Dumb Ass and Shit-for-Brains

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Dumb Ass and Shit-for-Brains

                                           “How much love is in a friend? It depends

                             on how much you give them.”

                                                                     -Shel Silverstein


 Walt: “Hey, Shit-for-Brains, you up yet?”

Frank: “I am now. Dammit, Walt, what time is it? And can you just once not start my day off by calling me Shit-for-Brains?”

Walt: “How about Mr. Shit-for-Brains? Oh, and it’s ok if you all me Dumb Ass?”

Frank: “That’s different. You are Dumb Ass.

Walt: “So, what time are you picking me up tomorrow?”

Frank: “ No, you’re picking me up, Dumb Ass. I drove last time.”

Walt: “I guess those 67 years are catching up on you. They say the mind is the first thing to go. I drove. Remember, I got ticked off about you getting your stupid cigar ashes on the car seat.”

Frank: “How do you know they were my cigar ashes? It could have been anybody’s cigar ashes.”

Walt: “What? No. There isn’t anyone else who’s ever in my car who smokes. I only let you do it cuz I got sick of your whining about it.”

Frank: “I never whined about it. I never whine about anything.”

Walt: “We get more whines out of you than Napa Valley.”

Frank: “Oh, that’s clever. Fine, I’ll pick you up at six, Dumb Ass. Be ready.”

Walt: “I’m like boiled ham. I’m always ready. See you tomorrow, Shit-for-Brains.”


 Walt: “We should get a better boat.”

Frank: “I like this boat.”

Walt: “It takes forever to ride across the lake.”

Frank: “I like riding across the lake.”

Walt: “Jesus Christ, no wonder everyone calls you Shit-for-Brains.”

Frank: “Hey, you’re the only who calls me Shit-for Brains.”

Walt: “Well, everyone should call you that.”

Frank: “This is just about the spot I almost caught the giant muskie. I would have had him if you hadn’t knocked him off the line with the net.”

Walt: “Oh my God, here we go again. I did a perfect net job. I about had it in there, and then you yanked your pole like you were rippin’ a Band-Aid off and yanked the hook out of its mouth. I thought you were going to wet your pants.”

Frank: “Yeah, right. I’d have been better off with some blind guy on the net. I think you didn’t want me to catch that fish. You were always jealous because I was a better fisherman than you. That fish mounted would have looked great in my rec room, and you screwed that up for me, you Dumb Ass.”

Walt: “That fish wasn’t that big anyway. I’ve caught lots bigger than that thing. That stupid fish gets bigger every year. It was better for you that it got away so you can keep telling everyone about this giant make believe fish.”

Frank: “Ha! In your dreams you caught a fish like that. You get all goofy when you bring in one of your hammer handle northerns. You should stick to panfish. Leave the big game fish to real fisherman like me. Maybe get yourself one of those bamboo poles and park yourself on the shoreline under a tree and have at it. We’ll put a GPS monitor on you so you don’t get lost. And one of those buzzer things in case you fall over and can’t get up.”

Walt: “Let’s hope you don’t hook anything big today. I don’t want you to have a freaking heart attack and die.”

Frank: “Yeah, you probably just wouldn’t want to drag my dead body back to the car.”

Walt: “For sure. I guess we’d just have one of those burials at sea. That would be pretty cool.”


Walt: “Why don’t you at least look at a menu?”

Frank: “Because I like the chicken sandwich.”

Walt: “ But you might like something else too.”

Frank: “But I might not like it.”

Walt: “I can’t argue with that. You know, Frank, I always felt bad that my back gave out and I couldn’t do it anymore. But you could have kept going. You’re still strong as an ox…about as bright as one too, but…”

Frank: “Thanks. Coming from a guy who once bought a new Edsel that means a lot to me.”

Walt: “Whatever, and it wasn’t an Edsel. It was a Nash Rambler.”

Frank: “Whatever yourself.”

 Walt: “But I was saying, you could probably still do it. You must miss it a little.”

Frank: “Are you kidding me? Pouring cement in the hot sun 10 hours a day and laying brick ‘til my fingers hurt? No, I don’t miss it at all.”

Walt: “Then why did you do it all those years?”

Frank: “I liked working with you, Dumbass.”


Walt: “You know, one golf lesson would have done you a world of good. You swing like an old lady.”

Frank: “Oh yeah, well then how come I kicked your butt the last time we played? Oh, and by the way, you still owe me a dollar.”

Walt: “I don’t owe you a dollar. You didn’t win. I did, by 3 strokes.”

Frank: “I’m talking about if you had counted all your strokes and didn’t kick your ball out of the rough on 12.”

Walt: “I count all my strokes, Shit-for-Brains. You are either losing it, or you are one sore loser.”


Frank: “How many years have we been doing this?”

Walt: “Too many.”

Frank: “I’m only doing this cuz I know Martha would have wanted me to. If I skipped it, I’m afraid she’d come back to haunt me.”

Walt: “Same with me. I feel like Barb is watching everything I do.”

Frank: “You’re putting too much batter on the grill, Dumb Ass.”

Walt: “I can’t put too much on. It’s an automatic dispenser thing. It’s the same every time. How freaking stupid can you be, Shit-for-Brains?”

Frank: “And you flip them over too soon. No one wants one of your stupid raw pancakes. I think I’ll tell Father Reefe he needs to send someone from quality control over to check your work.”

Walt: “Great. Then I’ll tell them you didn’t wash your hands after you went to the bathroom. We’re going to have people dying after eating your pancakes.”

Frank: “I never even went to the bathroom, you Dumb Ass.”

Walt: “They won’t know that.”


Walt: “What time do you want me over for dinner? And try to remember to have a turkey this year.”

 Frank: “It’s your turn to do Thanksgiving dinner. I had it last year.”

Walt: “Oh my God, how could you forget the spread I put out last year? I had those little hot dogs, shrimp and that pumpkin pie I made from scratch.

Frank: “Oh yeah, Now I remember. Pumpkin pie? I was wondering what the hell that was. It looked like roasted baby poop. Didn’t taste much better either.”

Walt: “Then why did you eat three pieces?”

Frank: “I didn’t want to offend the host.”


 Walt: “No way. It took you like forever to get out of that sand trap. You looked like a freaking windmill in their. I thought we we’re having a sandstorm.”

Frank: “Nope. I got a seven on the hole. I counted the strokes myself.”

Walt: “Oh, well that makes me feel a lot better. Here’s your dollar, Cheater Pants.”

Frank: “Sore loser.”

Walt: “Well, at least I had the shot of the day, probably of the whole season- my 35’ putt on 17.”

Frank: “Even a blind pig finds a bail of hay once in awhile. And it was more like 20’, Dumb Ass.”

Walt: “Sure, Shit-for-Brains, just like that little fish was this big monster. Maybe you should get your eyes checked. Maybe you have shit for brains and shit for eyes too.”


 Frank: “Look at our line, Walt. These guys are huge. We averaged under 200 lbs. back then.”

Walt: “These high school kids look more like college players. Hey, get me 2 hot dogs, a Pepsi and a licorice rope when you go to the concession stand.”

Frank: “When I go? I did concession stand last week. It’s your turn.”

Walt; “Jesus Christ. I’m going to have to start writing everything down for you. Don’t you remember, I had to go back to get you a couple ketchup packets, you big baby.” 

Frank: “Huh, that does sound a little familiar.”

Walt: “Look at our quarterback warming up. He almost throws as nice a ball as I did.”

Frank: “Nice ball? Are you kidding? If you didn’t have me out there chasing balls down all over the field, you wouldn’t have had a single completion that year.”

Walt: “Ha! Why do you think they called me ‘The Rifle’?”

Frank: “No one called you ‘The Rifle’, Dumb Ass. They called you ‘The Rife Butt’.

Walt: “Did not.”

Frank: “Did too.”

Walt: “Did not.”


Walt: “Frank, where the hell are you?”

Frank: “What are you talking about?”

Walt: “Our tee time is 8:15. That’s 10 minutes from now.”

Frank: “We don’t golf until Tuesday.”

Walt: “Today is Tuesday.”


Walt: “So that’s all he said?”

Frank: “Yep, I guess they’re going to do some tests see what’s going on in there. He said he doesn’t think it’s anything serious. They’re just being cautious, probably just running up a big bill.”

Walt: “What if they run a brain scan and don’t find one?”

Frank: “One what?”

Walt: “A brain. Oh no, wait. Maybe they will prove what I’ve been saying all along.”

Frank: “What’s that?”

Walt: “That you really do have shit for brains.”

Frank: “Very funny.”


Walt: “Are you ok, Frank? Frank?”

Frank: “What?”

Walt: “Are you ok? You seem a little…distant.”

Frank: “What? Yeah…no…distant? I’m…ok.”

Walt: “Well, are you ready to go?”

Frank: “Yeah, I’m ready. Let’s go.”

Walt: “Frank.”

Frank: “What?”

Walt: “You might want to bring your golf clubs.”


 Walt: “Are they sure?”

Frank: “I guess. The Doc says all the tests confirm it. At least you won’t have to worry about me kicking your butt in golf all the time.”

Walt: “Jesus Christ, Frank, don’t say that."


 Frank: “I don’t think I can make it today, Walt. I’m sorry.”

Walt: “That’s ok, don’t worry about it. Do you need anything?”

Frank: “No, the next door neighbors just went shopping for me today. They even made me dinner. They think I’m helpless or …whatever.”

Walt: “Well, I’ll be over around seven.”

Frank: “Tonight?”

Walt: “Yeah, to watch the Packer game. Don’t you rem… I’ll be there at seven.”


 Frank: “How the hell are you going to take me fishing?”

Walt: “I rented a bigger boat.”

Frank: “How are you going to get me in and out of the boat, Dumb Ass?”

Walt: “I dunno. Maybe I can use a car jack, or maybe we’ll run into some Boy Scouts who can help.”

Frank: “Jesus Christ.”


Frank: “Well, you got me into the boat. I can’t wait to see how you’re going to get me out of the boat.”

Walt: “I wasn’t planning on getting you out of the boat. I’m just going to leave you in here and leave it to the rental guys to figure out. Maybe you could be like a permanent guide. You’d come with the boat rental.”

Frank: “I think this is just about where I caught that monster muskie.”

Walt: “I think you’re right. It was right around here.”

Frank: “And you almost lost it for me with your crappy net job.”

Walt: “Yeah, I never would have heard the end of that.”


Walt: “You ok, Frank? You haven’t been answering your phone.”

 Frank: “Who is this?”

Walt: “It’s me, Walt.”

Frank: “Walt?”

Walt: “Let’s try this. It’s me, Shit-for-Brains.”

Frank: “Oh, Walt.”


Frank: “I’m scared, Walt.”

Walt: “I understand, Frank.”

Frank: “It ain’t the dying so much. I’d like to get this over with and die right now.”

Walt: “Gees, Frank, don’t say that….What is it then?”

Frank: “It’s everything I’ll have to go through to get there. I don’t want some old lady cleaning up my pee or changing my diaper.”

Walt: “That’s not going to happen.”

Frank: “How do you know?”

Walt: “Because I’m going to be doing it.”


Frank: “What the hell is this? Why are you…what’s going on?”

Walt: “I’m moving in, that’s what’s going on. I told you I would.”

Frank: “What?”

Walt: “I’m just going to be around, you know, in case you need something.”

Frank: “I don’t know…I’m not…ok, I guess.”


Frank: “Oh God, I’m sorry. I didn’t…I never…oh, Jesus Christ…what a God damn mess. I’m sorry. Can’t someone just shoot me now?”

Walt: “Don’t talk like that. It’s ok, Frank. You can’t help it. It’s not that bad.”

Frank: “Yeah, right. I’m sorry…God damnit…I’m sorry…Walt, I’m so blessed…to have you to care …care for me. I don’t know…how it would…have been…without you.”

Walt: “No, Frank. I’m the one who is blessed. I’m blessed to be able to care for you.”


Frank: "This is so...I don't think I can...I just can't..."

Walt: “It’s ok, Frank. God, don’t cry. You’re going to have me crying.”

Frank: “So… these are the… freaking Golden Years.”

Walt: “I guess. Not what anyone signs up for.”

Frank: “Hey… can you…can you do me a favor?”

Walt: “Of course, what”?

Frank: “ I just want to hear you call me Shit-for-Brains one more time.”

Walt” “Whatever you say…Shit-for Brains.”


Walt: “Is he in any pain, Doc?”

Doctor: “No, he’s resting comfortably. He’ll never feel any pain again. Why don’t you go home and get some sleep?”

Walt: “No, I’m ok, Doc. I’ll just stay awhile longer. I don’t want him to be alone.”


Funeral Director: “I’m sorry, Walt. We have to close the casket now.”

Walt: “I just need a moment.”

Funeral Director: “Of course. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Walt: “I don’t know what to do, Frank. I stashed my clubs away in the garage. I already got an offer on the boat. That fish was a monster, Frank, the biggest fish I ever saw. I told Father Reefe that I couldn’t do the pancake breakfast this Sunday. I just couldn’t do it. Raw pancakes. Where did you come up with that? I loved it when you gave me shit. I don’t want to sit by myself at the High School games. I don’t know a soul who will call me Dumb Ass. I don’t know what to do. I’m sure Martha is glad to see you, but I miss you so much already. I even miss taking care of you at the end.”

Funeral Director: “Walt, it’s time.”

Walt: “I liked working with you too, Frank.”

July 28, 2022 01:03

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1 comment

Kevin Marlow
03:08 Jul 28, 2022

The dialogue reminded me of the movie, 'Grumpy Old Men.'


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