Or Forever Hold Your Peace

“Speak now or forever hold your peace,” the priest said like he has a thousand times before. 

Nick peered into his lovely bride's eyes as sweat bubbled above his upper lip. He ran his hand through his jet-black hair and gave her a smile, but it looked like he was checking his teeth in the mirror for leftovers. 

A month ago, he called his family back home where he grew up. He hasn't seen them in over a year. “I have news,” he said. “I’m in love. We've known each other for eight months and we're getting married.” 

“Whhaaat” his mom wailed. “You can't do this. I've never met her.”

“Maaa, you will meet her at the groo—” he looked at his phone and tossed it on the bed. “It only took 30 seconds before she hung up,” he mumbled. 

When they did meet for the first time at the groom's dinner, by all accounts, it went well. Every time Nick looked over they were smiling and even sharing laughs. By the time the toast began, he felt good about his mother and bride-to-be, Calie. The microphone was passed around the packed table. One by one, each sibling, uncle, and parent gave their blessings, along with the generic, he was the best brother ever. They couldn't ask for a better daughter and the most standard one, they're perfect for each other. Until mom's turn – She took a drink of her rum, and with the help of her husband's arm, wobbled up to her feet. She grabbed the mic and tapped the grill. “Isss it on,” she wagged her finger at the two.  “D-d-don't you think you're moooving a little fassst?” She tossed the mic on the table and gingerly zig-zagged out of the dining hall. 

Nick stood at the altar with Calie's hands in his clammy palms. He hadn't talked to his mother since she stumbled out last night, and the weight of the silence was killing him. His hearing became supersonic and selective as he waited for everyone to hold their peace. Aunt Rosie unwrapping a stick of gum. Every clack of the shutter from the photographer and her young apprentice's shoe. It squeaked with every other step. It was like having Bozo the Clown at the ceremony. And one would think there was an epidemic going on with the amount of coughing that echoed throughout the chapel. With a cough-cough here, and a cough-cough there. Here a cough, there a cough, everywhere a cough-cough.

His ears perked up as Father John flipped a page from his notes. Finely he thought.

“Welcome,” he said with a cheerful smile. “We’re gathered here today—”

“I object!” his mother shouted. 

“Mom, this isn't court,” he said, never taking his eyes off Calie. With a nervous cackle, he whispered, “You may continue, Father John.”  

His mother stood up. “Well, whatever you call it, I'm doing it.” She stepped out of the pew. “I object, I resist, I can't accept.”

“Okay,” Father John said with a shaky smile.

“I don't think they should get married,” she said.

“Mom, what are you doing,” Nick said as he let go of Calie's hands. “Why do I try to appease you?” He looked at his bride-to-be, “I told you we should have eloped.”

“Nicky,” his mother said with raised eyebrows and her hands on her chest. “She told me last night that she has no job?”

“Yes, mom. She is in a transition period.”

“For five months.” She put her hands on her hips. “She also said she hates cooking, and your new house doesn't need a kitchen because she won't ever step foot in it.” She tilted her head, “Oh Nicky. You’re already too skinny,” she sniffled. “You will wither away.” She sat down and reached for a tissue.

“Well then, I object,” Calie's mom said as she stood up.

“For future reference – If anyone else stands up to speak, say I cannot hold my peace.” Father John put his hands together and looked up to the rafters. “Let's all pray that doesn't happen.”  

Calie's mom pointed at Nick “He's controlling and won't let her get a job.”

“Mom,” Calie screamed, “That's not true.” She looked at Nick and shrugged her shoulders, “I’m just going to tell them.” She looked out at the packed chapel. “We were saving this for a surprise for later.” She smiled, “I’m pregnant, and we decided I will stay home to raise our child.” She turned to her mom “Why do you think I’ve been wearing such baggy clothes?” She lifted her hands and pulled on her wedding dress “and this hideous moo-moo?” She then looked over at Nick's mom and chuckled “I was just kidding about the kitchen thing.”

Both moms looked at each other and walked to the middle of the aisle. Nick's mom grabbed Calie's mom's hand and turned to the audience “We're going to be Grandmas!” 

Everyone stood up from the pews and cheered.

With a grin, Father John said, “May we continue?” The chapel erupted with cautious laughter. The moms took their places in opposite pews as everyone took a seat. 

Nick looked at Calie and let out a much-needed exhale “You can go on with the service, father.” he said with a side-eye. 

“Thank you,” he looked up at the congregation. “If it's all right with the rest of you, I’m just going to skip the first part.” Sporadic laughter rang out from the pews. Nick took Calie’s hands into his as Father John continued, “We are gathered here today—-”

The entrance of the chapel slammed open. “I object,” a man with hair the color of a traffic cone yelled.

Father John's shoulders dropped “Maybe we should take a recess and regroup.”

“George?” Calie spat out. 

“Who the hell is George?” Nick asked.

“It's my dopey cousin.” 

“Calie, you, you can't marry this guy,” George shouted as he marched down the aisle.

“And why not?” she said with narrowed eyes. 

“Because I’m in love with you Sugar Pie, and I know you feel the same.”

Calie glanced at Nick. “I have no idea what he's talking about.”

Nick's best man, along with an usher, grabbed George and dragged him down the aisle. The whole way he yelled, “I love you! Don't do it! That baby is mine, not his. It's our love child, Sugar Pie.” The doors slammed, and the ushers stood guard so there would be no other interruptions.  

“Ladies and gentlemen,” Father John said with a sigh, “I've been doing this for over 30 years, and I can safely say I have never seen anything like this.” He looked at Nick and Calie, “Do you both want to continue?”

“Yes,” they said with unity.

“Ok, but I'm going to jump to the ending and hopefully the happily-ever-after part.” The best man returned to the line-up, and Father John said, “ Thank you for the help young man, now may we have the rings?” 

“Sure,” he said as he began to pat down his pockets. “Um,” a few more pats, “um.” 

Father John's left eye began to twitch. “Are you serious?”

“Inside pocket,” Nick whispered.

“Oh, that's right” he reached in and pulled out two bands. He winked at Nick and dropped them in his hand. 

“Calie, do you take this man to be your husband?”

“I do.”

Nick, do you take this woman to be your wife?”

“I do.”

“Phewwwwww,” Father John let out as he wiped his forehead. “I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.”

Nick puckered up and leaned in. “What the hell?” He lifted his foot, ”My sock is all wet.”

“AHHHHH, my water broke,” Calie screamed.   

The priest slapped his hand on top of his head “Can someone call an ambulance?” He reached into the podium and lifted up a bottle of communion wine. “Anyone else need a relaxer?”

“Ahhhh,” Calie collapsed to the ground, “I think it's coming!”

The priest took a drink and pointed, “The paramedics are here, or should I say speedamedics.” He took another drink and looked around the room. “Get it?” 

The ushers let the first responders enter, and with all the commotion George weaseled his way back in.  

“It's– Ahhhh– coming out!” 

The paramedics arrived at her side “What's your name?”

“Calieeeeeeee–eee.”

“Ok, Calie, we can’t stop it, so go ahead and push,” he said as he slid on surgical gloves. “Push!”

“Eeeee–eeeee—ahaaa, I can't push anymore,” she groaned.

“Got it” the paramedic lifted the newborn for everyone to see. “It's a girl.”   

The priest took a swig and handed the bottle to Nick. “That's the second brightest orange head of hair I've ever seen.

“I told you it was mine,” George said. He looked at Calie, “Let's name her Georgetta.”

The priest snagged the bottle from the stoned-faced groom and chugged down the rest. “There's more over here if anyone wants any,” he said as he sauntered to a confessional booth. “I'll be in here if anybody wants to confess anything.” He opened the door. “Oh, and I think this would be a good time to announce my retirement. Cheers!”