Wedding Hells

It was a romance worthy of a soap opera. Each stars of their own show, Pearl Swinney and Wayne Waxen met at an industry event for actors and agents. Witnesses described their meeting as ‘electric,’ ‘smoldering,’ or ‘like a short circuit.’ That sparks flew was not seen by all as a positive sign. Anywhere outside of Hollywood, what happened between them would be called bizarre. In this town, it was called ‘Wednesday night.’

No one denied their passion. They proved inseparable. Seen everywhere holding hands and trailed by paparazzi, everyone knew Wayne and Pearl were an item. Their only time apart was while at work. And when not on camera, they’d talk by phone.

Though some called them ‘a couple made in heaven,’ there’s scant evidence the heavens opened for them.

Pearl’s agent, Bill Williams, said, “Their affair actually was spawned from a much hotter place.”

A controversy arose when Wayne and Pearl received the ‘Most Interesting Couple’ award. Presented by the Daytime Soaps Committee, this award scandalized the industry and sponsors. Pearl and Wayne each starred in soaps but were featured in shows on different networks and competing in the same time slot.

Insinuations that Wayne’s show runner was trying to poach Pearl were met with flat denials. Pearl and Wayne ignored show politics when possible. They only had eyes for each other.

Especially when they were fighting. The intensity of their affair could not help but include the occasional disagreement. But their histrionic disputes rang through Hollywood’s streets in operatic fashion. A talk show on Pearl’s network offered regular segments covering the couple’s very public spats. Any venue Pearl and Wayne appeared received increased ratings.

Wayne and Pearl had a built-in audience. Paparazzi followed them. Gossip writers scoured their thesauruses for alternatives to the word ‘volatile.’

Except for the occasional flung plate, they were never violent. But Pearl’s words could singe eyebrows. Her well-honed dramatic sense kept her mindful of rewarding fans with memorable scenes.

Responding to some insult, Wayne sarcastically said, “You slay me…”

She responded, “Just wait… Stand in front of my car. I’ll get my keys.”

At a restaurant, awaiting Wayne, the waiter asked, “Will he stay for dinner?”

Pearl said, “He’ll either leave or he’ll be dinner.”

One restaurant denied Wayne and Pearl service, citing their behavior’s disruption of the subdued atmosphere. That place lost money to eateries which advertised Pearl and Wayne’s plans to dine there. Crowds gathered, hungry for the public spectacle of celebrity combat. Cheers rang out when a thrown plate hit its mark.

Of course, the loving couple spent their time doing more than working and arguing. Much free time was spent behind closed doors. Tenacious paparazzi excelled at documenting their favorite celebrities smooching. Gossip shows often featured Pearl and Wayne’s amorous activities. They always cut away when videos of their groping became too voyeuristic.

News of their betrothal made front pages even in Europe. Around the world, the news was met with congratulations and disbelief. The couple’s networks threatened lawsuits over alleged conflicts of interest.

As the wedding approached, their fighting intensified. The fiercely competitive lovers had replaced a desire for unconditional love with the need for unconditional surrender.

Almost anyone with access to a microphone raised the question of ‘why?’ One critic, Jeremy Clumb, said, “I’m all for passion. But, and I ask them both, why stay with someone so contentious? Maybe for a fling, sure. But marriage? Yikes! Is this life imitating art? They are, after all, soap opera stars. Ratings are ratings. But, in my private life, when I come home from work, I prefer a little peace and quiet with my brandy. To each his own.”

What were the fights about? Many disputes arose over things everyone argues - where to eat, what to eat… And they couldn’t avoid obvious digs at each other’s co-stars with whom their characters shared intimacies. Any professional actor can field such things with aplomb. Who hasn’t heard ‘My show’s better than yours’? Or similar childish challenges? No one starts a brawl in a five-star restaurant over such twaddle.

No. What repeatedly got the saucers flying was different. Wayne said he started it as a joke and then couldn’t resist stepping it up when she bristled at his jibe.

“I was in a good mood and enjoyed our banter. So, I asked a simple-minded question and was amazed at her extreme reaction. Seems Pearl hated, no, despised debates of moot points. You won’t believe this, but I asked, ‘which is better? Waffles or pancakes?’”

He continued. “I admit it was my fault. She feigned disinterest. But with my genius for conjuring up mundane topics, I drew her in. It went down from there… Once we were ‘escorted’ from a restaurant because Pearl vehemently refused to accept the fact that Italian and Spanish were two languages and not simply different accents of the same language.”

It was a brief engagement. They set a date timed for when each was on hiatus from their shows. Their publicists were coy about where the nuptials would be held.

Social media being omniscient, the wedding’s location leaked just before the wedding. That day, the chapel filled early. People wanted to witness this famous couple’s wedding from prime seating. Paparazzi hovered in the side aisles.

Tension filled the air. Something felt off. Would they show? Would lightning strike?

Rumors circulated that they fought and cancelled the wedding.

Would people gather before the fact if they knew a train wreck would happen? Facebook would buzz for days at the spectacle. Who could look away and not regret missing it? But a no-show would be a tragedy. How does one gossip about that?

The maids of honor milled about the entrance. Wayne’s best man, Axel, secured their phone numbers.

A murmur spread through the crowd when Wayne entered the church. Pastor Hubert nodded to him.

Wayne approached Axel. “Any sign of Pearl?”

“No word… What’d you do with her, man?”

“We agreed to meet here. Not supposed to see the bride beforehand. Right?”

The organist, watching the rear of the church, nodded and began the processional. Pearl stood at the back with her attendants. Her dress was magnificent.

Alex nudged Wayne. “Here goes…” They smiled.

When Pearl arrived at the altar, they stood together. Pastor Hubert nodded and stepped up with a blessing. He recited the standard wedding litany. Everyone wanted to hear Wayne and Pearl’s vows. He kept it brief.

He said, “Please face one another and hold hands.” Wayne took Pearl’s hands in his. “Have you prepared your vows?”

Wayne nodded and paused, looking at Pearl.

“Pearl, I’ve heard a couple getting married, makes vows but have no idea what they’re promising. Their profound commitment is essentially made to a stranger. I know you, Pearl. We’ve often talked through the night. And not always sweetly…”

Laughter spread through the crowd.  

Wayne continued, “But expectations and wants jumble. When we awaken our first morning together, who will I see? In a year, who will you be? Will I ever get you to breakfast on waffles? We’ll surely grow together. And when you pass away and I visit your grave, will I feel your spirit beside me? Our shared time will prove everything. I cannot wait.”

Pearl looked as if she sought escape.

“Pearl, I promise to hold you to your promises and demand the best from you. You will exceed what you think you’re capable of. We will reach the stars, together, or else.”

The crowd murmured. Someone said, “Who would say that…?”

From the front pew, Pearl’s mother yelled, “Give her hell, Wayne!”

“Pearl, you give me more than anyone. With my encouragement, you will achieve beyond your wildest dreams. I’ll transform us into an unforgettable phenomenon. Our legend will live for generations. Books and songs will be written about our love. Movies will celebrate our story. I promise you will be happy. Or else.”

Pastor Hubert looked befuddled. He glanced about for support.

Pearl cleared her throat. She said, “Wayne, when I watch the moon rise, I see your face, or another fleshy part of yours. I promise to ignore your back sliding and prevarications. Have we met before? Pancakes are not negotiable.”

Several people in the congregation spoke out. “What did she say?”

“Did I hear that right?”

“Speak up!”

Pastor Hubert looked panicked and tried to interrupt. Pearl’s look silenced him.

Pearl continued. “Will these vows of yours also prove to be lies? Or is that term too respectable for your despicable habit? Should I describe them as fibs, as you do, so you may save face? Remember the truth distorted remains true despite the wavering mirror you gaze upon. Someday you will see as I do and that will be the end. Finally, you’ll pay and I’ll dance on your grave.”

The crowd erupted in shouts. Pastor Hubert stepped forward with his hands raised to silence the crowd.

He said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for my lapse. Is there anyone here with a reason these two should not be wed? Speak now, or forever hold…”

Yells and shouts filled the sanctuary. The crowd rose as one to stop the wedding. Many rushed forward. Wayne shielded Pearl from the crowd. Alex stepped up to intercede.

Pastor Hubert brought silence by waving his hands and calling out. “I hear you! Thank you! Please return to your seats.”

People sat but the murmurs continued.

Pastor Hubert said, “I too, find it necessary to state this couple should not be married today. I wish them well and pray their friendship continues. But it would be premature to finalize their wedding vows at this time. Please consider this ceremony ended and incomplete. Good day.”

Rising as one, the people cheered. The organist played, “Happy Days are Here Again.” There was dancing in the aisles.

Pearl and Wayne laughed and embraced. Also laughing, Pastor Hubert blessed them.

~

The reception took place as planned. The great, hilarious party celebrated the couple’s non-wedding.

Rather than sitting at the center of the head table, Pearl and Wayne sat at opposite ends.

They danced. They smashed cake into each other’s faces. Everyone laughed.

At the party’s end, they kissed farewell. After that, they neither spoke nor were ever again seen together.