Wish

As she was cleaning her desk, she found a faded paper that she has written last year. She always had a list of new year resolution- her mother said that to be successful she needs goals in lives to strive for and otherwise she would get lost, she always goals to strive for, as she is a strong, independent career woman.

The first on her list was that she should find a rich, handsome boyfriend.

She found one. A nice boyfriend with a good career and nice teeth, despite not liking him. Her parents like him, and that was enough for her. Never mind the fact that she is not attracted to him, what matters is that he could provide, unlike her good-for-nothing dad who is always out of job and hit her mother when he drinks. Never mind the fact that she had a gambling addiction and he refused to have sex with her, she merely had to tick marriage off her list and he seemed to do that well enough.

The second on her list was that she should get a raise in her career.

She worked in a prestigious accounting firm and she is about to be promoted as a senior associate. All her peers are amazed at how quick she shot up, amazed at how she seemed to got along well with all the higher-ups. Behind her back, they always say that she is nothing but the boss' pet. They hated her, she thinks, because they're jealous. So they left her alone during lunch and she was alone, working alone until the late night.

The third on her list was that she should be prettier.

Her boyfriend cares a lot about her looks and he was surrounded by beautiful girls all day long. With them all as competition, she decided that she would have plastic surgery to maker her nose thinner, her lips rosier and less plump and her eyes bigger. And she wanted to erase that double chin on her neck. She also wanted to lose a lot of weight, that seemed the fad these days, she couldn't afford to look like a loser and have her colleagues talking behind her back.

The fourth on her list was that she should get more followers in her social media and more friends of her kind.

She had met most of her friends through a professional get-together, women like her who knows they deserve the best. They dress classily and only talk about the most sophisticated of topics, they would eat steak dinners and take pictures to show the world just how perfect and seamless their lives are. To do this, she should educate herself on what they like and be more like them, so she wouldn't stuck out like a sore thumb and wouldn't be driven out by her own circle. They call themselves feminists, and talk about how men are pigs and nothing but cheating beasts, a slave to their whims and desires.

The fifth on her list was to purchase an expensive house and car

She bought them all with her credit card, she knew that she had a good job and the bank would evaluate her as a good borrower. Her mother would talk to everyone about how successful her child is, despite being small and awkward in high school and that she is proud of her. Her father would look at her proudly while her deadbeat brother would look at her with envy, wondering how she could be so gifted and perfect while he is not, despite having belittled her during their younger days. Her mother had picked every furniture and floor she was to use, that would fit her need and it suits her nicely. She loves being an obedient daughter that her mother is proud about.

Yet, as she was ticking off the lists of the new year resolution which she had written just last year, a horrible sense of unease sets in to her, she was deeply unhappy and she knew this was emptiness. She chided herself, telling herself that she should be happy that people would literally kill for her life and that it should be perfect and beautiful because her mother said so, and mothers are never wrong. And children should always listen to her parents and be a good, obedient child.

Tears began to fall from her eyes as she felt a sense of unimaginable hurt piercing her chest.

She pierced her new year resolution into shreds, tearing it apart. An unimaginable satisfaction bubbles in her chest as she does that- and she finds all her belief started to fall apart.

What was the thing that she actually wanted?

And she remembered that she always wanted to be an author, but her mother had looked at her with disappointed eyes whenever she mentioned it and had always said that it's good as a hobby but just not feasible. You don't want to end up like dad, right, she would say, pointing to her dad who had tried to be an artist but failed, and has been reduced to selling face portraits on the street. Her mother did not work that hard to make her fail like her dad too, and she wanted nothing but her success and happiness.

A twinge of guilt would appear in her heart whenever she saw her mother's tired back and dark circles and she told her she wanted to be an accountant instead, and watched her eyes twinkle. But every time her mother's approval came, she felt that she was losing more and more of herself.

Taking a deep breath, she begin to write a new set of new year resolution.

It was simple, just a single task.

Treasure yourself more. Be happy.

She knew, as she writes it, that she has achieved it. She has reclaimed herself that she had ignored for so long and that was the only one and true new year resolution she has ever written. 

She did it.