Chicken and Ice Cream

“Just… worthless.” He says.

Decisions have repercussions.

           I pass the salt trying to keep my eyes dry. Foolish, he knows I don’t have allergies. The lie settles into my chest and I lick my lips free of butter and crumbs. He can see the flushed cheeks and the way his words cut deeper than any knife. The truth is I’m worthless… Heart pounding into my chest, keep it together for the kids.

           I watch them mindlessly plunging roasted chicken and veggies down their throats. Allie talks of soccer and my little sort nothing but game characters. With the hope of laughter, I hold back my pain.

           Flicking his fork away “are you going to answer?” West says, eyes flinching to the kids as we calmly argue. Trying to hid the truth that is our marriage is over. 

Why did I even make dinner? I lay my hands down rubbing the old oak table. My grandmother's table, a gift for our wedding. Beautiful red and carved with maple leaves. Allie’s blonde curls bounce as she slily gives the dog her carrots. I look away back to West. I’m raising good kids, and I made a decent dinner.

           My Eyebrow raised in full concentration, peer into his own that twitch as I bite into my chicken.

the blue shirt ripples as stiffens he pumps up his chest. Gulping down his venom, he picked his words carefully. His intend not misplaced, but the truth was I’m only worthless to him. “Just… answer.”

“West, not now.” I sneer and blink back my anger but the kids do nothing if they noticed at all they are better liars than myself. They would get that from my mother, she is the master. They have no idea; their lives might change.

           West tapped his fingers against the tabled. Eyes widen as they analyzing me, waiting for a better response. I’m just another one of his research projects. There wasn’t a logical response to something this emotional.

I wipe my face clean and smile, putting up a shield before my heart. “I am not worthless.”

Wests rolled his head back, hands smacking his leg. “No not that, you know what I meant” His anger catching Sport's attention. Of course, I know but I’m not answering. I’m not going to tear my family apart, not at the dinner table.

I stand, “Who wants ice cream,” I Say picking up my plate.

           The kids jump up agreeing their smiles and laughing drowning out West as he called me back to the dining room. every word curled my blood. I didn’t want to answer that question, No, not yet. Was his question worth my wretched pain?

           I’ve lived in town my entire life and in this house half of that. The old kitchen smelt of rosemary and honey, just like it did when grandma lived here. Cold tile nibbled at my heels as I tiptoe over the dog as he begged for scraps. Picking at the lemon chicken West favorite; I toss it to the floor. I wanted this dinner to fix our argument, of course, it didn’t. now it's dog scraps, and so is our marriage. West wants the answer I couldn’t give him last night or ever.

           I felt the tears threatening to escape, I shudder pulling out the ice cream nothing some old-fashioned chocolate can’t fix. If dinner didn’t this will.

I could still feel the sicky sweet chill of ice on my cheek all these years ago. Our first kiss at Pops diner, there isn’t much to do in this small town. In our youth we spent almost every weekend in the lime green corner booth, we even shared our first argument.

West was so passionate about his argument he raved spitting ice cream in my face. Cold and running down my jaw and into a pool of saliva. Wide eyes full of embarrassment and regret, he swiftly pulled me into warm kisses as he apologized. I would have forgotten all about it if he didn’t hold me so tight and kindly and then licked my face, I struggled kicked, and begged, laughing but he held tighter, licking until every drop of ice cream was gone. It was the best and worst experience I’ve ever had with rainbow sherbet.

           The bowls cluttered to the table; I strike away sticky hands. “Settle down you animals.” I laugh. Handing West the container. Our eye met only with a frozen abhorrence. I look away, the ice didn’t work either.

           Should I just surrender and let this argument truly be the fall of our marriage?

I settle into my chair and play with my ice cream. Keeping my tears inside and fanning my mother’s famous thanksgiving smile. I would love my uncle’s indecent drunk jokes right about now.

           “So.” West words cut me. He never rests. “Your answer.”

I perk up, keeping my smile. “Remember when you got ice cream all over my face. And though the right answer was to lick it off.”  

           I reach out for his hand, he cups mine. “Your answer.” Voice firm, cold as the dessert before me. I yank my hand away elbowing the bowl flung it into my lap.

I stand “fuck-cold cold col.” I jump about, hastily graving a napkin, kicking away the dog as he tries to lick up the spilled cream. “Fuck-Stop.” I snap.

“Mommy said a bad word.” Sport points at me.

Allie coving her ears “Mom!”

The ice cream sinking deep into the fabric soaking into my stomach, numbing my skin.

 West bent down pulling the dog away. “For god’s sakes.”

I hastily try to clean my dress, “you want my answer.” I yell tossing the worthless rag at him. He whipped back up tossing it back. “No okay, no.”

“You are just being emotional.” He stood.

Emotional… his question was stupid. Why should I have to decide my family's entire life? Why do I have to give him an answer that has no right decision? I don’t want to move. I love my house. I love this town. 

 “You’re stupid.” I stomp.

Eyes twitching, he reached out for me but I stomp towards the kitchen. Leaving the mess behind me, the kids shouting at West their angel voices asking questions I already knew.

“Dad.”

“Dad, what happing?” 

“Dad! what’s wrong with mommy.”

“Dad!”

My chest seized up, cupping my heart, and curled over the counter. Pushing away tears. My legs began to wobble I hold tight and I knew better than to shout with the kids around. Why can’t I be better?

           What’s wrong with liking the simple life.

blood pulsing faster I try to breathe through the pain that pooled inside my head. I focus on every breath trying to regain my balance. Was his curiosity worth this mess?

I grip the counter tighter. He's going to leave me. I just know it. I could feel his heart and the anger that encases it. I hurt him today. I turn my head over my shoulder.

 Through the archway I see West bent down with a towel trying to talk the kids down. aged, with gray hair and laugh lines but still the blue-eyed boy that shined his light on me. I want to stay, But New York is so far away and a bigger life than I ever wanted.

           Without him, I never want that. Can’t he see that decisions have repercussions, and I’m just one step away from truly being without him or a home? Is his job worth this pain?

I hold my breath and shake away my tears, cleaning the kitchen I hear the tv turn on.

           Spinning I see West rest against the arch.

I sigh, “the kids?”

He stepped into the kitchen, “Cartoons, and you're grounded.”

           I lift a brow tossing the sponge in the sink. “Am I?”

Leaning against the counter his eyes kept to the tile forget to look into mine. “I guess Nate will be happy.”

I slid beside him, just shy of touching him, I couldn’t not until I know it won’t be the last. “Happy? Why will Nate be happy?”

Blue eyes snap to me, unsteady as a thunderstorm. “He’ll get to job if I turn it down.”

I brush away invisible dust along my brow line. Trying to hide the sudden stop in my chest, “Oh…” fingers tremble. “you’ll stay then?”

 The lines between his eyes deepen. “Stay, well they don’t want to fire me just promote me.”

           My lips press tight, my heart snapping against the wait of everything that went unsaid. We’re not getting a divorce and we probably never were. I curl into his chest. West wrapped one had around me. “Okay, love you.” I choked on my words.  

“I can’t believe it took you that long to think about it.” He kissed my skull.

           I keep my head still unable to move would be death, every move I make only brings me closer to tears. “You know me.”

 “Yeah, I do and you love this town I thought it be an instant no, but honestly babe a whole week I almost shit myself thinking you say yes.”

“Really.”

“Yeah New York, is no place for us townies.”

“Is that why you wouldn’t let up on wanting an answer.”

He let out a soft laugh and kissed me again. “Yeah, sorry about that but you’re scary.”

           I hold my breath and let his warmth smother me. "This fight was Scary."

"No," he says, "This fight was worthless."