Resigned

Frederick Tuftman

Resignation Letter

August 23, 2023

Barbara McGraw, Head of Human Resources

Crane Industries 

3425 Industrial Way, Mooreville, West Virginia 

(503) 555-8240

To Whom It May Concern, 

And, we all know, this concerns everyone. So feel free to share this via group email, or I would really recommend a PowerPoint presentation where you can add photos and music. That’s a great idea. (Do they ever end with me? No, they don’t.) I’d recommend Laura in Business Affairs handle it. She’s the best with this type of thing, and my exit deserves nothing less than the best, as I’m sure we would all agree upon. 

I would like to formally announce my last day of employment with Crane Industries to occur on Friday, September 8, 2023. This should allow ample time for the Party Planning Committee to arrange the catering and entertainment for my Farewell Luncheon. (I’m looking at you, Debbie. Don’t skimp on the hors d’eouerves like you did at Becky’s Baby Shower.) 

I have given longer than the customary two weeks notice in order to be fully appreciated for my time here. Also, Jeff in Accounting won’t be back from vacation until the last Thursday of August and he will want to know and prepare for my departure. He still owes me lunch from that time in 2021 he lost his credit card for three days. I bought him a Philly Cheesesteak with everything, a Diet Coke, and a side of curly fries. I have the receipt should it be needed. This should also be plenty of time for Sue to pick out a large card for everyone to sign with their favorite memories of working with me. And Sue, don’t add cash to the card from everyone. Take a collection then include a variety of Gift Cards to my favorite local restaurants. Gerry will know which ones. I’ve told her all of my favorites over the years. 

It has been a pleasure to work for such a company as Crane Industries. Though, the pleasure has all been yours, I’m most sure. Never has an employee been early for work three years in a row, without so much as a sick day taken. Neither stomach bug nor flu could hold me back. (Sorry again about your desk, Ronnie. You really should request an area further away from the bathrooms.) 

My greatest contributions, however, will be the legacy I leave in aesthetic efforts for the betterment of the company. The Frederick Tuftman Nature Reserve, located between the parking lot and front door, has grown exponentially in size and beauty over the years. Once the Placard was installed, I personally planted 8 Gerber Daisies. And when they died (they’re so temperamental - like Marcy in Finance. Don’t invite her to the Farewell Luncheon), I replaced them immediately with plastic ones that can’t die. Then came the gnomes, plastic ferns, and bird bath. And being the clever man that I am, I had the foresight to drill holes in the bird bath so as to not collect water and attract birds and their messes. Terribly dirty creatures, birds. 

And now the moment of clarity, the moment I reveal the reason for my untimely and unexpected departure from those who love me so dearly at Crane. When I was a child, my parents revealed to me that I was, in fact, “gifted”. It’s not something I share often, as it serves only to intimidate others. They avoid me, refrain from inviting me to social gatherings, and block my number from their phones. I fear my secret has been revealed here at Crane. There can be no other explanation for the repeated attempts of avoidance. It has happened at my last five places of employment, so it really comes as little surprise that alas, it has happened again. My brain is my cross to bear. I’ve learned that filing discrimination suits against my employers and coworkers will not resolve anything. It is always best that I instead find new employment. And, I do have to say, my employers have always provided recommendations of my skills and abilities that glow brighter than a super moon on a warm summer’s night. It’s as if they are so extremely torn by my decision to leave, that they do everything in their power to secure alternate employment for me. 

And now, upon my leave, I would like to bestow my heartfelt thanks to several coworkers. Dave, in Accounts Receiving, always found time to compliment my hair when I had it cut. I know everyone else noticed, but Dave was the only one not jealous enough to tell me how fantastic I looked. 

Cindy, in Local Sales, shared her milk in the employee lounge for my coffee every day. She didn’t know it, but now she does. 

Frannie at Reception always forwarded my calls, even when the person claimed they were on vacation or out of office. We always got them eventually, didn’t we Frannie? 

And finally, Lou in Maintenance. Every time my ID badge glitched and wouldn’t let me into the building (which was quite often- someone really needs to fix the main door), Lou would set down his mop, shake his head in frustration that he had to let me in again, and come to my rescue. 

As I read once at a restaurant exit, “parting is such sweet sorrow” (credit Applebees), but the time has come for me to move on and forge a new path. I have no doubt my skills, experience, and abilities will be more than appreciated elsewhere. I offer my condolences to you, my colleagues, at your loss. You will never again have the extreme fortune of working with a truly Gifted Individual, as evidenced by the report my mother has in a file somewhere. You will continue on at Crane, but your lives will be lacking in many ways. There will be a dark void where I had once provided light. 

I do invite all of you to reach out at any time and communicate with me. I hold no grudges, I burn no bridges. You cannot be held to blame for your natural instinct to fear the most intellectually superior amongst the group. It’s science. 

My transition out of the company will not be easy, but I have faith in you, my former colleagues. I suggest Covered Dish Wednesday be moved to Monday the 11th to give everyone a reason to go in knowing I’ll be gone. 

Most Sincerely, 

Frederick Tuftman