To: hermes@olympians.com
From: hephaestus@olympians.com
Subject: Your order is ready [nr: 45031]
Hey Hermes,
I finished the work. Pick-up details below.
Best,
Hephaestus
---
We have completed the work on your item, nr 45031. You may pick up your order from Monday 10 am. Please visit our website for information about opening times.
***
Hephaestus:
Hey
Did you take anything from my workshop earlier?
Hermes:
Just my sandals. Why?
Nice work on the wings btw.
Hephaestus:
See anyone else while you were there?
Hermes:
No. Why??
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: hephaestus@olympians.com
Subject: Who’s been in my workshop??
This email was sent with high importance
Hi all,
Did any of you enter my workshop today? I appear to be missing some fire.
As you know, article 15 of Olympian law clearly states that no one is allowed to remove any item from a workshop without the owner’s written permission. If you return the fire today, I will say no more about it.
Thanks,
Hephaestus
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: ares@olympians.com
Subject: RE: Who’s been in my workshop??
You accusing me of theft????
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: hephaestus@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: Who’s been in my workshop??
Just answer the question: did you take fire from my workshop?
Thanks,
Hephaestus
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: ares@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Who’s been in my workshop??
NO NO NO
No I haven’t even been in your shitty workshop, you metal-brained cripple
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: hestia@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Who’s been in my workshop??
Now, now. Let’s all calm down!
Don’t be rude, Ares.
Hephaestus dear, I haven’t been in your workshop. Are you sure this fire is missing? Perhaps it has fallen behind something? Let me know if you want help looking!
Hugs,
Hestia
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: ares@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Who’s been in my workshop??
Hestia,
Piss off.
x Ares
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: athena@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Who’s been in my workshop??
I haven’t been in your workshop for three weeks.
Good luck.
Athena
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: hades@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Who’s been in my workshop??
Hephaestus,
Don’t use the mailing list for trivial things.
Hades
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: hephaestus@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Who’s been in my workshop??
Hades,
This is hardly trivial! Do you have any idea what sort of damage rogue fire can cause? Do you remember the time that candle was left unattended by the super volcano? It took months to repair the damage. Now imagine that sort of destruction up here.
Whoever took my fire, just return it!
Thanks,
Hephaestus
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: hades@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Who’s been in my workshop??
Whatever. Just take me off this mailing list or stop hitting “reply all” or however this computer stuff works. I’m busy.
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: zeus@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Who’s been in my workshop??
‘Sup everyone? Just woke up.
Can someone summarise the last trillion mails?
Z
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: hera@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Who’s been in my workshop??
Just woke up, hah! More like just crept back inside after a quick visit to earth. Who was it this time? I can smell her perfume.
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: hades@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Who’s been in my workshop??
Augh! Too much information.
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: hermes@olympians.com
Subject: Check out this movie…
Attachment: humans_dancing_around_bonfire.mp4
Hiya all,
Have a look at the movie! Crazy, eh? I was just cruising along and saw these humans. That fire look familiar, Heph?
Cheers
Hermes
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: zeus@olympians.com
Subject: RE: Check out this movie…
WHAT
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: hephaestus@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: Check out this movie…
Oh hell.
But how could they have gotten up here to my workshop?
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: athena@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Check out this movie…
They can’t have. It’s impossible. Someone must have given it to them.
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: zeus@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Check out this movie…
And when I find the TRAITOR I will tear him to pieces and disembowel him and tear him into smaller pieces and jump on them and then spit on him and then grab a thunderbolt and zap him and crush him like an egg!
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: hestia@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Check out this movie…
Oh come, now, dear! You don’t mean that, surely? Take a deep breath. I’m sure this is all just a big understanding. Perhaps we should all meet for a nice cup of tea and talk this over?
Hugs,
Hestia
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: zeus@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Check out this movie…
KILL!!! TRAITOR!!!
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: hermes@olympians.com
Subject: Gotcha! Haha!
Attachment: security_0345.mp4
Hey guess what!
I dug up the security footage for last night. Looks like our culprit is the mysterious Mr Pixel. Hahaha!
Cheers
Hermes
PS: I told you we should’ve invested in a better camera system!
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: athena@olympians.com
Subject: RE: Gotcha! Haha!
Attachment: security_0345_highres.mp4
Hermes,
As I’ve told you half a dozen time, our camera system works just fine. It simply requires an operator who isn’t a complete and utter idiot. All you have to do is go to “Settings”, then “Resolution” and selection the option “As high as possible”. Otherwise, all you get is a simple 50x50 pixel preview.
Attached is a high resolution clip.
Best,
Athena
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: hermes@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: Gotcha! Haha!
Holy cracker, that’s Prometheus!
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: zeus@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Gotcha! Haha!
I’m going to MURDER that son of a Titan! How dare he give fire to the humans? What next? Give them phones? Computers? The internet??
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: hephaestus@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Gotcha! Haha!
Hi all,
This is a problem. Is Olympian law applicable to Titans? I know humans and animals don’t fall under it (article 3) but it doesn’t say anything about Titans. Does that mean we can’t punish him because he’s outside our jurisdiction? But he stole from my workshop, which clearly is covered by Olympian law, so then …?
Suggestions?
Best,
Hephaestus
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: hades@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Gotcha! Haha!
Now this is important non-trivial business.
Zeus - how do you propose we punish this Prometheus guy? Who is he anyway?
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: zeus@olympians.com
Subject: Please vote
Everyone,
I made a poll: www.howarewegonnapunishthatbastardprometheus.onlinepolls.olympus
Please vote. Add options if you like.
Z
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: hermes@olympians.com
Subject: RE: Please vote
Are we a democracy now?
:)
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: zeus@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: Please vote
Shut up and vote.
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: hephaestus@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Please vote
Good idea, Zeus! There are some excellent suggestions there already.
Let’s get him!
Hephaestus
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: aphrodite@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please vote
Dear all,
Thank you for reaching out. I apologise for not getting back to you sooner. As you know, I have been travelling. This part of the world is absolutely stunning: golden beaches, turquoise sea, waving palm trees. I get up every morning to watch the sunrise and I think I am slowly beginning to realise who I truly am. I feel more alive now than I ever have. More at peace with the world.
I have therefore decided to distance myself from this punishment scheme so that I can continue to focus on my own spiritual well-being.
Peace and love,
Aphrodite
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: ares@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please vote
Urgh. I feel sick.
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: zeus@olympians.com
Subject: Results
Okay so everyone has voted (except Aphrodite, I’ll be having a word with you later). Here are the results:
Total votes: 12
A: Kill him: 2 votes, 16,7%
B: Forgive him: 1 vote, 8,3%
C: Chain him to a rock and make an eagle come and eat his liver every day: 8 votes, 66,7%
D: Something involving clay pigeons and buttermilk, I’m sure we can think of something funny: 1 vote, 8,3%
Let’s do this!
I know an eagle btw.
Z
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: hephaestus@olympians.com
Subject: RE: Results
I’ve got a chain.
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: hermes@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: Results
And I know a decent rock to chain him to.
Cheers,
Hermes
PS: Do you think we could combine options C and D? Like, what if we pelt him with clay pigeons before the eagle comes? Or instead of chaining him to a rock, we make him float in a pool full of buttermilk?
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: hades@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Results
I really don’t know what to say.
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: ares@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Results
I do.
Shut
The
Hell
Up
You
Weirdo
!!!
***
To: MailingOlympus
From: athena@olympians.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Results
Are we doing this or what?
****
Eagle:
Dun dun dun dun dun dun
Prometheus:
?
Eagle:
Dun dun DUN DUN DUN
Prometheus:
??
Eagle:
It’s ominous music :)
Prometheus:
What
Eagle:
Ominous (adjective)
Giving the worrying impression that something bad is going to happen
Prometheus:
I know what it means!
Why
Eagle:
I am your doom
Prometheus:
??
Do I know u?
Eagle:
You’re about to
Prometheus:
??
Who is this?
Eagle:
(*)>
Prometheus:
What’s that supposed to be?
Eagle:
An eagle
Prometheus:
Looks more like a sparrow
Or a chicken
Who are u?
Eagle:
You ever thought of becoming an organ donor?
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10 comments
I was giggling throughout this entire thing
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thanks!
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This story was a hoot to read - thanks!
Reply
thank you!
Reply
woah nice story. must have taken a while to type up all the emails
Reply
Thanks! Luckily copy&paste works quite well for the email template...
Reply
This is so creative! Consider me your fan :D
Reply
Thank you :) One of the sillier things I've written, but I needed something silly!
Reply
Hilarious!
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Okay, this is random and waaay behind the times, but I just stumbled across this and I love it!!! It's amazing. It's hilarious. I was dying the whole time. I love the Greek gods. They're so ridiculous and fun to write about. I wrote a parody of Baucis and Philemon for contest 44, but this was waaaaay funnier. You're an amazing writer. My favorite line was, "I’m going to MURDER that son of a Titan! How dare he give fire to the humans? What next? Give them phones? Computers? The internet??" XD Oh my goodness, this was absolute genius. I lo...
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