Human Resources

[Follow up to Submission to Contest #193: The midnight ride]

People are paid to do their job, no matter how much they say they like it. If the salary factor were removed, no one would stay at their desk, no matter how much they like what they do, their colleagues, or the work environment. That’s a fact; if anyone says otherwise, they lie. Still, to me, at that point, salary was the least of my concerns. Since I had had my promotion, I had spent a fair amount of time trying to understand what I was supposed to do about my job and how I was supposed to get out of that situation I had gotten into. I knew I was a kickass professional, but I was not sure I was ready to suck the life of others to get the results I wanted. Somehow, that’s a line I had drawn for myself many years before— not licking boots and not throwing anyone under the Corporate bus— and the idea of having to kill people— literally— was making me uncomfortable.

I didn’t mean that, to get Ezra killed. My manager seemed to have forgotten about the midnight ride episode because he had not mentioned it in the following days, but I was sure he was just waiting for my weakest moment to throw it at me. Although I felt terrible about what had happened to Ezra, I knew I did not have many options: either I worked on my career, or Amir would kill me as he had done to him and many others, and I did not want to die. With the option of keeping myself alive and breathing came something else: the possibility of working on something that could free me from him. I had endured too much professionally to let him end it just because he could.

That’s why I contacted Human Resources, looking for help. I had never had much faith in that Group, and I never felt they did much for my career, apart from scheduling my first interview and taking care of the contract. Still, since they kept advertising themselves in the Company Intranet as the people to reach in case of need, that’s precisely what I did, and that’s how I met Lilith.

Lilith was my department’s HR representative, the person we were supposed to reach in case of conflict or coaching needs. I had talked with her a couple of times before on the phone, but I had never seen her face, and since there was no photograph of her on the intranet, I did not know who to expect the day she asked me to meet her. The appointment was scheduled on the same day I contacted her. I called her in the morning, and while we were talking, I received a meeting request to meet her face-to-face later in the afternoon. This would have been faster if I had walked to her desk, and I was pleasantly surprised about her availability. She lived according to her Group’s motto: “Here to support.” I should have doubted, which should have triggered something in me, but at that point, it was clear I was not at my peak of knowing what I was doing with my life or what was happening around me.

I arrived with a couple of minutes to spare to the meeting room on the last floor of the building, which I had always believed was reserved for the Top Management. Inside the glass wall space were only three pieces of furniture: a table and two chairs, all in a grey semi-transparent material that reflected the light in an eery way. I walked towards the glass wall and looked down. The views were scary but beautiful. Everything on the ground floor seemed small, and people leaving the building, walking all over the Campus, looked like ants moving in their colony. That’s what we were for the big bosses, little people doing things for them, making things move, feeding the system. I started to feel vertigo and took two steps back from the glass wall, and then I heard someone behind me.

“Good afternoon, Fate; I’m glad to meet you finally,” she said.

Before me, there was a tall, black woman dressed in a white pantsuit and the highest, more bad-ass high heels I’d ever seen until that day. Her black curly hair fell over her shoulders and it seemed that every hair had been designed to be part of a flawless structure. No frizz, no hair out of place. She looked strong, and I wondered what kind of sports routine she followed because even with the blazer on, I could notice the muscles in her arms. I was out of words, but then I said too much.

“I did not imagine you like this,” I said, and I regretted it instantly. I should have known better than to objectify another woman at the very moment I met her.

“You’re not the first person to tell me, so don’t worry,” she said, leaving me off the hook, though I couldn’t forgive myself for such a brain slip. Amir had said the promotion would bring me clarity of mind and power to control others, but all I had managed to do lately was to contradict everything I’d stood for in my career: treating people with respect, challenging others to be better, creating alliances… the last time I had tried to get myself an ally I had got him murdered, what a way to create anything. For a whole week, the only thing I saw whenever I tried to sleep were Ezra’s lifeless eyes while Amir drove off the car. I had not mentioned him since, my boss had said nothing and the coffee stand had a new guy that reminded me everyday what I had done and what I hadn’t. I had almost fed on Ezra, stopping just in time for Amir to chase him like a beast on a Safari. I was not living up to my standards. Maybe Lilith could help me.

“What would you like me to do for you? How can I help you? I heard. It was as if she was replying to my questions before I could speak about them.

“I am struggling with my new position,” I said. “I’m not sure about what I should do.”

“Is this a question about role clarity, or is the struggle related to stakeholder management, for example?”

That’s a weird way to put it: stakeholders management. Well, I don’t want to feed on my stakeholders, or be killed by any of them, I thought.

Lilith giggled.

I stared at her and saw a little spark in her eyes. She was not giggling anymore, and I felt goosebumps all over my body. No, it can’t be.

“You should relax,” she said. “New job, new responsibility… and we know Amir is training you well, but you should not test his patience. He gave you the choice, isn’t it?”

I tried to stand up. I wanted to leave that room and that building as soon as possible, but my legs were not responding.

“You just need to focus to do it.”

“Sorry?”

“The job. If you want things to improve, you must do the job.”

The more she spoke, the more I felt someone was using my limbs to tie me to that chair. The pain was ridiculous, but my lips did not move, my skin was cold, my face seemed made of stone… and still, nothing of those things were happening. I was only sitting with another woman in a glass meeting room. People passed by. Some smiled, others did not even look at us, and the only thing I could think about was crying and screaming until she leaned on me and said, “I don’t like him either.”

She pronounced those words, and my body was mine again. There were no stone, cold, or pain feelings anymore. I moved my fingers, almost surprised to be able to.

“You should be careful around here,” she continued. “Not everyone would understand what you’re going through.”

“I’m not sure I follow,” I replied.

“A young woman, surrounded by men, requested to do things… well, things you are uncomfortable doing.”

And the price for the understatement of the year goes to…

“There’s no need to make jokes about it,” she said, and right then, I was sure she was one of them because, although I heard it loud and clear, her lips had not moved a millimeter.

“Maybe I’ve said too much. I should not complain about my situation before trying to improve it, right? I had a manager who used to tell us not to bring him problems but solutions… I should look for solutions…”

“You should kill him, dear. You should kill him.”

That was, in fact, an option. Who said Human Resources doesn’t have the answers? Me? Right…