It Get's Better

The stars had begun to fade in the wee hours of the desert morning. The deep blues of the sky and faded oranges of the sand sat juxtaposing each other in breathtaking ways while the wind still blew cool and dry.

A grizzled man rocked himself to the comforting sway of his horse and the rhythmic thud of hoof beats. This was his normal early morning ride. He enjoyed the quiet peace just before the dawn, before the unforgiving sun tore at his weathered, wrinkled skin.

In the distance stood a sun-bleached, solitary cottonwood tree. The silver-haired cowboy had seen this tree many-a-time on his rides through the area, but this time it looked different, misshapen. If the horse tied nearby wasn’t enough, there seemed to be something dangling from the branches and another figure nearly as big around as the trunk, itself, moving beneath it. He clicked his tongue and nudged at his beast’s flanks to pick up speed toward the strange sight.

The closer he got, the more he started to make out the figure of another person. It was a young man in leather and flannel, bandana around his neck, and chapeau turned sideways in the sand. The kid held a noose as he stood atop a rock a few feet from the ground.

This understanding caused the old man to pick up speed as he shouted, “Hyah!”

The horse sped to a full gallop toward the lone tree, quickly closing the distance. As the young man saw the swiftly approaching, sizable silhouette, he released a startled yelp and fell backwards, landing in the sand with a hearty thud!

The cowboy swung his horse around behind the stone to meet the boy before throwing a leg over and landing in the sand. This kid had dirt and dust coating his body from grueling travel. In fact, if it hadn’t of been for the grime on his face, the old man probably wouldn’t have seen the streaks down his cheeks from freshly fallen tears. This poor kid.

“Hey, youngblood! What the hell are ya doin’ out here?”

The young man looked shamefully at the hastily knotted rope still dangling from the branch.

The cowboy kicked some of the sand before clearing his throat, “Ahem, right. Stupid question. Come on, upsy daisy.”

He offered a hand, gripping the boy by the arm and pulling him to his feet. After the young man still hadn’t answered him, the old man took off his own hat and scratched the back of his head, “It takes an awful lot to drive a man to do what you were just about to…”

There was a grunt of acknowledgement, and the old man looked him up and down, taking stock of his weapons and equipment before he continued, “Now, I know a thing or two about regrets. So why don’t you untie your poor horse and let’s say you and I go for a ride and have a chat.”

The young man sputtered out a cough before backing up a few steps, “You really trying to talk me outta this?”

The cowboy shook his head, “No. I just said let’s talk. That’s all I want. You give me your last ride, your last words, and if by the end of it, you still wanna kick the bucket… I won’t stop ya.”

“You’re crazy, old man! I don’t even know your name!!”

“How rude of me,” he outstretched a leather gloved hand, “I’m Silas. And you?”

The boy took his hand with trepidation, “Austin-.”

“Nice to meetcha, Austin,” he leaned down with a pained grunt as he retrieved the boy’s toppled hat in the sand, “A feller’s not worth much out here without a proper hat. Keep this on that head of yours. I’ll do the same.”

The two matched movements as they replaced their chapeau’s upon their crowns.

“Now about that ride.”

The two of them saddled up and rode at a comfortable trot toward the horizon. They continued on silently for a good while before Austin spoke up, “So what do you know about regrets? And who says I got any?!”

Silas had just brought a flask to his lips before being startled by the sudden break of silence. After a sputtering cough, he said, “So we’re just jumping right into this, aren’t we? Well you did, by the way you just got all defensive like.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, old man. If ya got somethin’ to say then say it. I got places to be.”

Silas snorted a suppressed laugh, “Heh, no ya don’t, Mr. half-assed noose. And that’s Silas or Sir to you, youngblood. Call me old man again and I’ll shoot your big toe off.”

Austin frantically looked between his foot and the pistol on the man’s hip.

Silas grinned at his panic, “And yes, I am that good of a shot.”

“How?”

He adjusted himself in his saddle with a groan before saying, “Oh is it ‘life story’ time? Alright then.”

The two got comfortable in the cool shadow of the morning. Austin begrudgingly listened to Silas prattle on about nonsense before finally shouting, “What the hell does this have to do with me?!”

“Oh so it’s about you, ain’t it? Fancy that. I thought you wanted to know my life story.”

Austin groaned as he tore into a strip of poorly cured jerky, “I don’t see how this is supposed to help me. That’s what you’re tryin’ to do, right?”

“Well, I wanted to save the good part for the end, but it looks like I have an impatient audience. You’re an outlaw, right son?”

The young man jumped, “How’d you know?”

“I done seen one or two in my day… or ten. Maybe closer to a few dozen.”

Austin halted his horse, “What?! Who even are you? A deputy? Sheriff or somethin’?”

Silas huffed another chuckle, “Not even close. You done something you’re ashamed of right? Maybe you didnt write that girl back? Stole from some small town saloon? Or you shot down a man while his wife and kids watched? Maybe it’s just that you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

Silas never stopped pressing forward so Austin was forced to catch up as he replied, “Yea sure. Somethin’ like that. I’ve… I’ve done some horrible things. I’ve tried to forget and start over but I just… I can’t stop thinking about the looks on their faces when I-...”

When the boy couldn’t finish his thought, Silas nodded, “I see. Kid, we’ve all done horrible things we’re not proud of.”

“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!!” his voice cracked with a strained shout. The silence that followed the outburst was even more deafening.

Silas dipped his head as he responded, “I do understand, kid. I used to be an outlaw, myself. I committed horrible atrocities, things that would empty even the strongest of stomachs.”

Austin’s eyes grew wide, “Wait… Silas… You’re not Silas Montana are you?!”

The old man pointed his finger like a gun as his voice dropped, “Bingo. So the fact that you’ve heard of me is proof enough.”

“I thought you were killed!”

“Hoax.”

“Shot in the gut by a sheriff!”

“Hah! Even bigger hoax.”

“Then what happened to you?!”

Without missing a beat, Silas said with a smile in his tone, “I met a woman.”

“You’ve gotta be kidding me…”

There was such disappointment in this young man’s voice. So much so that it caused Silas to grip his stomach in the wildest of belly laughs.

He croaked, “Naw, it’s the truth, son! Nothing can tame a dangerous man quicker than a pretty lady with a soft hand, quick wit, and sharp tongue. And boy did mine have all four in spades!”

Austin raised an eyebrow at him, “You hung up your outlaw days… for a female?”

Silas winked, “Not just any female. This one kicked back better than any gun I’d ever fired and any horse I’ve ever shoed.”

“Well if she was so great, then why’d she choose someone like you?”

“You know, I’ve been asking myself that same question for years. By all means, I should never have had a chance, but hell if I didn’t try. She knew about who I had been, what I had done and it didn’t seem to bother her one bit. She said that it meant more that I make something of my future than who I was in my past.”

At this point, Austin seemed to be hanging on his every word. He asked, “So how did you get her, then?”

Silas chuckled, “You like a good love story, dontcha, kid?”

He passive aggressively pulled his horse a few feet away from the man, “Hell no! Shut up!... but... I figure a girl like that had to have suitors comin’ out her ears.”

The cowboy nodded, “And you’d be right. I was just the most persistent. I woke up every morning to wash my face and comb my hair so I could have breakfast at the Inn she worked at. I brought her her favorite flowers everyday. I’d hang around the bar at night to break up fights and keep her safe from any shit-stirrin’ perverts or depraved bastards that wanted somethin’ she wasn’t givin’.”

Austin scoffed, “Fixin’ your hair and pickin’ flowers? Sounds like some pansy shit to me.”

“Maybe. But none of the other guys were doin’ it. And she seemed to like it.”

“So you’re saying that stuff worked for her?”

He shrugged, “Son… Austin, listen. Ladies ain’t like men. You can’t win a girl’s heart doing the same stuff you’d do to impress a group of your buddies. But anyway, here I am givin’ courtin’ advice to a dead man.”

Austin hung his head, looking down at the reins in his hand, “No… Keep going.”

“Huh… You’re cute.”

“Geez, finish the story if you’re gonna finish it!”

“Alright, alright! Well I finally got her to agree to go riding with me. I took her to watch the sunset from my favorite plateau.” Silas caught Austin’s attention to give him a little eyebrow wiggle, “And we ended up watchin’ the sun rise too.”

“You sly bastard.”

“Oh her virtue stayed intact! I made sure of that, much to her disappointment… Asked her to marry me a week later, though.”

Austin showed the slightest bit of a soft smile, “And she said yes?”

“Pffftt! HELL no! Haha! She turned me down like a Lutheran preacher with black folk in his church service. Her own revenge for me not letting her have her way on that plateau. No, she made me wait a whole year.”

“A whole damn year? Shoot! I don’t know if I’d have the patience to wait that long.”

With a dreamy, far-off look in his eye, Silas heaved a raspy sigh, “When you find the desert rose, you don’t just leave it for the next traveller to pick. And when I tell you, she wasn’t just the rose, she was the whole oasis… And there I was, the fool wandering the desert alone without a canteen. She was everything I needed.”

Austin looked upon him in stunned silence. Seeing such emotion from a man he thought to be an outlaw of outlaws, “You sound like you really love her.”

Silas tilted his head in the boy’s direction and as the crow’s feet around his eyes crinkled into a smile, a tear fell, “Oh, I do.”

There was a moment of quiet understanding before Silas continued, “But like any outlaw who’d been at it as long as I had, my ghosts were bound to catch up with me, eventually. A shadow from my past finally found me. I’ve killed many men, and many… others. He was just a victim left behind due to my foolishness.”

Austin interrupted, “Because you didn’t kill him when you had the chance?”

Silas gravely shook his head, “No. I took someone precious from him. That night he stood over our bed, one gun trained on me, the other on my terrified wife. He said, ‘Dyin’ is too good for you. I wanted to wait ‘til you were happy then take it all away from you. I want to make you feel the way I felt when you took them from me,’ then he shot her. Right there in front of me, the love of my life bled out in my arms. And you know what the worst part was? It was my fault that she was dead! I might as well have been holding the gun!”

The boy shouted, “But you weren’t! You didn’t pull the trigger!-”

Silas’s voice was coarse, matching tones with him, “But I may as well have!”

Austin was silenced. This man was a complete stranger to him, but his raised voice still made him tremble.

Silas continued, “I have no one to blame but myself. My own hurtful, terrible actions were the cause of my wife’s death.”

Eventually the young man shook free of his stupor and hissed, “Why are you telling me this?! How is this supposed to help me?! Your wife is dead! This ain’t giving me any kind of hope!”

Silas calmed his voice as an old shack of a home grew visible around one of the plateaus, “I tell you all this to hopefully stop you from continuing down this road. Learn from my mistakes and stop making the same ones before they start catching up to you and any sort of happy life you could hope to lead.”

Austin growled back, disdain dripping from his words, “I coulda been done with it all with a lot less work if you hadn’t have interrupted me.”

Silas exclaimed, “So that’s it then?! You just gonna take the coward’s way out?”

“I ain’t no coward!!”

“Hah! Coulda fooled me!”

The wind blew past them, swirling the desert dust with it. As the sun crested over the horizon, it bathed the sea of sand and tumbleweeds before them in the most beautiful brushstrokes of light and color. It caught them off guard as they froze to witness it.

Eventually, Austin pointed out the approaching home, “This your place?”

“Yup. Not much, but we make it work.” Silas groaned, continuing, “What I’m trying to say… is you’re still young. You ain’t done near what I did when I hung up my hat and you’ve still got a lot of life you could live. I’m just hopin’ you don’t throw it away. Find you someone that makes you excited to wake up in the morning.”

Austin sighed, “I’d want nothing more than to have a family, a home. But I don’t know if I could survive it if it was all taken away from me like it was for you. How do you do it? Why do you still deal with it all?”

Silas smiled again and gazed ahead at the rickety porch, “Because I still have something worth livin’ for.”

Sitting on the steps, still in her nightdress was a little girl, no older than 10. Silas swung a leg off his horse with a grunt and just as his feet hit the ground, he was nearly knocked off of them as the girl came sprinting for him, jumping into his arms.

“Daddy! You’re back! I thought we were gonna have a morning ride together!”

With rough, gnarled fingers, Silas brushed her tangled bed head from her eyes and kissed the girl on her forehead, “I know. I’m sorry, sweet-pea. I needed to check on a friend. Why don’t you go set the table for our guest and we’ll have that ride this evening instead?”

The bright eyed, wild spirited girl looked to the stranger and waved, “He looks like you, Daddy. Only not old!”

Austin was halted by her bluntness and Silas looked at him with a soft laugh, “He kinda does, doesn’t he? Go on, now.”

Grabbing the reins of his horse, Silas’s eyes never left her as she skipped back into the modest home. Gaze steadfast, he spoke aloud, “I promise. It gets better. Maybe not right now, maybe not even a year from now,” he finally looked back at the puzzled boy, “but trust me. There’s so much more life out there for you to live. Don’t run away from it.”

Austin was dumbfounded, not knowing what to say, how to react, what to feel.

As he walked his horse to a homemade shed, Silas called out to him, “Now why don’t you come on inside while I make some breakfast?”

Austin slid off his horse and followed, “Wait, you mean it? You’re inviting me in?”

Silas pursed his lips and nodded, leading him up the steps, “Yeah, you’ve had a pretty rough morning already. The least I could do is feed ya.”

“Alright… thank you.”

The rising sun streamed in through the windows, bringing with it warmth and all of the wild sounds of morning. The table was already set with coffee being poured by the little lady of the house and apple slices on every plate. Silas threw slabs of meat into a sizzling cast iron skillet while calling over his shoulder, “Besides, the tree woulda snapped, anyway. You ever seen a desert-dried, dead tree before? Course ya haven’t. Hope you like bacon. We got plenty of it.”

The little girl rushed to her father’s side, “Can I have a big piece, Daddy?”

He ruffled her hair and smiled, “Sure ya can, sweet-pea.” as he looked past her to the dazed young man still standing in his doorway, he groaned, “Well take ya damn shoes off, go wash your hands and sit your ass down! This ain’t some saloon! Darlin, can ya show our guest to the washroom?”

“Sure I can! Come on, stranger!” the little one skipped up to the desert-weathered man and took him by the hand, “Phew! You’re stinky! You need a bath! Come on. Gotta be all clean for breakfast. It’s what Momma woulda wanted.”