Realization

Trigger warning: mentions of rape

I got into the car and was planning to sit in silence. I felt my mother’s pressuring aura as she entered the car. I felt quite nervous as this was the time, I would begin to hear my mother yell at me, or nag me to death, or just destroy me because of what I had just done. We took the time to go out to get my wisdom teeth taken out, and I had denied the operation because I felt anxious. It was not completely because I had felt anxious, it was also because the surgeon was telling me that he felt slightly uncomfortable doing it.

I took a hard swallow as I felt the tension increase as we whipped out of the parking lot and my mom began racing down the street to avoid oncoming traffic. I knew what was coming. I prepared myself as I waited patiently for the onslaught of words to come forcibly out of her mouth.

“I just don’t understand Selene. I don’t understand what you think is gonna end up happening if you keep those teeth in your mouth. Why would you deny it?” I swallowed hard as I tried to think of a response that would be suitable, but I couldn’t come up with one.

“Not to mention when you called the Stars Health Services, you should have mentioned to them that you needed to get your cleaning and visit their doctor’s office considering you don’t have insurance, to begin with.” I tried to stay as quiet as possible. I knew my mother was right, but for some reason, I couldn’t do much to force myself to get these things done. It was like an invisible force telling me I would never be able to do any of the things my mother tells me to do.

“You needed to see a doctor since you were in high school. Not to mention a gynecologist after having sex with god knows how many boys.” That is where my surge of being terrified and anxious became anger. I was not angry about her telling me to go to the doctor. I was angry because my mother knew how many boys I had slept with and chose to not acknowledge it, instead of considering myself as someone who just slept around with whoever was male and moved. I only slept with three people in my entire life. The first one was my worst nightmare who I describe as a demon. For six years, since I was in middle school, I was abused, manipulated to believe in shit that was not even close to being real, and the last bit where I was raped. For six years without my mother knowing, I was raped. I was even tricked and told that if I wanted to pay him back, I would have to perform sexual favors for him.

The second one wasn’t as bad, however, he cheated on his last girlfriend with me after saying countless times that he would break up with her. Along with the thought that it would be “okay” and “not to worry about it”. In the long run, he cheated on her, broke up with her, the girl ended up confronting me and I was irritated considering I knew what was going to happen. However, I didn’t listen to myself and I regretted that aspect completely. I ended up destroying my reputation while he went off and did his own thing. Left me in the dust and did not even look back.

Afterward leads to the third boy, which is the boy who was my best friend and became my lover. It has been a successful relationship; we both communicate even though our personalities are almost completely different. However, I love him, and he loves me. I am not with someone who does not care about me and treats me like trash. I was happy with him and it seemed that my mother especially discarded him without a single thought to it.

I stayed silent as much as I could even though my anger was building up. “I just don’t understand. I do not understand what is with you and the rest of your generation saying they have anxiety to the point to stops you from doing normal tasks. You have to push your anxiety down to make yourself a better person.” I was sobbing silently while looking out the car window as I heard a choke come from my mother’s way. “You need to do what you need to do to better yourself. I am allowing you to be selfish to better yourself. Take the opportunity to better yourself.” Her words broke through the anger that presented its way towards me.

“I am working so you can do what you need to get done. I don’t care about taking days off to get you what you need, you just need to call and schedule it.” I sat there in silence. It has been a while since I spoke, but I felt there was not much to say.

I looked up slightly and opened my mouth to say anything. However, it was not what was on my mind, but something completely different.

“I was planning on doing some organization and cleaning the room.”

“Selene, stop. Focus on one thing at a time. You need to make a list and prioritize those things one at a time, not all at once. Just breathe and take your time.” I nodded and stayed silent. When we finally pulled into the driveway, I took a mental note of what was said and discussed. I looked down at my hands and wondered what I should start with. I decided to just stick to what I originally planned today which was doing yoga and cleaning.

However, the one thing that was nagging at me in the back of my head was writing and reading. One of the things I use to be able to do but ended up giving up. I wanted to get back into doing that.

When I walked back into the house I sat down and stared at the piece of paper for a long while until I finally got some inspiration.

This year I felt was going to be one of the best years for me. I had a lot going for me, a lot resting on my shoulders, and I felt that I could do better. In this case, I want to get back into myself, and no one else. I smiled while looking out of the window. I felt like it will be a great success.