The Accident

Anticipation. Suspense. Worry. Distress. Everyone tries to paste a label on a situation. It was scary. It was traumatizing. No one understands that sometimes everything is too confusing to even know how you feel yourself. Everyone asked me if I was ok, and all I said was ‘I’m fine’. I didn’t know how to describe what I went through. And even more so, I didn’t know what would happen to everyone else. After a while, all I felt was guilt. I didn’t understand why I got to be fine, but everyone else suffered. I’m just me. Me who loves singing, and coffee, and simple things in life. I never made a difference, unlike everyone else that was in the accident with me. I sat in the synthetic-smelling hospital room, soaked in blood. My mom called me after I finished my procedure to see if I was ok, but of course she couldn’t be bothered to show up. No one ever shows up to anything for me. Not even my family. I don’t blame them of course, it’s not like i'm something remarkable or anything. 

I knew that I wasn’t going to be anything in my life from a young age. I didn’t have a talent like sports or creativity. I used to write songs but shortly figured out that it wasn’t the right thing for me. All my friends wanted to be famous and important. I knew that a life of fame would only ever be a dream for me. Now after the accident, I made it even more unlikely for them to achieve their dreams too.

Whenever parents get divorced, or kids get in fights, or traumatic accidents happen, everyone tries to say that it’s never your fault. ‘It just happened’. ‘There were too many factors that led to it happening’. I tried so hard to believe them. So hard. I think that if you say something so much, it starts forming from a word, to a reality. Sometimes, people need validation so much that they’ll trick themselves into seeing different things than what really happened, and repress the truth. But that’s not me, and that never will be me. No matter how much the paramedics tried to convince me, I knew that it was my fault. Every action, has an impact. Now everyone’s lives would be different after the accident, and I can’t hide away the heaviness of my guilt and sorrow.

My head was spinning out of control and my heart pounded so hard that I felt it in my head. I pulled apart the blue felt of the row of chairs until my nails cracked and bled. A lot of the time, my mind is so full of thoughts that I can’t even control my own body. I have crescent moon shaped scars on my palms from clenching my fists, and my nail beds are scarred from fidgeting. It had never gotten as bad as it was in that waiting room. 

Doctors try really hard to make sure that everyone is safe. When they are unable to do that, the hope is drained from their eyes and it quickly drains from yours too. In this situation, no news would be good. At best, they have only a few broken bones and bruises. That would be a miracle.

I was most worried about my best friend, Kendall. She’s been my next door neighbor for years and we’re basically sisters. She was right by me before the accident and I should have protected her better. I should have done so many things, and I shouldn’t have done so many things. 

Streams of blood dripped off my forehead and onto my chest. My eyelids lifted and I looked around. I was disoriented and the figures around me were blurred. I unbuckled my seatbelt and tried to crawl around. How did what I do lead to this? 

                                   1 Hour Earlier

Kendall grabbed my hand and we ran out of school. It was the last day, and all we wanted to do was go home and do our tradition. Every year, we go to the store and buy a bunch of treats and girly things and have a movie night. It’s a little childish, but we’ve done it for as long as I can remember, and I hope that we don’t stop. We always cry, even though we know that we’ll never lose each other. 

I called Kendall over to the bus stop and we sat on the bench. She looked at me, and she was just so happy. I could tell that there was something on her mind, and I knew that it would have something to do with her acting. She had been doing small commercials and singing competitions since she could talk, and I’ve been cheering her on at every single event since I could talk. I asked her what was up and she couldn’t hold it in. She told me that she was cast in a world tour of a production of Annie. She went to an audition on her trip to New York last month and she got the lead role. I always knew that she would have to leave someday. The tour would start this summer, and she would have to leave in a few weeks. A tear ran down my face and she pulled me into a hug. I wiped away the tear and told her how happy I was for her. Kendall said that nothing would change, and she promised that we would never be separated. How did I believe that?

We tried to talk about other things but i just couldn’t believe that she would really be leaving. Kendall always knew when I was upset no matter the lengths I went to to prove I was fine. She stopped talking and reached into her bag. For the past years, she’s never used a backpack and she’s carried everything around in a bag. I never got it, but it doesn’t look like she’s ever going back to backpacks. Kendall pulled out a small, pink, velvet box. She placed it in my hand and I gently lifted off the top. A glint of silver flashed in the sun and my eyes fell to the dainty silver anklet in the box. I lifted it out and wrapped it around my ankle. She smiled and showed me that she had a matching one around her ankle as well. Kendall hugged me again and said that no matter what happened, or whatever pulled us apart, these bracelets would keep us together. Both of us had tears running down our faces and we were going to make the most of these next few weeks.

The bus came to a halt and we got on. We were the first people in line and ran to our favorite spot in the back. I don’t know why. I shouldn’t have done it. No one deserved it. No one. After we sat down, I thought that playing truth or dare would be fun. I thought that it would just be a simple game. Kendall laughed and said sure. We played for a little while, putting on makeup and telling secrets. I should have known better. I was so stupid. It was Kendall’s turn. I dared her to stand up and go tell the bus driver a joke. She was hesitant. I pushed her. Said that it was just a silly joke. Why did I have to be so stubborn? She got up and walked down the aisle. I watched her walk away and cheered for her. I was so foolish. She reached the bus driver and started talking to him. He looked away from the road for one second. One second. One second was all it took. The bus jerked and flipped onto its side. The windows smashed in and I was knocked unconscious.

After I woke up and unbuckled my seatbelt, I tried making it to the front of the bus. I looked at the bodies of my classmates. No one was moving, and I was terrified. Teardrops fell continuously down my face and I looked down. I couldn’t bear to see the pain that I inflicted. I got to the front of the bus and grabbed the radio, but all I heard was static. I tried changing the frequencies but nothing was working. I looked around, trying to figure out how to get help. When I turned, I saw Kendall. She was lying there. Still. Lifeless. Everything was my fault.

My eyes fell to her leggings. Tears were causing them to blur, but I was able to make out the shape of her phone in her legging pocket. I knew Kendall’s password, but the thought of having to do that was making me sick. No one had come to the bus and tried to help. I was on my own, and I needed to contact someone. I swallowed, and reached into the pocket of Kendall’s leggings and got her phone. I opened it and called a paramedic. The man on the phone asked me our location and I didn’t even know. I tried pulling myself up with the window ledge but cut up my hand with the broken glass. I managed to see a sign that said Reymond Avenue so I told that to the man. I hung up the phone, feeling just as helpless as before. I sat curled into a ball for a couple minutes, but felt like I hadn’t done enough. I screamed for help, but my voice had faded from crying. Sitting in that bus, I was nothing. I caused this pain. I was the reason why this happened. Now I can’t even save anyone.

The doctor came into the waiting room and sat next to me, and my heart dropped to my stomach. Three people didn’t make it. Nine severely injured. One in a coma. I killed those people. I injured them. I put that person in a coma. The doctor asked me how the crash happened, and I barely managed to sputter out the story. He looked at me with pity, and I turned away. I asked if Kendall would be ok, and he started to fidget. In the back of my mind, I knew the answer I was going to get, I just wanted it to be a different one. Kendall didn’t make it. She died. She’s gone forever. I told the doctor to leave me alone and I pulled my knees into my chest and shoved my face into them. My grey leggings became soaked with tears and I felt my fingers brush by something that felt like metal. I looked down and it was the anklet that Kendall gave to me at the bus stop. I ripped it off of my foot and clenched it in my hand. I’m going to miss her more than I’ve ever missed anyone. I just wish that I didn’t have to miss her in the first place.