Submitted to: Contest #51

The Legend Of The Universe Hiding In The Stars.

Written in response to: "Write a story that begins and ends with someone looking up at the stars."

General

I was looking up into the stars, on my rooftop, my parents never approved of me going so far up they always thought it was unsafe and dangerous but I still go up there but only while they sleep. I had had such an awful and horrible day at school, I got bullied once again by Mellissa and her little crew and the boy I’m in love with, he never seems to notice me unless he needs the answers to our pop quiz. i said out loud “I feel like tomorrow will change how everyone see’s me...”

I wake up and it’s 6am I must wake up early to get onto the school bus otherwise I’ll be late. I hop into the shower, wash my face, wash my hair, brush my teeth and throw on some deodorant and perfume to start my day. I go to my closet and notice something odd, these aren’t my clothes I’ve never worn any of this. I go downstairs in my towel to see if my clothes were in the wash or the dryer this is starting to get weird now...

I ran upstairs checking the time and now I realise... I’m going to be late! I quickly throw on some ripped jeans, tank top and run down the stairs to put my shoes on. I ran outside whilst grabbing my keys and notice the bus passing my house, I can’t catch up! Oh crap I forgot my phone I’ll quickly go inside to grab it and start walking but as I was grabbing my keys I notice a car key... what in the world-I open up the garage after grabbing my phone and I see an old school style mustang and I scream with joy! I hop into my new car and I drive to school...

I’m currently in period 3 and everyone keeps looking at me even the boy I’m in love with, I ask my best friend Elle “hey why’s everyone looking at me” she looked shocked and I didn’t know why until she said to me “why are you talking to me..? You’re the most popular girl in the school Gracelynne” I look at her in disbelief saying “stop playing, this joke isn’t funny anymore Elle, you’re scaring me“ and she looked down and continued her essay. How could this be? Me? Most popular? This couldn’t be!

The school days finally over! I hop into my car and then Mellissa and her crew come to the drivers side of the car and they start talking to me... “Hey Gracie! You wanna come to the mall with us!” I didn’t know what to say, she’s bullied me all throughout school for so many years all because the boy I love kissed me when we were all kids, why is she being nice to me now? I just don’t seem to understand. “Uhh I think I’ll pass but thank you!” I replied with, I start my car and start to drive home...

I call Elle to see if she wants to come over and she said yes! Thank god she’s coming over, maybe she can help me understand why this is all happening.

I explain everything to her, she has a look on her face and that look always has meant she knows or has read about this.

“the legend of the universe hiding in the stars” I look at her and just say “huh? The legend of the what now?” She explained “well Gracelynne has anyone said be careful what you put into the universe?” “Yes of course“ I replied “well I think that’s what’s happening to you, after all you said...” and we said at the same time “I have a feeling everything will change tomorrow...” I realised what has happened and I start thinking to myself “how do I undo this!” Elle looks at me astonished “we were best friends?” I replied laughing “we still are dummy” we both giggled. Elle had to go home so she can study for our test tomorrow, when she left I ran to my laptop to google “the legend of the universe hiding in the stars” it started to make sense now, but what will I do..?

I go onto my rooftop to look at the stars, all of a sudden my vision goes blurry, I feel light headed, my ribs are in pain and my nose starts to bleed, I fell unconscious.

i woke up in the hospital, my family is waiting by me, Elle is asleep in the chair next to my hospital bed and the boy I’m in love with is checking to see if I was okay. Jacob that’s his name Jacob Thompson, when we were small I remember him kissing me while we played truth or dare and I’ve loved him ever since, but why is he here? He saw me awake, I have no memory of what had happened and he yelled for a doctor. I asked the doctor what had happened, The doctor explained to me that I had fallen through the roof and shattered my ribs, I was in a coma for two months...

Jacob looked at me and said “I came over to your house to see if you were okay, I saw Mellissa and her friends pushing you around and then saw you crying in class, someone as nice and beautiful as you doesn’t deserve to be treated like that. I saw you fall and called the ambulance“

I looked up at him and said thank you, in my head I’m saying “he called me beautiful oh my god ahhhh” he looked at me and said he’s going to be waiting in the next room while the doctors do check ups and make sure I’m okay. I look into the window and see the stars glistening, that day wasn’t real, Jacobs here, Elles here and my whole families here. Maybe this is what my fate was, this wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t look up into the stars.

by Gracelynne Neil-Dunlop

Posted Jul 20, 2020
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16 likes 1 comment

Greg Gorman
14:35 Jul 30, 2020

Hi, Grace. Good story. I had some questions about the flow and sequence but you tied everything together in the end. That was great. I would suggest mentioning waking up in the morning for continuity. Don't say she went to bed because that's not what happened. Just mention something about waking up or opening her eyes. I think that would be a little easier for the reader.
A lot of kids sneak out of the house at night but not to look at the stars. I liked how you took a common thing about kids but this time the reason was unique. I bet there are a lot of kids who get pushed around or are having a rough life. At night, they are almost certainly looking at the stars. "Why is this happening to me?" "Why me?" "What did I do to deserve this?" You're speaking to an awful lot of people with this story; not just kids.
You have a few things that need to be cleaned up. Proofread this again. You're missing punctuation, especially periods. The missing periods will break up what looks like really long sentences and make it easier for the reader. You're missing some capital letters, too.
I was a little confused when I was reading the first paragraph. The way it was written, I thought the boy the MC liked was one of the people bullying her. Maybe rework that for clarification.
I also didn't understand why Gracelynne wants to undo this new reality. She's popular, she has a Mustang and she still has her best friend. Are things that strange she wants to go back? If so, think about explaining why. By the way, my wife loves Mustangs. I think that would be her favorite part.
This is a really good story. You did well and I think you spoke to a lot of people who need just that.

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