The Biological Mistake

“Breathe Sarah…just breathe.”

Breathe? Is she kidding?

The hospital’s dim fluorescent light reverberated against my head, giving me an instant headache. Giving birth here is like having to deliver a baby in a third world country. But heck this is Townsville! The mid wife was nice and all, but you could tell she didn’t understand the pain.

“We can see the head, keep pushing!”

The cries of a new life cracked across the room, making me smile, but I was mostly relieved.

“It’s a girl congratulations!”

Congratulations? I didn’t want this damn baby to begin with.

“We’ll clean her up then you can have snuggles.” The mid wife was gaga over this little gremlin already…maybe she can take her?

…

It was the 80’s, everyone was sleeping with everyone. I saw my baby’s father from across the room. He was tall, had brown hair and really tanned skin. He seemed at ease with himself, and I couldn’t help but approach him…well after a few beers I’m always brave.

“Hey…what’s your name?” I could feel the slurring in my voice but tried to sound sober.

“I’m Johnathan, how do you know Dylan?”

The truth was I don’t know Dylan. All I knew was that this was his house and they were having a party… so I was technically crashing their good time.

“Ahh…I’m friends with Dylan’s sister.”

“Oh Sophie? Yeah she’s cool.”

Thank god that was a complete stab in the dark!

“Can I get you a drink?”

“Sure, show me to the esky!” Oh my god I’m so cringe.

The party went on and Johnathan and I ended up chatting all night. It didn’t take long for us to start kissing…and well you know the rest.

…

Oh my god. I’m a mum…a mother…I have a freaking baby!

The mid wife put the bundle of pink and red into my arms, she was squirming a little, like a little grub. She was cute I had to admit. She inherited her father’s lovely olive skin. But I couldn’t get attached, she needs to go to a family that actually wants a baby.

“Can I fill out the forms for the adoption…like now?” The sooner I can get out of here the better.

…

“Give me the needle.”

My voice was deep and almost masculine, I didn’t want this junkie to rip me off again.

“Jesus lady no need to be so damn pushy.”

The strap tightened around my calf, I needed that vein in between my toes. My arms looked like a country road, something off the beaten track - so the speak. I’ve been ‘chasing the dragon’ for years now. The streets of Townsville haven’t been kind to me. I didn’t care though, as long as I get that next hit.

“You won’t find a vein like that mate, let me try.”

I was hesitant to hand the needle over, this was a trap for sure. He was going to run off with my stuff!

The punch to his head came before I even realised. I felt bone crunch beneath my scrawny fists. The sores on my hands immediately started to bleed.

“YOU BITCH!”

He raged at me, lunging for the needle, his toothless mouth gaping…almost salivating. He grabbed me by the hair, the scalp ripped and a huge chunk of blonde was clutched in his gnarled hand. We were punching on, hitting and breaking our bones like animals fighting over a fresh carcass. I didn’t hear the sirens at first. The grip of a much bigger man was tearing me from this fight, apprehending me into the back of the paddy wagon.

This wasn’t the first time I’d been arrested. My face must have looked shocking, I could feel the blood trickling down from my left eye and torn scalp. Thankfully they didn’t handcuff me this time, I hate how they cut into my skin.

“Out you get now, you’re not going to run off are you?” The police officer was surprisingly kind. Normally they are fairly belligerent toward addicts like me.

“Come with me now, we’re taking you in to the hospital, they can clean you up and look after you in there.”

I could feel the throbbing now, I must have broken ribs. The walk from the paddy wagon to the front door was absolute torture. A young nurse greeted us, and I could see she was trying hard not to contort her face. Jesus I must look bad this time.

“I’ll take her from here, thanks officer.”

A gloved hand gently cradled my elbow leading me down the florescent hallway. This looks familiar…

“Ok so I have to ask you a few questions, first can I get your name and date of birth?”

“Sarah Wilkins…23^rd April 1967.”

“Ok good, do you have any children or someone who can come get you?”

The mention of children made me pang unexpectedly. I’m not exactly sure why. Maybe it was this girl…this nurse… She had blonde hair, tanned skin and looked awfully like someone I know, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Heroin is great for memory loss.

“No…I have no one.”

“Oh ok, we have services that we can direct you to. Not to worry we’ll look after you.”

“Where are you from?” The question fell from my mouth before I could stop it.

“Oh…well I’m a local, I was born right here in this hospital actually. I guess I never left.”

“Really? When were you born?”

“15th June, why?”

“What year?” My heart was racing now.

“1982…”

“What’s your name?”

“I’m not sure why you need to know this?” Her face looked pained, like she was uncomfortable. Which was fair, she probably thought I was going to rob her.

“Please, what’s your name?”

“My name is Ella.”

“Were you adopted Ella?”

“Yes…but how could yo-…” She stopped mid phrase, the realisation coming to her quickly like a bullet train.

“I think I’m your mother…biological mother.”

“How can this be? I never imagined that I’d meet you… let alone see you like this…what happened to you?”

“I was really messed up after having you…your birth father wasn’t around and I was in no position to have a baby. I had no money, no job…I missed you the second I left the hospital. It was like I had left a part of myself and given it to someone else. I regretted it… I turned to drugs straight away and have been living on the streets. I literally had nowhere else to go. I’m so sorry.”

“Please don’t be sorry. My mum and dad are wonderful. You did the right thing. I genuinely have no animosity toward you Sarah. It would have been hard to give up a baby, but keeping a baby when you can’t raise it is worse.”

“I’m sorry…” The room started spinning, my heart was beating out of my chest. The shock of our meeting had made me forget the pain. The throbbing was almost too much to take. I fell to the floor, blood began to pool around my body.

“Ella…you…have…to…know…I’m…sorry…” I was gasping between each word. I could feel and taste the blood, the metallic flavour coating my tongue.

“Don’t be sorry, let me help you now. You’re mistake is forgiven.”