Letter to You

Dear Joshua, 

As the time passes by, I never get mad at you. In fact I reasoned with you. But you never gave me an effort. 

You, the person that promised me the whole world, made me wait and wait and wait. I am a woman of dignity and I would not tolerate the kind of behaviour. 

But for some reason, I couldn't do it. 

I couldn't say no to you. Not now, not ever. My love for you is indescribable. No matter how tough it gets, I'm willing to wait. 

You constantly said, "I'll be better." But are you? Are you better now than then? What makes you different now? 

I see you rarely now. But I trust you. I know you wouldn't hurt me. At least I told myself you won't. 

I always found myself crying at night. I might not say it, but I needed you more than ever. You promised me. You promised me you'll always be there for me. When we started this whole relationship, I believed you. 

Now, I believe you less and less. 

It hurts. It hurts for me. 

Please, I'm begging you. I still have enough patience to wait for you, but the others won't. I'm begging you to be serious. 

People said communication is the key of the relationship, and I'm so glad we still talked. But how long are you going to leave me hanging? 

How long do I have to wait for you to finally catch up with me? So that we could be happy together? 

Please don't do this to me. 

I love you, but do you love me? 

If so, why are you not giving me your 100 percent effort? 

I had to constantly be fed with stories my friends told me about their relationships. What could I say about our relationship? There's almost nothing to say about. 

Everyone had been pressuring me to leave you. Everyone. 

My parents, my siblings, my friends. Everyone who knew about you and me. 

But they didn't know how you make me feel, and most specifically how much you mean to me. 

Yes, you always said you're trying your best. So how long is it going to take? 

One more year? Two more? Heck, ten more? 

I don't care. I don't care about waiting for you. I kept shrugging off the bad feeling I had for you, because I know you're trying. I know you're trying so hard for this to work. 

I want it to work. God, I really want it. 

Waiting for you was never easy, but it's never hard either. I'm telling you to please, put more effort into me. Into us. 

You running late wasn't a problem at first. But if you're going to take another 2 years, it's going to be harder and harder to wait, darling. 

I'm having mixed feelings because of you. I don't want to make a decision. I don't want to choose you over someone else. But I'm going to have to.

A good friend of mine asked to marry me first, without your knowledge, of course. I said I'll think about it, because I will. 

When you receive this letter, the clock starts. You have two days to decide whether you want this or not, and I too have two days to decide whether I will marry my friend or not. 

If you love me, choose wisely. 

With love, 

Kiera Conway

As I folded the letter, I got it away from under my grip as fast as possible, afraid that it would be stained with tears. I tried not to cry. I promised myself not to cry while I wrote the letter, but words came easy, and so was the tears. 

I carefully put it inside an envelope, gluing it shut. 

I didn't want to do it. But I had no choice. My parents were pushing me, and when they knew about the proposal, they pushed harder. 

I love Joshua, but I'm starting to see how much he messed up, and how much I tolerated it. 

I asked my little brother to go and send the letter to the address I managed to write on top of the envelope. He asked me about how I was doing, and I couldn't even give him a proper answer. 

I acknowledged the fact that I was hurting so badly, and Joshua knew none of it. 

I knew things would go awry when he moved away after high school. I just knew. But of course I believed him. I trusted him with my whole life for God's sake. 

He wouldn't betray me, he wouldn't. He loves me. 

We talked a lot. Skype, Facetime, you name it. Keyword 'talked'. We started talking less and less as the years went by. 

We're both 25 now, and nothing has happened between us. Sure I met him from time to time, we spent time together, but it just felt wrong. I don't feel like a partner, and he didn't feel like a partner for life to me. 

Am I ready to spend my whole life with him? Where it's a never-ending cycle. We don't even talk a lot anymore. Greetings and 'I love you's here and there, but never a full on conversation about anything, mainly our future. 

I don't get it. I don't get him. 

If I complain, everything would go back to normal again, like we were a normal couple just living a few hundred miles apart. No big deal. But it has happened too many times and I'm going to be honest, I am sick of it. 

I'm waiting for his answer. Doing another game of waiting. 

I knew the letter arrived, when he confronted me about it. He knew it was from me, he recognised my handwriting, but he didn't know why. I didn't know what to say. "Read it and tell me what you think." was the only thing I could say before I ended the call. 

Two days. Two days were the amount of days he had, and the amount of days I had. 

Joshua went quiet, and I was losing all hopes on him. 

As the second day almost ended, I contemplated on calling him up, telling him that our relationship was over and that he was invited to the wedding, but he did before me.

I expected him to call me first, of course, but what I didn't expect was for him to hold out a ring over the phone, begging me to stay with him. 

He said it again. "I'll be better." 

I had doubts so I let myself go quiet. 

As I listened to him, something told me that he's ready to catch up with me. 

So I let him. 

"Yes."