Her Lifeboat Was Drowning Her

Marissa and Jules walked into their apartment wondering why all the lights were off even though Alison was home. It was 8 in the evening, too early for her to be in bed. She was stressed about an interview and said she had too much work to go out with them and yet, they had not quite believed that – the dark apartment was confirming their doubts. “Ali”, they yelled as they walked in, “Ali, we’re home”. “Seth and Adam were there too, it was great fun”, Marissa said as she hung her coat up, “Ali, we’re coming into you’re room, just giving you a heads up in case you have someone in there!” Jules sniggered and pushed the door open dramatically, hoping to catch someone frantically covering themselves with blankets – instead they saw Ali sitting at the foot of her bed, sobbing in the darkness, staring at her phone. She looked up at them and whispered, barely audibly, “Ryan picked her over me again. How am I this naïve to think each time will be different? And how do I end up sitting here every other week and still, still I cannot let go of him”

A year ago, Alison had met Ryan through a friend, Molly who liked Ryan and needed Alison there at Trivia Night for company. Molly and Ryan had never worked out, in fact, they barely spoke any more, but Alison and Ryan had hit it off that night. He gave her a ride home and the rest was history. No, I’m kidding, this is not a love story where Ryan invited Alison upstairs, they talked all night, fell in love, and one year later the love had soured. Spoiler alert, this is not a love story between them at all. They exchanged numbers though, some silly bet about whether they would go to college the next day or whether their hangovers would prevail. They got texting soon after and ended up becoming great friends – they found that broken homes and relationships that had ended with no sense of closure, proved excellent in bringing people together. Surprisingly, despite everyone thinking differently, neither one ever felt anything more than friendship for the other. And this was not one of those suppressing – love – to – not – lose – the – friendship tales, this was just pure friendship.

This was great for a couple of months. Alison was happier than she had been in a long time. She had found someone she could not just share all her dark and twisty with, but who understood it and knew exactly what to say. But more than that, she was that person for somebody, with no strings attached. There was a certain high to that – to feeling needed. She knew Ryan needed her, he showed it very obviously and yet, in an undemanding manner. Even when he started dating Tanya, it changed nothing. Maybe that should have been a sign that that relationship was doomed – the fact that he would message her when out with Tanya, that she heard all about the sex - personal details about his girlfriend he should not have been sharing, that he would ignore Tanya’s calls if he was talking to her. Slowly, for her, it became all about him – she would go out of the way for him and cancel on other friends. She would travel across the city to meet him and do even the smallest things that would make him happy. But she didn’t care – she had her own anti-depressant and nothing could rob her of that high.

Except Ryan himself. Relationships have honeymoon periods, and turns out, this friendship did too. Once Ryan and Tanya broke up, he and Alison became even more codependent. Alison was now spending all her time dealing with his problems and cheering him up, trying to say or do the right thing for him. At this point, he was also trying to make sure she was happy – having long winded discussions about anything upsetting her and going out of his way to make her smile.

One evening, after coming back from the movies with Alison and Ryan, Jules asked her, “stuff seems strained between you two - it was like being with a bickering couple, and it never used to be like that. What’s up?”

Alison replied, “Ryan just seems tense ever since he and Tanya broke up, which I don’t get. He didn’t seem that into her anyway. But he is all wound up, as if the tiniest thing sets him off. If he tells me about something and if I do not say the right thing, he gets upset.”

“What the hell, Ali? You aren’t his personal cheerleader. You can say what you want and he cannot get upset with you for that. He really can be a piece of work sometimes”, retorted Jules. She looked positively indignant.

“You don’t get it, Jules. He’s always been there for me. He’s just going through a rough patch, and if taking it out on me helps, so be it. He’s my best friend and it is the least I can do. It is all I can do for someone who has done everything for me”.

“Well Ali that all sounds very noble and grand, and frankly, a tad bit sentimental for me, but, a bad patch doesn’t give anyone the right to treat someone else like crap. Just remember that. And I know you like feeling needed, but it is worth it?”

And for the next couple of months, that was the way it was. Alison was always strained and on edge. She seemed to be explaining herself on the phone all the time. She’d moan about it to Jules or Marissa, but the moment they would say anything against Ryan she would get defensive and begin to justify his behavior. They got tired of this – they were under the impression that either she should listen to them and stand up for herself, or she should quit moaning over her toxic friendship, which frankly, neither of them could comprehend. After a while, they stopped advising her, they would listen to her talk about Ryan and just say nothing.

But what Jules and Marissa could not understand was Alison’s state of mind. For Alison, her lifeboat had suddenly become a stone – she could barely comprehend how this friendship that she had placed over and above everything in her life was now consuming her and pulling her down. Ryan was constantly angry with her, he would pick a fight over the smallest things, he would criticize her lifestyle and refuse to talk to her while she was with Jules and Marissa. All she knew was, once he realized that she was dependent on him, he let his real insecure and emotionally destructive self show. This person who needed to control and dominate her was virtually unrecognizable to her.

After dinner with Marissa and some other friends one time, Alison checked her phone and saw a missed call from Ryan. She called him back from the cab and when he answered, he was talking loudly enough for Marissa to hear.

“You bitch, why have you not answered your phone for two hours?”

“Ryan, I was at dinner with Marissa and Seth and my phone was in my bag. There is no need to abuse me. What happened, is everything okay?”

“Yeah it is now, but it was not then. Craig was being an asshole about the band’s set list for the gig on Thursday, and I was really far behind in studying for the Economics midterm. But you know what, you didn’t care enough to answer, so I don’t want to talk about it now. Actually, I am still in a bad mood and I am switching my phone off, I’ll talk to you tomorrow, if I have studied tomorrow”. And he hung up.

Marissa just watched helplessly as Alison started sobbing in the cab. She watched her try and call him back over and over, only to have her calls cut. Finally Marissa just had to say something, “Ali, you cannot be at his beck and call, you have your life. I know he was an amazing friend to you for a really long time, but he has been taking you for granted for equally long”.

Alison had heard all these arguments before, the you – deserve – better, you – have – people – who – care – about – you, you – don’t – even – like – the – guy ones. She just sighed. She knew her friends meant well, but in those moments, they made her feel completely lonely. They did not understand that she was too invested in her friendship, that it did not matter that he was being a prick now – he had not always been like that. She knew, that the both of them had been let down by people too many times in the past, and because of that she would not be able to live with herself if she walked away when it was the toughest to stay.

A couple of months after the cab incident (and there were many many incidents like that one – there was the one where Ali stood outside the bar all night long talking to Ryan because he couldn’t study, the one where she didn’t go out with Jules and Marissa because he had a fight with his parents and was in a terrible mood – the list went on), Ryan met Natasha.

Before I tell you about Natasha, I should tell you, by this point, Alison had given up talking to Ryan about anything important in her life – he either trivialized it, or found some way to turn it against her. The only thing he ever listened to her about was her family – and she stopped talking to him about it when she realized she had started using it as a means to remember what the two of them had been like. At this point, Ali mentally showed up to this friendship, because she genuinely believed Ryan really needed her. She never realized Ryan exploited that and kept emotionally chipping away at her, one bit at a time. It helped him – it made him feel in charge and superior and secure in the knowledge that he had someone who stayed, no matter how he treated her. And really, she was equally to blame, every time he said something horrible, she kept coming back with the naïve belief that she was helping him.

Natasha. Ryan started dating her in a weird turn of events. Weird because he asked Ali’s permission before doing so. Weird because he assured Ali she would still be his priority over Natasha. Weird because even at that point neither of them felt any need to question their relationship. What finally broke Ali was Ryan’s breaking of his promise that she would be his priority.

“What do you mean Ali, what do you mean he has picked her over you again”, asked Jules. Alison had to give her some credit – after about six months of hearing her cry about Ryan, Jules could still look concerned, Marissa on the other hand would just look bored.

“He told me to stay home so we could talk. He knew I wanted to talk about university”, sobbed Alison, “but he was upset about things with his band and I listened, I really did. And I have heard this so so many times, so I told him the same things I always tell him. He realized that and started screaming – saying I am trivializing his issues with Craig and I am trying to deal with this quickly so I can join you guys at Gryphon’s. And then Natasha called him to come over and he just switched tunes. He hung up to go over to hers. He said he’d talk to her, that she would be more understanding and better for him to talk to. This is the fourth time this week he has yelled at me and then gone off and been normal with her. And I don’t think I can do it anymore. I can’t be his punching bag while she gets sunshine and rainbows. He picks her over me – he treats her well and takes me for granted and after two months of this I am done. This time, I really am. Oh, and in all of this, he forgot that I wanted to talk too – when I mentioned it, he just said, “You shouldn’t have made me angry”.”

“Two months”, Marissa scoffed, “two months. Ali, he has been taking you for granted for nearly a year. He’s not treating you worse because he’s treating Natasha better, he’s treating you the same. You’re just realizing it because you see him treat someone the way normal human beings treat one another. Plus she’s sleeping with him – I told you ages ago that the solution to all his problems was sex. He wouldn’t have whined so much if you had just slept with him”.

“Marissa”, exclaimed Alison! “I have told you a million times, it is not that way with Ryan”.

“I believe you”, said Jules, “but it isn’t with anyone else, is it? You put your whole life on hold for him, but he’s been around the block, it is just that he knows you’re there for him to come back to. I do not know what you were trying to prove, what you still are. For the record, I believe you when you say that you and he are just friends. Frankly, all that whining would turn me off in a millisecond. But just ask yourself – this is the fourth time this week we have found you crying under various pieces of furniture because he has yelled at you and then gone off to Natasha. If you think this is okay, fine, Marissa and I are here to pick you up each time. But there has to be one time you will realize that you’re better than just waiting around for him to come back to from Natasha. And for once Ali, just listen to us, we aren’t the enemy.”

“I know Jules, trust me, I do. I just cannot get myself to leave”.

“Leave? Leave what? It is not like you’re dating him. You’re stuck in some weirdly crippling friendship that you can get out of whenever you like. Just do not answer the phone. Or answer it and tell him to stick it. Tell him you are done being a punching bag and you can get support from other friends. You just have to do it once. And then you know how to leave”, Jules made air-quotes around ‘leave’.

Alison looked at them and was about to say something, presumably in Ryan’s defense, when her phone rang. Jules looked down and sighed, “We’ll be outside when you’re done talking to that piece of shit”.

As she and Marissa sat down in the living room, rummaging through takeout menus, Alison walked out of the room. “Well, I answered and the first word out of his mouth was ‘bitch’. I think I had decided I was done even before you guys came home, but that, and your pep speeches, pushed me over the edge”.

“Well”, said Marissa expectantly, “you’re smiling while crying and you walked out in a second so tell me you gave it to him good!”

“Is ‘go fuck yourself’ good”, asked Alison, as she broke down crying, “I know, I know, I am going to say I don’t know what I will do without him and you both will say you lived before him and you will now – so spare me that, please? Let’s not talk about this, let’s go back to Gryphon’s and get some alcohol in me?”

“We’re going out and the first round is on me! Hell, Ali’s night is on me”, yelled Jules! 

Alison let them walk ahead and cheer amongst themselves. She knew she had not yet severed the cord wholly. She knew she was going to be tempted to pick up the phone many times, she knew she’d be crying into her pillow every time she felt like she needed to talk to someone. More than anything, she knew her resolve would weaken every time he would message. But, in this moment, stepping out of her house without her phone, knowing she didn’t care if someone needed her or abused her or criticized her, in that moment, she was no longer in a toxic relationship. In that moment, she was no longer powerless.