NY Resolution: How to be Cool 2024

Hi Both,

As the year draws to a close, it's that time again - time to jot down our resolutions. I'll be honest; I've never been too keen on this task. But this year, why not share my vision for a dazzling 2024 with you both?

Resolution 1: Unleash the New Me

Reinvent me entirely. How hard could it be? Isn't that what resolutions are all about?

Resolution 2: The Eternal Diet Struggle

Why is it that every New Year, I find myself chanting the same mantra - go on a diet? It's like my excess weight only becomes visible with the turning of the calendar.

Trying to shovel food in my mouth while cramming myself into my best jeans is never a winning combination. In the tropical heat, a crisp pair of stretch-cropped cotton jeans and a vibrant short-sleeved top are the epitome of style on a sunny Xmas Day. Yet, my battle to fit into those jeans becomes a saga. Knicker grippers make an appearance, threatening to vacuum the air out of my lungs.

Sweating and exhausted, I finally got the grippers on me; I tried to imagine what would happen if I had a traffic accident and ended up in A&E. Clearly, the only way the hospital staff could remove these torturous items would be with surgical scissors. Once the sweating had stopped and I was making a valiant effort to control my breathing, it was time to try again and prepare to haul on the clean cotton jeans. 

After a considerable struggle, the jeans came to a dead stop halfway up my thighs. The less-clean cotton jeans had met their nemesis halfway up my thighs. Fingers and thumbs battled against stubborn material, but my thighs staged a rebellion; the jeans fought back and began to cut viciously into my naked skin. I was shocked to discover that my stomach was not the only issue - when did my thighs balloon to such proportions? Surely, those festive treats weren't solely to blame. I never felt I was gorging myself; I honestly thought I was merely having a little treat now and again.

Removing the jeans proved as daunting as putting them on. Once the no longer crisp, clean jeans finally lay in a crinkled heap on the floor, a biting pain near my waist indicated the grip of those dreaded grippers. With sheer determination, I liberated myself and lay exhausted on my bed with my feet poking out from each leg of the grippers, knowing my ordeal was not yet complete. Struggling to sit up, squeezing my prodigious lower half to allow me to lean forward to my ankles, I found the only way to be rid of the damned things was to tread on the lycra and stretch and stretch until, finally, I was free of the torture knickers. How could I have seriously contemplated wearing them for at least eight hours? As I considered my naked figure in the mirror, I must admit I did realise that a bit of dieting wouldn't hurt, but nothing drastic!

Resolution 3: Leggings - The Saviour

Always keep a pair of black, elasticated leggings in my drawer. A diet is a grand idea, but the right clothes are crucial. Leggings, with their stretchy magic, can conquer even the trickiest areas. Thunder thighs? No problem. Xmas-laden belly? Just a minor hurdle. Super cool.

Resolution 4: Taming the Exercise Conundrum

Find stretching exercises that I can actually do! Choosing anything too exuberant is just plain silly. Anything too demanding will soon be removed from my daily routine - if I had one! Charlotte (or Chubs, as we affectionately call her) suggests lying on the floor near a wall or door, inverting legs upwards for support. Chubs swears by it and says no other exercise is ever needed. She says she usually has a book to read until she falls asleep with her legs still up against the wall.

Well, I tried it, my legs constantly sliding sideways. I spent more time trying to invert them up the wall than achieving what Chubs had described. Once I got them up the wall, it took a remarkably short time before my legs screamed, “Take me down, take me down”. (Quite honestly, Chubs is huge, and when I struggle to get my feet halfway up a wall, I think, is this effort really worth it?) Nah!!

Resolution 5: Financial Fitness

Learn to budget my money. If I could diet, think how much money I could save - no biscuits, cakes, ice cream, fancy coffees, sweets, and bid farewell to alcohol - wow, I’d be a millionaire!

Budgeting might even open the doors to liposuction! A chance to bid farewell to thigh fat and have my waist reinstated.  Instead of fat, I could be described as ‘curvaceous’. Those cotton jeans would slide on effortlessly, and I would no longer have painful, red-purple circles and bruising around my midsection. I’d win every clothes fight! Think, girl, not just slim and curvaceous (does that combination exist?), but my clothing is no longer stretched to breaking point coupled with ensuing pain and discomfort. Wow, by next year, I could look fantastic.

If I get the liposuction done, I could go to any of those 5-star hotels my city is awash with, as they all have the most fantastic puddings, cakes, chocolates, Christmas pudding, and ice creams. Yep, lipo must surely be the answer!

Resolution 6: Sober Curious Exploration

Become sober-curious. It sounds cool, right? Being a teetotaler is just embarrassing. The Group would never approve. We all drink - lots. To even hint at no longer drinking whilst trying to lose weight - well, The Group would just turn nasty. We have often sat in large groups, getting slowly squiffy and verbally attacking anyone we could think of who didn’t drink enough - they drank, but in the eyes of The Group - not enough. We're all about unity in likes and dislikes, but no alcohol? Unheard of.  No alcohol means you’re weird, and you certainly wouldn’t be welcomed by the Group. We’re very kind and understanding to those who are fat, those who don’t know how to apply their make-up correctly, and those who might not have as much disposable income as the rest of us - but not drinking alcohol would just be too weird!

So, sober-curious sounds super cool and is the perfect excuse. Also, when I fail and am found lying in a crumpled heap in a filthy gutter swimming in my vomit, there is absolutely no loss of face - I tell people I was previously sober-curious - and now my curiosity has been satiated. Hence, it will be fine to get back to everyday drinking with no harm done.

Resolution 7: The Word Games Challenge

If I’m going to be super cool (as I am), I must engage in daily battles with bloody Wordle and Spelling Bee. I’m useless at word games, but everyone else is doing it. The Group mandates solving within two or three attempts to be considered cool. Wordle gives six attempts to get the five-letter word - but the Group say three attempts only, or you’re useless and shouldn’t be doing Wordle. You can’t lie if you didn’t solve the puzzle quickly enough because the Group dissects the solution and the stages required, so they immediately know if anyone is fibbing.

Resolution 8: Embrace Fitness Trends 

Join the Group in Yoga and weight lifting. All The Group go to Yoga and weight lifting. I try everything I can to make them say they hate it, but some within the Group attend almost daily, and annoyingly, I am practically forced into saying how “good” they are looking. How do they all remember the poses? I am a perennial newbie. If I can’t keep an eye on the rest of the class to follow them, I won’t have a clue what I’m supposed to do. Amazingly, while I grimace at every movement, they look serene and elegant. 

Meditation is a struggle. I always fall into a deep sleep and fail to hear when we are told to sit up, back straight, and start those stupid breathing exercises. I only wake up when the loud laughter aimed at me finally breaks into my consciousness. 

Weightlifting was a disaster. I had visited one gym and asked for the beginners’ class, and the girl at the Reception Desk guided me upstairs and proudly opened the door to the ensuing class so I could scrutinise an ongoing class. 

I was confronted with an assembly of men—youthful, exuding vitality. Their physiques seemed to defy reality, boasting expansive chests, brawny arms, and waists so minuscule they could rival 'Mr. Incredible.' It dawned on me that the desired appearance for men and women must be as different as the North and South Poles. My fitness aspirations leaned towards achieving daintier breasts and slender arms—and I did not want to resemble the Herculean bodies the class male attendees proudly paraded. As far as I could ascertain, our only common ground was the pursuit of diminutive waists.

Most of the gym members also sported huge muscular thighs. Well, I already owned those ample thighs, albeit lacking the formidable muscle definition. Where on earth did these men buy their clothes? I should hang around and interview them. If I could get a pair of jeans to slide over my thighs, surely the waist would be big enough for two average-sized people.

Resolution 9: The Botox Adventure

Find an excellent face clinic and embrace Botox. I’ve put this off as long as I can, and Cynthia's results make me even more hesitant.

Cynthia spent a whole afternoon in an expensive clinic, having laser treatments and massages. She finished the entire treatment off with Botox injections administered to her upper and lower eyes. However, the end result was a noticeably prominent smoother forehead. Under the brow were the eyelids, possibly bereft of wrinkles but fighting with that bulging forehead for space to open. Her eyes, when we could see them, carried an expression of confused shock (something to do with the pain of the Botox needle). It took a while, but I slowly realised that she strongly resembled a male gorilla. It was that vast forehead! All the Group said she looked fantastic and said they would all book and get their eyes done. I waited for someone to burst out laughing and say, “I'd die if my forehead looked like that,” but they didn’t. 

I have been asked dozens of times when I would book for my Botox. I thought my eyes were OK, but since Cynthia had them done, it has given everyone the liberty to say how old and past my prime I am looking. If I find a decent clinic, I’ll have to keep it a secret, as I won’t want all the ‘gorilla foreheads’ using my clinic.

Resolution 10: A New Social Circle?

I’ve just had a coffee with the Group, and we shared our New Year’s Resolutions. Our resolutions don’t align, which is a problem. As Andrea said, we must all agree on all our 2024 goals, and she wants to receive our unified lists by the end of the day!

I went away feeling disappointed and began to question my proposed reinvention. Am I going in the right direction? The Group’s explicit goal seems to be that we will all be sitting in a cafe displaying our new gorilla brows, liposuctioned to a shadow of our usual selves whilst stuffing cakes and chocolate down our throats before putting on our elasticated leggings and hitting the Town, aiming to quaff as many alcoholic drinks as needed until nirvana is reached. Was this really the reinvention I had longed for?

Resolution for 2024:  Find a new group of friends who appreciate individuality.

Here's to a vibrant and diverse 2024!

Cheers from your loving sister

Pumpkin xx