I sat on the porch and stared out into the sea.
It looked calm and chaotic, as if there was both nothing and everything in it.
I walked down towards the dark blue array and stepped on a broken shell, causing a cut on my foot.
An echo from the back of my mind shouted, "Hey, are you okay?"
I turned around to see a guy with a concerned look on his face.
"Yes, thanks. I just have a little cut," I said.
"You should go back and wash it," he suggested.
I smiled and when I was about to walk away, he asked, "Where are you staying? Do you need help with your things?"
"Oh no, it's okay. Thank you for the offer," I answered.
He nodded and went on his way.
I was on my way a couple of steps back when it stung a bit so I stopped and put down my bag.
"Don't worry, I'm harmless," he said before picking up my white canvas tote to dust off the sand.
I looked up to him and laughed, "No, I didn't mean that."
He smirked and held out his hand.
I took it and said, "Thank you."
We continued walking and he introduced, "My name is Ocean."
"Huh. You surround me," I joked.
"What?"
"Nice to meet you, Ocean. I'm Isla," I said.
He tilted his head and asked, "Island?"
I nodded and chuckled.
"Where exactly are we heading?" he wondered.
"Here is my cottage, thanks again, Ocean," I said.
"No problem, Isla," he smiled and turned around.
I was walking up the stairs when he asked me, "If later you're doing better, do you want to walk around and eat?"
I held out my grin and said, "Sure."
"Okay, I'll be here by 8?" he suggested.
My lips broke into a smile and nodded as a response.
I went inside to see my mom and dad preparing dinner.
Mom was cooking on the stove and Dad came to hug her.
"You annoy me," Mom joked.
Dad laughed and kissed her cheek before setting the plates.
Mom and Dad were always together, they enjoyed each other's company. When they fight, believe me, they fight. But for so many years, I've seen them love each other through the hardest times.
"Hey kid, come on, dinner's about to be done," Dad said.
Mom poked her head out and furrowed her eyebrows, "What happened to you? Are you okay?"
"Yes, I just have a little cut on my foot. And I'm sorry, but is it okay if I miss dinner?" I asked while grinning.
"Sure, and why?" Dad asked back.
Mom squinted her eyes waiting for an answer.
"I made a friend and he invited me for dinner," I answered.
Mom nodded slowly and reminded me, "If you're going out with your new friend, have dinner outside. Not in his house. Be careful."
"Come home by 12? And be in contact," Dad said.
"I will. Please leave me some chicken for breakfast, thank you," I said.
I headed upstairs to clean my cut and change.
I checked my notifications and there was a message from my best friend, Odette.
Odette: Is, I saw August today at the mall. He was with her. I'm sorry.
I locked my phone and threw it on my bed.
"Isla!" Mom shouted from downstairs.
"Yeah Mom?" I asked.
"Ocean's here!" she answered.
I took my shoulder bag and went downstairs.
"Hey," I greeted.
"Ready to go?" he asked.
I nodded in response.
"Thank you for the drink Mr. and Mrs. Adair," he said.
"Be safe," Dad said.
Ocean and I smiled and headed out.
"I was hoping we could eat at 'Marley's', but if you have anything else in mind, I'm good," he suggested.
"I think I haven't been there," I said.
We small-talked about the beach we're both staying at and how it's been a nice night, weather-wise, on the way to the restaurant.
We were offered a table as soon as we came in and there weren't as many people as I thought there would be.
The waiter gave us the menu and announced their specials.
"Thanks, can you please give us a minute?" I asked.
The waiter smiled and left.
"If you're interested, can we order a couple of dishes we both think we're gonna like and have it in the middle to be shared?" I suggested to Ocean.
He chuckled and said, "Sure, I like that."
The waiter came back and we ordered our food.
"What's the idea behind it?" he asked.
"I don't know, it's just, when we go out with our family, especially when we're trying out a new restaurant, we like to do it so we can try different dishes at once and we can decide much better what we like for next time," I said.
He smiled and asked, "That's smart. So, you're close as a family?"
I nodded. "And I believe that you can know a lot just by someone's food," I said.
"And you told me that after I already ordered," he shook his head jokingly and I chuckled.
A couple of minutes went by and our food arrived.
He jokingly sighed and asked as he gestured his choices, "So?"
"You're still good. Let's see dessert," I joked back.
Dinner was great. We talked a lot, we joked a lot. We seemed to hit it off quite a bit. It was our first "date", but I felt like I already knew him, but didn't know him?
"Do you want to sit by the beach?" he asked.
Suddenly, Odette's message popped into my head.
"Sure, can we stop by the store?" I asked back.
We stopped by the small convenience store and I bought wine.
Ocean didn't want to buy anything, but he paid for the bottle.
We sat on the sand and I peeled the bottle wrap.
"You're gonna think I'm stupid," I said.
"Yeah?" he asked.
"Now how in the world am I going to open this?" I laughed.
He laughed back and took out his multi-function knife.
I opened my mouth in surprise and said, "A hero in modern times."
He opened the wine and handed it to me.
"Uh, do you drink?" I asked.
"You go ahead first," he said.
I took a sip and passed it to him.
"So, what's wrong?" he asked.
I turned to him and asked, "What's wrong?"
He chuckled and shook his head.
I sighed and said, "This stupid boy. We broke up like 3 months ago because he said that I'm 'too much' and I made him realize he should be single for a while. It was a lame reason now that I think of it, but at the time, boy did I blame myself."
"And?" he asked.
"And my best friend saw him today with a girl I had speculations of him liking while we were together," I added.
"Do you still have feelings for him?" he asked.
I laughed and asked back, "No. We are broken up longer than we were together. It's just that, why is it like that?"
"Why is what like that?"
"Relationships," I answered.
"Well, I mean, we're young. And real relationships require a lot of work," he said.
"Yeah, I guess so. Sorry for bumming you out," I apologized.
"No, I like it," he assured.
"You like what?" I asked.
"Talking about anything," he said.
I handed back the bottle to him and he took a sip.
"Your lips are warm," he noticed.
I blushed and put my head down.
"I hope you don't think all guys are like that," he said.
I shook my head, "Oh please, Ocean."
"No, I mean, if you think guys are the worst, I agree with you. It's just that, you know, some guys, when they really like someone, they try their best to keep them," he said.
"I know, my dad is one. He takes good care of my mom. I hope to have that someday." I shared.
"You will," he assured.
I chuckled and pursed my lips, "I hope so. I seem to attract stupid boys who know nothing about treating a girl right."
He looked at me and said, "Not Ocean."
I looked back at him.
I took the bottle from him and chugged the wine.
He slowly pushed the bottle away from my lips and said, "Hey, I don't want to take you home to your parents from our first date drunk. That won't look good on me."
'So It was our first date,' I thought.
I stared into the depth of his eyes and got lost.
He stared back at me. He glanced upon my lips and wiped the fresh wine off my chin.
He put his hand on my cheek and blood rushed all over my body.
He leaned in and- *Bzzzt Bzzzt*
"Hey, are you okay?" I turned around to see Ocean.
I showed my foot to him.
He chuckled and kissed my head, "After 30 years."
He offered his hand to me and we slowly walked back to the house.
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8 comments
Hi, I was sent your story to critique. I found it captivating, and I liked its simplicity. It needs some grammar work, and the ending can be made clearer. For example, He leaned in and- *Bzzzt Bzzzt* the vibrating phone brought her back to the present. "Hey, are you okay?" I turned around to see Ocean.
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Hello O'Brien O'Brien, I appreciate your time to read and critique my story! If you don't mind, can you elaborate on the 'grammar work' part? Are there specific examples from the story you can give so I'll hopefully be able to understand it better? Thank you for your suggestions, I'll definitely jot them down for future use! M.K.
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An echo from the back of my mind shouted, "Hey, are you okay?" I suggest, "Hey, are you okay?" A shout pierced the soothing white noise of the rolling waves. “Where are you staying? Do you need help with your things?" “Where are you staying? Do you need help carrying your things?" I was on my way a couple of steps back when it stung a bit so I stopped and put down my bag. I took a couple of steps and winced, then put down my bag. I looked up to him and laughed, "No, I didn't mean that." I glanced upwards and laughed, "No, I didn't mean ...
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Thank you again for replying. I do get your point. Thank you for giving out these examples and for suggesting corrections as well. Although I must say, some of these suggestions change the tone and thoughts of the story I was trying to convey. I also hoped for most of the dialogues to be as realistic and simple as possible, and to my taste. For the first one you noticed, the "An echo~", I chose that line because that's when she started reminiscing. It meant that the question, "Hey, are you okay?" wasn't from the present, but from a memory...
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I did enjoy the story and you're right, the writer is the only one who knows how it should be written.
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M.K., From the ending, I get that Isla is reminiscing about the first date with her partner of 30 years. It seems like a beautiful, lasting relationship. On my first read through, I did not realize Isla was a girl right away, so I felt confused about the relationship between Isla and Ocean. It would help to add more descriptions. If these two are teenagers, who paid for the dinner? Where is the tension in your story? Are teens usually so polite with their parents? If Isla had a cut on her foot, wouldn't her mother want to bandage it for h...
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Hello Patricia, thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my story! Sorry if it was somewhat confusing, I wanted the story to feel like it's been taken from different parts of a book. Regarding the description, sometimes when I write stories, I find myself not much visibly describing characters as I want them to reveal themselves and have the readers imagine them on their own. I also didn't intend to create any tension, for the purpose of the story, is to make the reader feel a sense of calm. For some of your questions: 1. Yes, ...
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Thank you for your explanations, M.K. They were helpful in better understanding your story and goals. I'm always looking to improve my writing and critiquing. I have been taught that every story must have conflict, but you chose to write a story without it. I found a discussion about this that paired well with your story's goal to produce a sense of calm. You are an artist and can use whatever tools fit your goal. Here is a link to the discussion I found: https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueFilm/comments/5b90lz/can_a_good_story_be_told_without_conf...
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