March 2020 Diary

*WARNING* This is my ACTUAL diary from March 2020. There are very vulgar language and extremely sensitive topics. PLEASE do not read if you are easily triggered or quickly offended!

March 19, 2020

I ran away from home today. I just couldn’t take it anymore. My once partially functional family thrown into darkness and chaos by my alcoholic, drug-abusing, pedophilic father. I shouldn’t even call him that. My sperm donor. Sent to jail on 4 different federal charges; one for abusing my siblings and me, one for giving alcohol to my 15-year-old sister, one for giving drugs to my 15-year-old sister, and one for sexually molesting my 15-year-old sister. That nasty, vile, no good, terrible man that ruined our lives. I don’t know why, but my mother placed all the responsibility on me. Cleaning? Me. Cooking? Me. Shopping? Me. Making sure my 9-year-old autistic brother did his homework? Me. Keeping my sister’s grades up? Me. Being a full-time college student? Me. Keeping up the appearance that everything was normal? Me. 

I couldn’t do it. No matter how many times I tried to tell my mom this, she ignored me. So I ran away. I’m moving in with my boyfriend and his family. Maybe they can be the family I always wished I had. I’m scared though. What if they, like my own family, don’t accept me? What if they make fun of me too? What if they expect me to carry them like I have my family? And then there’s the fear of my mother. Where I live there’s nothing they can legally do to keep me from running away. There’s no way to force me back home. But, knowing my manipulative mother, she’ll find a way. I feel so alone, so forsaken.

March 20, 2020

My mother is officially psychotic. I was right, she did find a way. She kidnapped me. Yesterday, when my boyfriend and I met up with her to get my personal information, she, along with my grandmother and her friend, forced us into her car. They claimed they were driving us back to my boyfriend’s home. They didn’t. They drove me to the emergency room. They forced me in with help from a police officer by saying that I was suicidal. 

Mom took away my phone this morning. Or, at least, I suspect she did. I slept with it under my pillow but when I woke up it was gone. I tore the entire room apart and it’s not here. I was afraid of this. I know what comes next. I desperately don’t want to. She’ll take away all of my privileges. I won’t even be allowed a quiet space to do my school work, even though it’s all online. I don’t want to be here. I want to leave. I can’t though. I have no way of contacting anyone. I don’t know what to do.

March 21, 2020

I knew it was going to be bad but I never thought it would be this bad. In the past two days, my mother has moved me from house to house to house, keeping me disoriented. I don’t know where I am. I don’t even know what town I’m in. I don’t know whose house this is. I have no rights. I can’t even go outside to walk the dog. I’m not allowed to do my classwork unless she’s over my shoulder the entire time. I can barely get any classwork done. If I don’t get out of here soon I’m going to fail my classes.

I have no doubt in my mind that my boyfriend is beside himself in worry. How could he not be? The person he loves was ripped away from him and shoved into the emergency room kicking and screaming and hasn’t talked to him since. I feel so bad for him. I just want to be able to let him know that I’m okay. Mom won’t even let me do that though. She still claims that I lost my phone. I didn’t. I know where it is. It’s in the lockbox that she carries around with us. I’m so scared. I don’t know what’s going on. This COVID thing keeps getting worse and I’m so scared one of my friends is going to get sick. The only thing I’ve heard from the news is that people are dying. I’m terrified I’ll never get the chance to talk to my boyfriend again.

March 22, 2020

Mom took away even more privileges today. I’m not even allowed any books anymore. I don’t know what she thinks she’s doing but she’s going to drive me insane. I don’t want to do this anymore. We keep moving from house to house and I still have no clue where I am. I’m seriously contemplating jumping off the roof at this point. I know it won’t kill me but maybe I can at least get some help if I can talk to someone. Honestly, I’m lucky my mom let me have tampons. She was debating on whether or not to give them to me. This isn’t living. This is torture. There’s no way this is legal. Someone get me out of here.

My mom has both my siblings under her “I just love you” spell. I see through it. I’m the only one who sees through it. It makes me feel like I’m crazy. Why can nobody else see what she’s doing? I’m made out to be the bad guy but she’s the one holding me hostage. The only hope I have left is that maybe I can get back to my mom’s house and grab my old, busted-up kindle fire. Maybe I can just let my boyfriend know I’m okay. I hope I can let him know I’m okay.

March 23, 2020

I did it. I convinced my mom to let me grab some clothes from her house and I grabbed my kindle. I just have to figure out how to snag a charger. God, if I get caught I’m dead. I wouldn’t put it past my mom. She’s already kidnapped me and held me hostage. I’m terrified but I’d rather die knowing that I tried than stay here any longer.

Mom still won’t let me go outside. I’m starting to get headaches from lack of fresh air. I’m so worried that it’s COVID. If it is, I can’t get my boyfriend to come to pick me up again. His mom is at an increased risk. I would never forgive myself if my recklessness killed his mom. I just want to go. I want to leave. Please, for the love of all that is holy, let my kindle still work.

March 24, 2020

I grabbed a charger. I did it. I have to charge my kindle in 5-minute bursts so that nobody notices that it’s missing but I did it. Thankfully, there’s a charger under the bed and my mom has no reason to suspect I have my kindle. I’ve been shoving it up between the support boards of the bed so that, even if she does look, she won’t see it. I’m still absolutely terrified of getting caught. I just pray that the kindle still turns on. I haven’t used it in years so  I wouldn’t be surprised if it doesn’t. 

If this doesn’t work I have no clue what I’m going to do. I can’t do this anymore. I’m going insane. I have no clue where I am, who I'm with, or what’s going on. I have no contact with the outside world and this virus keeps getting worse. I’m terrified.

March 25, 2020

IT WORKED. Oh, thank god. It turned on. I feel like crying. I want to scream. I am so unbelievably happy. Yet, I know that that was the easiest part. I have to find some way to contact my boyfriend. I’ve tried like three different apps that are supposed to send text messages but he hasn’t replied to any of them. I don’t even know what to try next. Snapchat isn’t available because it’s such an old tablet. Instagram isn’t available either. I’m going to try the browser version of Instagram but, if I’m correct, you can’t send direct messages through it. I just want him to see that I was online.

The only thing that is keeping me sane is the hope that I can get out. I don’t know how kidnapped girls survive years like this. If I have to spend much longer in this state I might actually contemplate death.

March 26, 2020

Fuck this shit. I can’t even sign into my Instagram account on the web browser because I have 2 step verification enabled. Why do I have to be so paranoid about being hacked? I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to try. I just can't stay here any longer. 

On top of everything, I think I might be pregnant. I don’t know why else I would be having such weird cravings and food aversions. I don’t know what to do. I CAN'T tell my mom. She’ll just say my boyfriend raped me and I’ll NEVER see him again.

March 27, 2020

I FIGURED IT OUT. I have an old burner Instagram account I created back in middle school that, for some reason, I didn’t delete. There’s not an option to direct messages but I tagged my boyfriend in a comment. I just hope to God he doesn’t think it’s some spam.

I’m almost for sure pregnant. I don’t want this baby though. I don’t want to be a teen parent. My mom was a teen parent. I don’t want to be anything like my mom. I don’t know what to do. I still can’t tell my mom or ask her to get me a test. I’m still not supposed to have any contact with the outside world so I can’t ask one of my friends. I have to get out of this goddamn situation.

March 28, 2020

HE. REPLIED. OH MY GOD, HE REPLIED. I’m getting out of here. I’m literally going to cry. I haven’t told him about my suspicion because I think I might just be overreacting. I hope to god I am. We’re already working out a way to figure out where I am so he can come to get me. THANK GOD.

March 29, 2020

He’s coming to pick me up on the second. Mom almost caught me texting him but I was able to hide the kindle on the back of the canvas I was allowed to paint on. I’m getting out of here. Thank the dear lord baby Jesus. 

March 30, 2020

We’re back at my mom’s house finally. My brother was able to convince her that he needed his friends and, because he’s only 9, she agreed. I’m still not allowed outside although at least her school restrictions are relaxing a little. I’m getting out of here soon. Only a few more days.

March 31, 2020

Two more days. Two more days. That’s the only thing keeping me alive. Just two more days.

April 1, 2020

I told my boyfriend about the baby today. I think he thinks it’s an April fools day prank. It’s DEFINITELY not. I’m just going to tell him to pick up a test tomorrow. GOD, IT'S TOMORROW! Finally.

April 2, 2020

Finally, I’m out of that psychotic house. My boyfriend picked up a test for me today…. It was positive… I don’t want to keep the baby but I don’t want to get rid of it. It’s bad but I’m already sort of attached to it.

It turns out, I have severe PTSD from my parents. I can’t pick up a glass or hear a loud noise without feeling like I’m going to be hit. I’m so scared all of the time. But, at least I’m out of that goddamn house. I am NEVER going back there again.

April 3, 2020

I woke up this morning and, for a second, I forgot where I was. I forgot I was safe. But then I went to move and my boyfriend’s arms were around me. I am the happiest I have ever been. I have a will to live again. I forgot what it was like to have a will to live. I think I’m going to keep the baby. It’s not going to be a perfect situation but there is no way I will ever be like my mother.

I have a really bad secret though. I had a dream last night that I was married to a girl and I was REALLY happy. I was honestly a little disappointed when I rolled over to see my boyfriend… I think I might be gay. And pregnant. Shit.

April 4, 2020

Well, I guess I don’t need to worry about being gay… well, I guess not? I don’t know. I’m so confused. My boyfriend, or should I say girlfriend, came out to me as transgender yesterday… I’m just so confused. I went from being the straight, “normal”, innocent girl to being gay, in a confusing ass relationship and teen mom girl. A month ago I had never even had my first kiss… How has so much changed?

April 5, 2020

I went to the OBGYN today. I’m 100% pregnant. Yay. I guess. I still have mixed feelings about this. My girlfriend is starting hormones next week. Yay for her. I think. I don’t know. How, in one month, did my life become so confusing? At least I knew what every day was going to be like before my father went to prison: get hit, go to school, pretend like I had a normal life, go home, do all the chores and all my homework, cook, get ridiculed and made fun of relentlessly, get hit again, go to bed. Now? I don’t even know what tomorrow is going to look like. Who even am I anymore?