My Fleeting Heart

The knots in my stomach are so strong today that I am crouching over when I walk. My stomach hurts so bad, I am riddled with anxiety. I think I might throw up. I make my way to the bathroom mirror. Look at you yourself. Are you sure this is what you want? I ask myself. Yes. I know this is what I want- what I wish is that it were easy. But who would I end up if my dreams came easy? I think I’ll take a hot shower to calm down, have some water, and just take some deep breaths to try and relax.

After my shower I lay in bed in the towel. My skin feels hot from the shower, but it feels good. I close my eyes. Breath. This is YOUR life. Do not allow yourself to feel this type of fear over someone else’s disapproval? At the end of the day, its you, and one day your partner and yalls children. At the end of the day you must go to bed happy with yourself! If you want any peace at all, you must have some bravery. Bravery to choose what is best for YOU, what will make YOU the make happy, what serves YOU? You are the only one who will be in your life for your entire life! You have the strength in you, now its time to challenge it!

Oh, what time is it? Dawn. I fell asleep. I’ve been so exhausted with talking myself up to doing this. I’ll go check on the animals.

 Its warms outside with a soft cold breeze. The sky Is beautiful and the air smells like sun flowers in a pale fog, and a distant campfire. “Nanner?” Ma calls out, “come on hunny, I made dinner”. “Coming, Ma”, I grab a few fresh eggs from the coop before walking in. They’re still warm. Chills. I’m instantly apparent to how chilly it is once I cuffed the warm egg in my palm. I hurry in the house. Mmm. It smells like broth; Ma must’ve made stew. Well, now’s the time, I think to myself.

“Ma? “Paw?” I have an announcement”, I stare at them. My mouth is dry but they aren’t even looking at me or phased at all.

“Okay, suga buga what’s that?”, Paw asks me.

Here goes. “I don’t want to continue the Haliburtons Vet and Animal Rehab Center. I want to move to New York and study art at Juilliard”, I spat out.

Paw chuckles.

Ma dismisses my dreams with, “Hunny its good to dream big, but you know what is better? Stability and legacy. The Halliburton’s Vet has been this town’s only animal clinic for 84 years! It can’t just stop running- What will happen to all the animals?”

“My acceptance letter came in yesterday and I got a full ride scholarship”, I say with a straight face.

I instantly have their attention now. Paws fork dropped on his plate while him and Ma just stare at me with open mouths. I don’t even think they’re blinking. “Ma, Paw- I’m sorry but I don’t want to continue the family legacy, I want to start my own legacy. This is what I want, please try, and find support for me in your hearts! And besides Aunt Joys youngest son loves animals, maybe he can be the one to carry on the legacy in a few years when he gets older! It doesn’t have to end, and Ill train any of my cousins in the family to take over my job when I move”, I assure them.

“Well”, Paw says, “congratulations?”

Ma quietly agrees and we spend the rest of the dinner in silence.

I guess I’m going to bed disappointed tonight. I knew they would be let down and maybe even ashamed, but I still had a little glimmer of hope that maybe they could understand me and support me. But no matter what, I promised myself that I would remain loyal to my dreams because if not, my life and my happiness will suffer. I know if their love is unconditional they will come around to see that I need this opportunity.

Its morning. I smell blueberries and brown sugar, coffee, eggs, and more. I find myself following my noses’ lead to the kitchen. Ma’s cooking something good! It’s been a few days since I spilled the news, and she has hardly spoken to me. So, I’m surprised when she turns around from the stovetop to look at my sleepy self and say, “Oh good hunny, you’re up! I made you breakfast”!

“Hm?”, I ask, “Ma you’re not mad at me anymore?” I ask, hopeful to hear a “no”.

“Baby”, she says while bringing me a huge plate of blueberry pancakes, “I was never mad at you”, she rubs my head, “I was jealous of you!”

“Huh? Jealous?” I asked, confused.

“Yeah baby, I was jealous you had the courage to make your own dreams come true! You took charge of your own life, that is amazing! I wish I had the confidence to do that when I was your age. And I’m sorry I wasn’t more supportive at first. I’m excited for you, but I’m also nervous to see you move so far from your Paw and me”.

“Oh Ma, I’ll come visit every holiday, you and Paw can come whenever you want, I’ll miss you both so much too, but I have to do this and I promise we’ll see each other and talk often! Thank you so much Ma for understanding, I love you! I’m so happy you were able to give me your blessing and support, that means the world to me”, I assure her. We smile and hug. Ma cries a little bit while we break away from our hug, she shoos me away to reassure me she’s okay, they’re just mom tears. Paw comes in the kitchen, “what smells so damn good?” We laugh and all join each other at the table. These pancakes are so delicious!