer of the other.

Was she studying me too?

Could she hear my heart pounding?

She seemed to be holding a yellow piece of paper, but right when I saw it, she hastily put it away in her pocket. 

What’s written there? Should I ask?

Before I could say anything, she just walked to the left of me, and began pulling a blanket out. It was a bit hard to see, but it seemed to be one of those red striped ones, the type you would bring to a picnic. 

Ignoring me, she plopped down, and laid on her blanket. I didn’t know what to do.

Should I leave? 

Should I stay and continue my star-gazing? She seemed to be doing that, maybe I should do that. 

No, no, I shouldn’t interrupt. But she looks cute. 

No, no, I am someone who cannot be convinced easily like that. 

I stayed. 

1:08 A.M

To be honest, I could not get back into my groove. I just kept peeking at her, observing.

She seemed to be around my age, but the expression she had on as she watched the sky made her seem much older. 

She seemed familiar

“Have we met be-“

“Do you have any water? I’m thirsty.”

“...”

Did she really interrupt me?

But it was too late to get annoyed, so I saved myself the trouble and handed her the water bottle I had.  

My only bottle…

3:34 A.M.

I woke up to a sharp pain on my head.

“What the-“

She kicked me!

“I’m going home now. You fell asleep, so I thought waking you up was the least I could do for the water bottle you gave me.”

I wasn’t used to staying up this late, ah, stupid.

“Oh, er, no problem, but please don’t hit m-“

“Goodnight.” 

“Goodnight”

My eyes followed her as she walked down the opposite fork from where I came from.

Then she looked back at me, and nodded.

Oh?

What does that even mean?

Still, I nodded too.

I was thirsty.

12:25 A.M.

The next night, I decided to go there again, because, why not? As I gathered what I needed, I began to juggle on the idea of bringing two water bottles. 

Eh, she kicked me, so why should I bring her one?

1:01 A.M.

Once again, the excitement got me through the climb. But this felt different. Did this stem from meeting this new person? I’ll admit, although I had a few friends, they were always busy, and this applies especially in summer. Some had jobs, others on trips, but everyone seemed to be serious about doing something. She wasn’t.

While I was lying down, toying with these thoughts, I felt someone lie next to me. 

There she was again, a few feet away, setting up the same blanket as yesterdays.

I should probably ask her her name.

“Hey, so, I didn’t get your na-“

Eyes fixed to the sky, she interrupted me, again.

“No names.”

Rude. And why not?

I decided to tease her. 

“You know, if you’re going to bring that type of blanket, shouldn’t you bring some food too.”

“I did last night, but you were asleep while I ate it.”

“Oh.”

For a few minutes, we exchanged no words.

Then she spoke up.

“Do you have some water?”

Heh.

“Sorry, I only brought a bottle for me.”

“Then why do I see two bottles”

I got up and immediately saw my mistake. Embarrassment started swelling up in my chest. Ahh, how did I forget to close my backpack? 

I shot her a glare, but she turned her head back to the ceiling, with her arm shooting out.

“Why even ask!?”

“Don’t get mad at how I caught your lie, calm down.”

Defeated, I handed over the extra bottle.

1:36 A.M.

As I was about to doze off, I suddenly heard, “Crunch.”

Wait, what?

“Are you mocking me?”

“Of course not. I just brought food, so let me enjoy it.”

“But you just said crunch, like, the word.”

I looked at her sandwich.

“You didn’t even bite it!”

“Stop whining. Here, I have another one, let me find it.”

As she rustled through her pack, I thought, why not tease her again.

“Aw, did you bring me one too?”

“Too? You brought that extra water bottle for me?”

Dangit, dangit, dangit.

“No?”

“Here, catch.”

In my defense, she barely gave me time to react. All I could do was watch my sandwich fly by and disappear off into the other side of the cliff.

I tried not to look at her. 

The ground seemed much more interesting anyways.

“You idiot.”

“I’m sorry.”

1:53 A.M.

We returned back to our old position, just looking at the stars.

Ah, I wanted to know who she was.

I got up and did the old criss-cross applesauce position.

“I've seen you in the hallways, right?”

“I’ve seen you around in school, yes.”

So she goes to my school! But how come I haven’t seen her recently ? It’s quite small, so it would make sense for us to have bumped into each other quite a number of times. Or maybe we have and I just didn’t bother to notice.

“Can you look at me when you talk?”

I flinched at how pretentious that sounded.

But surprisingly, she didn’t retaliate.

“Sure.”

She got up and copied me.

Now it was just us, eye to eye. 

Were her glasses broken?

“So, who are you, and can’t I at least have a name?”

Why is she moving her arms around? 

I continued. 

“And also, how come I don’t see you at school if we go to the same one?” 

Wait, are her arms…?

“...”

Yeah, no doubt.

“Stop mocking me.”

At the accusation, she lifted her hands up to her mouth as it widened. 

“Me, mocking the great whatever your name is? Never!”

“You-“

But then I noticed her smile. Actually, it was kind of nice.

Wait no, it was a smirk. How cocky. 

I take it back.

“Just please, tell me your name. Mine is-“

“No names, ok? But I’ll answer your second question. You haven't seen me at school because I haven’t gone to school.”

Did her smirk falter? Also, isn’t that illegal?

It was probably my imagination. The conversation seemed to be getting dry, so I decided to tease her again. 

“Oh, what have you been doing then? Finger painting? Don’t think I haven’t seen the purple paint on your collar.”

But then I realized, it wasn’t purple paint.

It was the skin.

The moon gave off only a little bit of light, but it was enough to let me see the look on her face. Was it anger? Shame? Something else?

How am I so stupid, stupid, stupid!

“Hey, I’m sor-“

“Shut up.”

Her voice was calm. I wish it wasn’t.

2:10 A.M.

She packed her blanket, and went off her way.

2:15 A.M.

I tried processing the scene that had just happened. I looked for something to squeeze, anything, but all I found was the water bottle she left behind. 

12:15 A.M

I only had a few minutes until I had to go. But can I even show my face to her after what had happened? How did it not even click in my mind that that was a bruise?

Ah, I might as well go.

1:15 A.M.

“The stars sure look nice.”

Nobody was there to listen.

1:28 A.M. 

I should probably take naps through the day, seeing that I screwed up my sleeping schedule.

Where is she anyways? She’s like, half an hour late already.

Eh, what do I care?

1:35 A.M.

Did I really mess up that badly?

1:50 A.M.

“I thought you’d doze off by now.”

“AH!”

“Scaredy-cat.”

Her voice came out of nowhere, so who wouldn’t be scared by that?!

“You just surprised me, that’s all.”

Hopefully she didn’t see me smiling, I bet she’d make fun of it.

2:50 A.M.

“It’s just, these people in this town are going all over the place, doing this and that, but when do they stop to appreciate what’s above them?”

“I see what you mean, but who can blame them? Both of us are only here because we have enough time to sleep during the day, you know.”

We had begun talking about, well, anything we could. It was nice, even if there was a weird flow. 

She stood up from her blanket, and in one of those rare times, she looked at me. 

“Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask, why did you decide to come here?”

“I just wanted to look at the stars. You?”

She stared at me for a second. Did I have something on my face?

“Same.”

These nights continued for some time. Eventually, they were all I looked forward to. Why?

Not for the food she brought, but times like these were a first, as I’ve never had these types of conversations with someone else, and to be honest, it was relieving to let such thoughts out. I could not get enough of the feeling.

But as fate would have it, I was eventually caught. I tripped on the window sill, and somehow twisted my ankle, badly,  from the fall, a fall from the first floor that is. 

Oh god, I’m pathetic.

It was back to seeing the stars from my window, but their beauty was replaced with guilt of every time my eyes caught sight of the cliff. I’d left her without a warning, but how could I tell her? Obviously I couldn’t, but my chest still felt heavy.

I missed those nights.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

12:35 A.M.

Ah, it felt good to walk here again. I took in the sounds and smells of the forest as I walked up the cliff. 

The doctor said I should be able to manage a little, but not to stress the ankle. I felt good as new anyways.

As I walked, I passed by the same small opening I always saw in the trees. It let you see the edge of the cliff, where we always talked. 

The thought made me genuinely happy. 

But something was wrong. Why was she here so nearly? 

And why was she sitting so close to the cliff?

“Hey! Be careful!”

She couldn’t hear me. 

Oh no, no, she’s going to fall if she doesn’t get away!

12:40 A.M.

She probably didn’t notice.

No, she’s too smart not to.

12:43 A.M.

Right before reaching the top, I noticed a piece of paper under a rock, right in the middle of the road.

It seemed to be the same crumpled yellow note she put in her pocket on the first time we met.

To whoever finds this note, please forgive me for having to put you through what’s next. As soon as you find my body on the other side of the cli-

Oh god no.

12:49 A.M.

“HEY! What are you doing?!”

I reached the spot right in time. She was sitting right on the edge, her back facing me. 

Was she about to…

“You always seem to interrupt me, you know?  First, when you popped up suddenly on your blanket, and now this?”

“Get away from the ledge, please!”

“Do you know the hell I have to go back to every morning?”

“...”

“Of course not, I haven't even given you my name. You wouldn’t know about how delusional my mother has gotten, would you. The way she drinks every single damn night. How she doesn’t even have time of day to take care of her own daughter. My father seemed to be all she had. She mourns him, but doesn’t she think I don’t too?”

My heart was racing, what should I do? She’s going to fall!

“You’re too close-“

“Doesn’t she see me as enough to keep her going? Instead, she just hits me, again, and again, and again! Doesn’t she care about me?”

She turned to look at me, and the sight of her eyes broke me a little. Tears streamed down, glistening against the little light the moon gave.

I wanted to tell her that it was going to be ok.  

She needed that!

“Esperanza, it’s going-“

“So you remember me?”

Her name was Esperanza. That’s where I recognized her from. We held a school meeting to honor her father who had just passed in an accident, but she wasn’t seen anywhere that day. How did it take me this long to remember…

“Yes.”

She turned her eyes back to the other side. I tried inching forward as she began to speak. 

“You know, I was planning this for some time, but you just had to show up. Why? I was thinking that this was maybe a sign, a sign that maybe I shouldn’t do this. But then you left just like that!”

I didn’t want to though.

“I’m sor-“

Pain suddenly shot through my leg, ack! Not now! 

She didn’t seem to notice

“You left, and you didn’t appear again! I waited, and waited for weeks! You can’t just do that to someone! You were supposed to be my friend!”

She was shaking, badly.

It hurt like hell walking, but I was close enough to reach toward her.

“I’m sorry for leaving.”

“...”

“I won’t leave again, ok? Just, please, take my hand.”

She looked at me. And got up to take my hand. 

Relief flooded into me, but then she slipped.

NOO!

I took her hand with both of mine, and pulled with everything I had, pushing her to the silver ground as soon my back faced the drop.

But I put all the pressure on my bad ankle. 

The pain left me frozen for a second, but it was a second too long. I began to feel myself fall backwards, and I couldn’t do anything about it.

As I fell, the stars sparkled around the sky for one last time, some brighter than others, but it did not take away from the beauty I always saw. Aw, they were running farther and farther away.

At least I was able to share the beauty with someone else.