Around The World In A Menu

Simon Bentley waited for his long-time friend, Brent Baker, to arrive for their weekly lunch meeting. He continued to study the menu, waiting for his friend to be seated. This was a new establishment, and both men were eager to try something fresh.

Finally, Brent arrives, and the waiter pours water and asks if they want something to drink and an appetizer. Simon looks over his menu and says, "I see you have wine from Spain." "Ah, you also have Gazpacho."

"Yes, we have cuisine from all over the world." "I

am sure we will accommodate your palates quite easily," the waiter answered.

"That reminds me of the time I was in Spain." "Horrible time."

"I didn't know you were in Spain," said Brent.

"Yes, after the Civil War, Franco was in power." People were starving, dying, and no one seemed to care." "Yet I found a lady who fled her spirits high and fed me and my companions Gazpacho for three days." "Then the tomatoes ran out, and all we had to eat was bread."

"I bet you had a lot of wine," said Brent.

"Gentlemen, I will return," said the waiter.

Simon peers back at the menu then looks back at Brent and says, "You have no idea." "It was so bad that we used bottles of wine for currency." "We bribed rogue soldiers and the chance rebel who wandered into our company."

"Wow, I never knew it was so hard."

"Yeah, but that was nothing," said Simon.

Simon motions for the waiter, and when he returns, he says, "I see you have German beer."

"Yes, we have the finest German, Irish, and American beers and some from Asia."

"Oh no, beer from Asia?" asked Simon.

Meanwhile, Brent ordered a bowl of French onion soup as he was anxious to hear more but needed some sustenance.

"Did I ever tell you about that time in Bavaria?"

"No, but I'm anxious to hear," said Brent.

"Oh, it was exciting at first." "We were sitting outside drinking a locally brewed beer in some remote village." "There were just women and children as all men were off supporting the Reich in some form." "We were journalists representing the western media, which meant we were suspect." "As we sipped our beer, a young village lady came up and offered us some of her sausages when the manager came out and started yelling at her." Apparently, the whole thing was a facade to divert our attention." Then, after several beers and some local sausage and kraut, we suddenly found ourselves being held at gunpoint for espionage."

"Spying?" asked Brent. "What did you do?"

"We were held in the local postal station for questioning by the local priest who was also a member of the Nazi party." "Finally, I showed my credentials and told them I knew where there were some things of value in the next village." "They released me and kept my friends hostage until I returned with what they wanted."

"What was it that was so important?" asked Brent.

"Oh, well, it wasn't money, jewelry, paintings, or anything like that." "I had purchased rights to a chocolate factory while in Switzerland, and all they wanted was a 33% share." "Yes, food became a lifesaver once again."

"Chocolate?" "Oh wow, that sounds yummy; let's order dessert," said Brent.

"Yeas, that sounds wonderful."

The waiter comes over with a dessert menu. "You gentlemen are not eating a main course today?"

"No, but we have a hankering for some desert."

Looking over the menu, Simon sees they have Baklava.

"Baklava!" "Yes, did I tell you about the Middle East when I was there before the second war?" asked Simon.

"No," answered Brent. "You have been everywhere.

"No, but I was in Lebanon and Syria briefly." "Actually, I was in Turkey as Ataturk was developing the nation after the Ottoman period." "I went to Lebanon and Syria seeking a fresh start when I stumbled upon a group of men gathering to pray."

"Let me guess, they were hungry," said Brent.

"Not exactly." "Their pistachios were not producing." "They needed money, and their pistachios are what supplied the whole village."

"They knew nothing about me, but when I walked up to their gathering, they asked for my papers." "I obliged them, and they picked up stones to stone me." "I turned to run, and a woman appeared and explained to the men that I was a reporter." "They threw their rocks down, and one asked in Arabic if I could help them."

"I bet you had some hidden pistachios," said Brent.

"No, olives." "A man in Turkey whom I befriended granted me access to his family olive trees in Syria." "So, through an interpreter, I gave them my access and went with them to a small village and helped them turn pistachios into olives."

The two continue looking at the menu; now, people have stopped eating and listening to Simon's stories.

Simon looks around and tells the waiter, bring me your best cup of coffee, please.

"We will have to come back another day." "I have more stories, but there is only so much a person can chew on in one day." "We must wash it with a good cup of coffee."

The waiter arrives with an espresso. "I have heard your stories and was reminded of my time in Bolivia." "My father owns a coffee plantation there, and my uncle owns a pineapple farm in Hawaii." "My mother owns a sugar plantation in the Caribbean, and my brother owns a tea farm in Sri Lanka." "And my family brews sake in Japan, sir." "And I am the owner of this restaurant, now top that!"

The two men look at each other in disbelief. Then, finally, Simon stands up, places his napkin on the table, and says, "I am sorry if I have offended you." "My stories are not made up."

"No, Simon never tells a fib." "If he said it, then that's the truth," said Brent.

"None was taken, but I can't imagine everything he said to be as he said."

Simon reaches down to his briefcase and pulls out a pad. Then, he begins checking off some stuff.

"What are you doing?" asked the owner/waiter.

"Believe me when I tell you this is not made up either."

"Huh?"

"Here is your score." Simon hands the owner a copy of a health inspection report with a 99 circled at the top." 

"Ah, you are the health inspector." "Why didn't you identify yourself?" 

'I never got to." "Brent said the French onion soup was excellent, and the wine and Garzpacho were superior." "The espresso was the best, and your service has been exemplary."

"It has?"

"Yes, despite your lack of belief in my stories, I find yours fascinating."

"Yes, I am a food critic, and I will recommend this place." "Your name, 'Around the World On A Menu,' is what you have here," said Brent.

"I don't know what to say, except I may have exaggerated slightly." "We don't brew sake in Japan." We supply the rice from Vietnam, and I failed to mention my wife is Vietnamese and was a counterspy for the Northern Vietnamese."

"How exciting." "Yes, exciting," said Simon. "Can we have the check now?" "We will be sending you a lot of business."

"Thanks, but in place of a cheque, how about some free corn tortillas from your factory."

"How did you know?"

"The hostess recognized you." "Her mother works at the factory."

"I will supply you with corn and wheat shells for a year and promote her mother."

Then gentlemen shake hands, and Simon turns and says, "Oh, I forgot the tip."

"Never mind, I gave you a 99 when you deserved a 98, so the tip is never let a food critic and inspector eat together."