Toe-Stepping

“Hi mom, did you see my email? My book was finally published! I’m officially an author!” I had my phone on speaker and stared intently down at the screen, waiting for a response.

“Hi Jasmine. Yes, I saw. Just so you know, I will not be buying your book.” The voice said. I stared at the phone for a moment. My heart was beating faster, and I could feel my hands and feet tingle and my head run cold.

“…Oh.” I eventually got out. I sat there for a moment, not knowing what to say. I knew from counselling that I was having a fight or flight response right now, and my urge was to throw my phone at the wall and run out of the house. I took a deep breath and continued.

“That hurts. I know you don’t agree with all of my decisions, and you can buy my book or not, but I feel like you’re reprimanding me for disagreeing with you.”

“I am not reprimanding you. Good for you for getting a book published. I need to go, we’ll talk later.”

The call ended and I sat at my desk for a few minutes, motionless. I stared out the window at the street and let my thoughts envelop me: dark clouds of pain, crowding an otherwise sunny day. Today was supposed to be an exciting, special day for me. But here I was, a traitor, having betrayed my family and their views. I laid my head down on the desk and let the sadness take over, frozen in pain.

I heard the door knock after what felt like hours, and I looked down at my watch. Seven minutes had passed since the phone call ended. I lifted my head, looked over at the mirror and faked a smile, then walked to the door. It was Leah, with her hair done up in a flawless messy bun, and her summer duds on.

“Oh, good Lord. Jas, what’s going on?” She placed her sunglasses atop her head and eyed me up and down. “You just had a book published… what the hell happened?”

She gave me a hug, and I sank into it. I pulled away after a moment and looked at her in the eyes.

“I just talked to my mom about my book...” I saw the immediate understanding and sadness in Leah’s eyes, and she gave me another hug.

“Girl, I’m so sorry. But listen,” she held me at arm’s length with resolution on her face, “we are going to get in my car, go for a drive, sing at the top of our lungs, and go grab some Thai food.” I smiled and nodded, grabbing my purse and following her lead.

The car ride was invigorating. The wind whipping by blew away the dark clouds and I could see the sun once more in my mind. I am a published author now. This is a huge deal. I’ve been working towards this for so long. Leah’s voice interrupted my daydreaming.

“So, I’m excited to read your book! I feel like you’ve been so hush-hush for the past couple of months. Tell me more about it!”

I was surprised to feel a knot in my stomach when she brought up my book. I thought I was so excited to finally have published this part of me, but instead I felt shame and regret. Wow, that brief conversation with my mom really did a number on me.

“It’s about my relationship with Eli, and the struggles leading up to that. Y’know, the back and forth with my family about how it was ‘wrong’ and against their beliefs. That whole…story…” I trailed off, feeling a wave of shame crash over me. I contemplated calling my agent and getting her to pull the book and cancel the publication deal.

“Oh, right! I can’t wait to read it!” Leah gushed. When I didn’t respond right away, she added: “I imagine that must have been a hard book to write. What do your parents think?”

And there it was. The question I dreaded. I didn’t want to talk about this anymore. It was too painful. The truth is, I had told both of my parents what the book was about, and they were furious. I assured them that it would not paint them or their beliefs in a negative light. In fact, I still shared much of the beliefs they held. Just…not this particular one.

I flashed back to when I first met Eli. I had never really known love until I began dating him. He was everything I had hoped for in a partner. Everything except for the religious aspect. I grew up believing in God, and he did not. Yet, he treated me better than any other ‘God-fearing’ man I had dated. He was kind, respectful, and was eager to dialogue with me about our different beliefs. We shared the same view of the world and pushed each other to be better and to treat others with love and respect. But despite all of this, my parents never approved. He would never be good enough for me, and they were afraid that he would ruin me or bring me down some dark and dreary path.

We had been together for four years, and my parents still hadn’t reached a point of accepting our relationship. I know that their concern came from a place of love, but it still weighed on me as a heavy burden. I struggled with their disapproval and disappointment for a solid two years. I went to counselling and sought advice from others who had walked this path before me. I learned resiliency and how to hold onto my faith and my love for myself and others. I learned how to look at others with grace and mercy, and to be an ally for others who faced similar situations.

Yet, the pain was still real. I still faced every conversation with my parents with hesitancy and fear of rejection. And now I had published a book about that very vulnerable aspect of my life. What was I thinking?

“You know, Leah,” I began. “They’re not interested in reading it at the moment. And honestly, that hurts, and I’m feeling pretty vulnerable right now. I think my book was a mistake… but I can’t tell if it really was or if I’m just being unkind to myself right now.”

Leah nodded, and turned into the parking lot of our favourite Thai food restaurant. She pulled into a spot and turned off the car, and then swivelled in her seat to face me.

“Jas, it’s okay to have those big feelings. You are authentic. You have to stand for what you stand for. And that’s something that people love about you. But sometimes that means you’ll step on people’s toes.”

“Yeah, but… is it worth the toes being stepped on?” I asked her.

“That’s a question that you have to answer for yourself. You have to hold onto the things that you value, and recognize that with vulnerability and hard decisions comes loss sometimes. But, it also comes with strength, and growth, and it encourages others who walk down similar paths.”

I smiled at Leah and nodded, silently. Standing up for myself was something that I was new to. Something that would take me time.

But the baby steps I've taken have brought me this far, and I can be proud of where I’m at, and excited about where I’m headed.

So, are my beliefs and values worth stepping on toes and making people uncomfortable? I’m still not sure, but I’m willing to figure that out.