If only

Trigger warnings: suicide, self harm, drug use

Evan parked outside Alexandra’s house and rang her doorbell. No one answered the door. He rang it 3 more times, his panic rising with every minute that passed. He called her cellphone continuously and had no better luck. He lifted her doormat and found the emergency key she kept there. Entering her home, he spent 15 minutes making sure that she was not there, and then finally placed a call to the police. And then, he got into his yellow Toyota sedan and drove off, hoping to find her before it was too late.

Alexandra stepped on the accelerator. She had to get it over with this time, it had gone on for way too long. It was dark outside, and the wind was howling. It was as though nature could read her mind, and it was freaking her a little, although it was not enough to make her change her mind. Taking a sharp left through the trees, she arrived at her location. It was a beautiful clifftop overlooking a lake nearly 200 feet below. It was a clear night, and Alexandra could see the stars twinkling down at her, and a sliver of the moon off to the right. There was an amicable silence, occasionally interrupted by the chirps of birds. For a moment, she actually regretted letting things get so bad. She replayed the moment when it had all begun, when she had been a naïve teenager and had done heroin with her then-boyfriend in her backyard. When she realized what she had done, she broke up with that boyfriend, but could not break out of the addiction that easily. Money was not a problem since her parents were fairly wealthy, and she could afford to obtain her supply, but she couldn’t afford to lose her parents' high opinion of her. And so, she moved out of her parents’ house, having told everyone she knew she was off to college. It was while she lived alone that she had met Malcolm, and he was the best thing to have happened to her. For a while, it seemed that she could finally get her life back on track. They lasted 3 months; he had found her collapsed in the bathroom and had called an ambulance, made sure she was okay, and had left. Then came the spiral of depression, which never stopped.

A cool breeze brought her out of her musing and back to the present moment. She pushed up her sleeves and lightly traced her fingers over the scars that laced her skin, feeling an overwhelming sense of helplessness and guilt. Here she was, all alone. No one cared about her, no one knew what she was going through, and it was all okay because it would all end today. Alexandra was at the very edge of the cliff now, and she could see the stars in the water below. It was only her, in this moment. She searched for her phone, only to realize it was missing. Oh well, no one contacted her anyway. There was nothing left for her but to just do it.

Stuck in her own head, this was not the first time she had tried to take her own life. A few days after Evan had left, she had hit her absolute lowest point. The cuts on her arms were not nearly as deep as she had wanted them to go, and in a sudden peak of rage, she pressed deeper until the stream of blood became steady and spilled out onto the floor. She watched with fascination as her blood coated the tiles and stained her carpet, and as a last thought, texted Evan: I need your help right now.

She awoke in the hospital, yet again. It felt like déjà vu- a disappointed Evan making sure she was okay, and then leaving. It was the last time it would ever be like this.

No one would come to get her this time. No one could save her. And with that last thought, Alexandra stepped off the edge of the cliff.

Evan downloaded an app to track Alexandra’s phone, but it did not lead him anywhere. He contacted all the hospitals in the area to ask if anyone matching her description has been brought in that night. And now he was at a loss so as to what to do.

Her entire life flashed before her eyes. She had always imagined that death would be a quick and easy process, but it seemed that it was not so. Uncalled for, she remembered the time her father bought her a pony for her sixth birthday. It was the happiest she had ever been. She remembered when she had gone apple picking with her family and met a family of ducks. She remembered the way she felt when she had first met Evan. She tried to block out the memories, but they kept flooding out. All the sleepovers and birthday parties she had been to, and the time she made a painting that was displayed in the entrance archway of her school. The speech she had made for a Model United Nations conference that had earned her a standing ovation, and all the Halloweens she had spent stealing candy from her brother. And suddenly, she wanted back in. She had forgotten what it was to have felt this way. To be hopeful and happy and look forward to another day. The surface of the lake was fast approaching, and all she wanted to do was not reach the bottom. She opened her mouth to scream, to ask for another chance-

10 days later

Evan parked his car and stepped into the precinct. He had received a call the previous day. They had found her car parked in the middle of the woods and had found his number on the phone they found in the back seat.

“Mr. Parker”, called an officer, “Would you step this way please?”

“What is this regarding?”, Evan asked.

“A body has been found; will you be able to identify the missing girl on sight?”

Evan nodded sharply, not believing that he would see anyone he recognized, until he saw her face.