The Unknown

The future will always be unknown, and for people with severe anxiety, the thought of something being unknown is unfathomable. There once was a girl that I knew who tried so hard to be prepared for the future, she became scared of it. She became so scared that she limited her abilities, her goals, and her passions. Some may consider her doing that to herself as some sort of self-sabotage, but for her, it was completely the most logical thing to do. If the world has a 50% chance of ending negatively for her, why risk 100% of it? We’re taught in life that you must give to receive, you must be equal with the Earth and the people with-in it. However, that simply is not a reality. 

            It is hard to be a ‘logical-wanderer’ as this person called her dilemma. Of course she had amazing dreams, and sometimes risked so much to get so little. She once spent almost $20,000 to move across the country at 18 to be somewhere she’s never set foot in, all because of a calling. The calling was telling her that this would be best for her future and of course that was her selling point when she brought it up to her parents. The future would be filled with job opportunities, amazing weather, and a good college education. But, when she was left alone, surrounded by her own thoughts in the late-night, she thought, there was really no promising future. 

            She witnessed the smartest people she knew be dead broke, the hardest workers behind on payments, and so on and so forth. While she believed in hard work and dreaming big, she saw that sometimes, those don’t work. It was a constant battle for her. One day she was fighting for her future, staying up for hours doing work, and the next week she would miss several assignments and opportunities because she essentially stopped believing. She tried so hard to make sense of her likes and dislikes in relation to the world and thought herself to be unique, but she would then later feel irrelevant or unimportant towards the universe with her ‘uniqueness.’ 

            That is one major thing people do not talk about when it comes to being a wanderer. In the movies, books, and songs, people describe having a spotless mind as being a carefree teenager, post-manic pixie dream and a ‘flower-child’ complex. While those are all true, there are some other key parts that are unhighlighted. Those parts are dark, and one part specifically was really big for this girl. They were the nights crying and feeling like this is nowhere near the life you want, and the feeling that you’ll never find it because all you’ve ever done was chase temporary happiness, but at the time it was not just ‘temporary happiness,’ but rather a small joy that motivates you to find the next. Never being satisfied or settled can be so damaging. You can only chase so much until your heart gives up, and you have to hope that it will give up in a spot and mental position you adore, otherwise you’ll realize that you chased the world for absolutely nothing. Maybe it is for something, but there it goes again. Uncertainty. 

            I also had a friend, or an acquaintance would be better to say, who was a complete science nerd. But he once told me a statistic and a fact about the world that confirmed this girl’s favorite quote of all time. First, I will share the fact. The science fanatic told me that with the right conditions, in space, you technically move faster than time itself. While I, myself, am not too big on science and space, this fact really intrigued me. It essentially has something to do with the weight and the light when you are in space. I thought that was pretty cool, as it is almost like the future is chasing you. How ironic. 

            Anyway, the quote this girl absolutely adored was always butchered by her. She only knows of this quote because she saw it in the english-translated subtitle of an Asian Television drama she watched in the 8th grade as has tried her hardest to find the name of. The show was about a girl who dresses up as a guy to get inside a really good track and field program at an all boys school. However, the quote literally has nothing to do with the plot. Despite always messing up the quote, you could still get the general idea of it. It goes something like: “Although the world spins at a predetermined speed, I will not let the weight of this world determine how fast I go.”

            It was funny that I learned the scientific meaning of this quote almost 5 years later. Maybe I heard because It was important for me to hear, and in terms of general ‘dream chasing motivational speaking,’ I am certain that this quote and the facts to back it up are very important for everyone to hear.

            In the end, I do not think this girl stopped chasing her dreams, no matter how much it killed her. She was not a wanderer by nature, but by fear of what the world may have for her. She tried everything and she went everywhere to see where the perfect place to set up shop was. I think it would be absolutely idiotic for her to give up, but then again here’s me talking with the faith and good sides of being a wanderer. It is good to have both lenses. Now, it may be the assumption of someone reading: Why should I care about the writer’s opinion when the situation is not even about her? 

            You would not be wrong. I do find myself being critical of people of things and either not having the experience as those people, or I either have done the same stupid thing I am criticizing. However, I am the girl who just spent $20,000 to travel across the country to live in a city i’ve never even blinked in.