Murder On The Dance-floor

Rooty Hill RSL

After an arduous and seemingly never-ending term one of schooling, the students of Obasan High School in Sydney have conveyed at the local RSL to forget the misery of their gruelling last four months through their annual Spring Dance. With some illicit alcohol in their pockets and suspicious brownies hidden in the hoodie of local derelict Brad Namley, it’s time to party long into the night.

Rory Arnaut has no plans on partying or cavorting however. The uber genius science geek from Merrylands has made a tremendous discovery that could alter the foundation of human history. It all started …

Last Friday…

As he was diligently working on his HSC science major during a free period. He had been trying to prove his theory that concentrated microwave particles can be used to zap cancer in a much quicker and more convenient manner then regular modes of radiation and chemotherapy. He had been determined to prove that severe doubts of his science teacher were misguided, and that he really wasn’t clinically insane.

He had made a small device out of tin, copper and gold. It resembled a small gun, albeit a poorly made and unreliable one and that. With his small rat Barnacles used as a sacrificial lamb, he pointed the device at poor Barnacles and fires a small ray and its leg. Before he would say Akila Denanjaya, the rat vanishes out of thin air, into what he deduces to be a forever realm of nothingness.

After the initial malaise of losing his third rat this year, his tears quickly dried up. Rory was eager to figure out what happened. How can a particle blast containing microwaves of radiation disappear a tiny rat into thin air? How can a shoddily made ray gun do such a thing?

Back At the Dance

“Brah, I’m telling ya, you won’t be able to pull this off.” said Curly, the chubby friend of Rory who had forgone the smart casual attire mandate for a Bintang Singlet, Billabong Shorts and Australian Flag Flip Flops. He and Rory were tenuously best friends; meaning that despite the fact that they weren’t overly fond of each other, they hung out together as they were mutually beneficial to each other. Rory got to test out theories and experiments on Curly, and Curly got to eat the Vegemite Sandwiches that Rory’s mum had packed.

“Listen buddy, this is the perfect opportunity to test out my device on these ignorant jock lemmings, I can gain worldwide fame, whilst also ridding ourselves of the morons dancing to Britney Spears right now.” Rory glances straight at the jocks as he finishes explaining his plan. They are drunkenly dancing like they are one legged vertigo sufferers on an electronic surfboard, all whilst drunkenly singing ‘Everytime’ by Britney Spears on the dancefloor. Some of the ladies are participating in their drunken tomfoolery, but the rest are gossiping in the corner, clearly disinterested in engaging with these buffoons.

“They called me names for years, teased my work, and killed seven of my rats. No more, no more.

“How did you even find this out?” Curly asks, downing his creaming soda in one big gulp, ready to order another. Rory chuckles to himself, before pulling Barnacles the rat out of his pocket, leaning back in his chair, and explaining the rest of his story.

Last Friday…

With poor Barnacles having been zapped into the nothingness, Rory wants to know more about what he has created. He zaps a nearby Bunsen burner, and similarly, it disappears. Curious, he tries a few more items. He zaps a used matchbox; it disappears. He then tries a microscope, it does the same. He doesn’t know where these things are going, or why they’re reacting this way.

He wants to know, and he figures the only way to find out is to zap himself with the device he has created. He knows he must act quickly before hesitation kicks in, so he quickly readies himself to venture into the unknown. He downs the rest of the Sprite he had illegally brought into the science lab, he reads a bible verse for its comedic relief, and just as some hesitation is beginning to foment, he zaps himself into the unknown.

Earhyt….

Rory ends up in what looks to be Korakuen Hall, a famous events hall in Tokyo, Japan. He is in a small boxing ring with Barnacles, the Bunsen burner, the matchbox and the microscope he had zapped into the previously presumed nothingness. He quickly grabs Barnacles and starts to hug and kiss him, happy to be reunited once again.

However, before he can properly gather his bearings, two large creatures, both looking like purple bears with the face of Australian comedian Dave Hughes, come charging towards him. They jump into the ring, and sensing a fresh meal, they howl and hiss at Rory, the saliva dripping into his jeans and melting through the denim. Luckily for Rory, their saliva was actually rather pleasant on his skin, like pawpaw oil on a Mosquito bite.

“Wait, who are you guys?” Rory desperate asks, clutching Barnacles so hard that he briefly starts to suffocate, which Rory quickly amends.

“Oh thank god, you speak an Earhytian-dialect, Sorry for scaring you.” Said the bear like creature on the left, who has a Robert Di Niro face mole on his right cheek. The other bear didn’t have that, and instead had a pencil moustache.

“I’m Rerre Dfini. He’s G’togo Gonflew.” Rerre, the pencil mustachioed-monster, extends his hand, which Rory responds in kind. The two bear-like creatures were Earhytians, a creature from a planet 34 light-years away from earth known as Earhyt. It was exactly the same as earth, but instead of humans, these bear-like creatures with the face of Dave Hughes ruled the planet. Also, they had destroyed their equivalent of New York, showing themselves to be much smarter than their earth-based counterparts.

Rory’s device had managed to teleport himself, his rat and the three miscellaneous items from the lab to this new planet, and over a rather pleasant cup of tea, they would explain everything to Rory.

First Dance

Back on at the Spring Dance, a mischievous Rory plans his attack. His looks at the dance-floor, and begins he wonders who he’ll send to the Earhytians. Dan the Soccer player pick-pocketed 4 dollars’ worth of change two years ago, so he immediately establishes himself as a prime target.  Fred in Science class was his main rival and inexplicably part of the jocks, so he was another logical person to target. All of these options ran through his brain, but little did he realise that someone wanted a run at him.

“Hey Roar, how are you doing tonight?” Rory looks up, and to his surprise, lab assistant and 22 year old University student Eartha Kitano had come over to chat to him. She had been an assistant at the school for the past 2 months, although Rory had not really needed her assistance, as it was clear that science wasn’t the best use of her talents.

“Eartha, uh, hi. What are you doing here?” he asks, not failing to notice the low cut crop top she was wearing.

“Oh, well. Can we have some privacy?” She looks over at Curly, signalling for him to leave. However, once Curly is comfortable in one spot, you will seldom see him moving from that position within the next hour. He defiantly crosses his arms and proclaims,

“Sorry Ms Kitano, but if you need to talk to Rory, you must do it elsewhere.” Rory gives him a light, indicating elbow,

“C’mon mate.”

“No, I shall not be moved, as the great moral philosopher Gandalf once said.”

“Isn’t he a character from Harry Potter?”

“No he is from Lord of the Rings, you should watch the entire serious one time before you make ignorant statements like that Ms.” Not interested in litigating a banal back and forth between the two, Rory signals Eartha to follow him elsewhere, and they promptly leave the booth.

However, in a state of absent-mindedness, he leaves his ray gun in the booth; right besides the nacho’s that he had been munching on for the past 20 minutes. Curly notices it, and picks it up, wondering what he could do with this thing.

Earhyt

Back at Earhyt, the two bear-like creatures had fetched a cup of Tulsi & Ginger tea for young Rory, who was still befuddled by what he had done, even after some of this explained to him by the bears. As they sat in the stands of the event hall, he asks

“I don’t understand why your mood changed once you know I was able to speak your language, why is that?” G’togo heartily chuckles, almost like an old English gentleman. He pours more tea for Rory before continuing.

“We are the dominate species on this planet, and we feed on everything that doesn’t speak the language. Food is scare, so you have to eat where you can find it. However, once we realized you can speak Earhytian, we knew that you could be of use; now can you show me that little rigourmagig you’ve got there?” Rory hesitantly places his micro-wave gun on the table. Rerre inspects the gun as G’togo asks,

“What were you trying to do with this thing? Where are you from?”

“Well, I was doing a science experiment to see if this thing could cure cancer,”

“How can you cure a star sign? Seems absurd,” says Rerre, as he points it sideways, like a two-bit gangster who’s never held a gun before.”

“Uh, cancer is a disease that kills people on earth.”

“I mean, statistically cancers tend to be the most psychopathic star sign.” Rerre mentions,

“We’re getting off track. Point being, for some reason, this gun zapped me and my rat Barnacles from earth and…”

“Hold up, you’re an earthling?” asks G’togo, sitting up in his chair intrigued?

“Why yes, why is that?”

“We hear that there is an earth drink called ‘Mountain Dew’, am I correct.”

“Yeah, but it’s a bit rubbish.”

“On the contrary, it’s the nectar of the gods, the manna of the heavens. I tell you want. You bring us a couple of bottles of that stuff, and we’ll transfer one million earth dollars into your account, deal.” Rory doesn’t know what to say. The prospect of becoming a millionaire just for delivering a couple of bottles of awful soft drink seems too good to be true but also too good to refuse…

“Well… you’ve got a deal.” Rerre and G’togo extend their hand, and the deal is done.

“Well, I better be getting back to earth…”

“Wait, one more thing?” asks Rerre, querying, “Can you bring us creatures that can’t talk? We like earth food, and since the majority of the creatures on your planet can’t talk, it shouldn’t be a tough ask?” Rory nods,

“I’ll see what I can do>” G’togo and Rerre bid him farewell, and after a count of three, Barnacles and Rory zap themselves back to earth.

Last Friday

Rory lands back in his science lab in the middle of class. His sudden reappearance back on earth is mistaken as Rory bursting in unannounced on the year seven science class with Mr Renfrew.

“Mr Thistlethwaite, I am in the middle of teaching the class and I do not appreciate you bursting in in such a manner.” One of the year seveners always chimes in with witting repartee.

“Oi Mr, Rory from year 12 is havin’ a perv aye.” The immature class laugh as Rory grabs his ray gun, picks up Barnacles and runs out of the class. He sprints down the halls, and in pure adulation, he is singing ‘I’ve got a golden ticket, I’ve got a golden sparkle in my eyes.’ He has hit the jackpot, and he plots a grand act of revenge on all the kids who had dismissed his work.

First Dance

Unfortunately, those plans immediately went out the window quicker than his act of debauchery with Eartha Kitano lasted. Minutes before, in the fitting location of the men’s toilets, Eartha had revealed to Rory that she was a sapiosexual, and that she had been sexually attracted to Rory after seeing his major project from past year; a fully functioning replica volcano. After kissing Rory, they had quickly decided to partake in a quick session of intercourse in one of the stools, the first action for Rory in his life and the first act for Eartha that week.

As they recovered, he tells her,

“If you think that’s impressive, wait to you see my newest project. I’ll send you to another motherfucking planet baby.” Eartha giggles as she continues to smooch him. Rory reaches for his back pocket, but he realizes that he doesn’t have the gun.

“Oh fuck, I left the gun with that brain-dead lemming Curly. I’ve got to go.” Rory quickly pulls up his pants and races out, Eartha calling for him to come back as she smiles to herself.

The Finale

On the dancefloor, the kids from the school boogie to ‘Murder On The Dancefloor’ by Sophie Ellis-Bextor, by this stage they’re all illegally drunk and incoherent. Curly, with the ray gun in his hand, points it at the DJ that had been playing the tunes, and zaps him. Despite DH Dropkick’s sudden disappearance, the kids are too wasted to even notice. Curly laughs to himself, knowing he has the power to do anything.

He gets on the stage and walks over to the DJ Set, however as he steps forward to the Apple Mac the DJ owned, Rory races onto the stage and crash tackles Curly.

“Curly, don’t be irresponsible. This device is dangerous.”

“And I’m a dangerous man baby, I don’t want to see this earth anymore, I want to go to Earhyt, and live a simpler life, the feed on the plums of life, to breath plumes of invigorating incense vapour.”

“You’ll be fucking killed.”

“No I won’t man, I’ll be worshipped.” At this stage, the drunken teens notice the kerfuffle on the stage and start hooting and hollering at the two geeks,

“Kick him in the dick man.”

“Gouge the dropkick’s eyes out, aye.” The teens deliver a wave of what would be considered Shakespearean insults if Shakespeare had recently had an aneurysm. Curly and Rory desperately try to control the gun, all in a futile attempt for dominance.

At the stage, a blue glass ball appears, smashing the disco light on the way down, sending glass all over the dancefloor. With the kids drugged out of their minds, Jackson Andrews from Melbourne picks up some of the disco glass and proclaims,

“Brah, I’m gunna do a bong with the glass aye.” Hooting and hollering, the disgusting young adults pull out a bong that Dan Namely had hidden, place the glass in it, and start to smoke the bong, impervious to the blue glass ball hovering over them.

As this entire ruckus is occurring and the teachers desperately try to maintain control of the situation, The Earhytians emerge from the ball, unimpressed.

“CEASE!” says G’togo, before Rerre continues,

“Rory, where is our Mountain Dew?” Rory stops fighting Curly to answer,

“I was getting to that…” before Rory can continue his explanation, Jackson says to Rerre,

“Oi brah, it’s hughesy from the TV, wanna do bongs!” Rerre responds by swiping at Jackson, instantly killing him. The teens scream for a second, before Dan the Soccer player says,

“That’s a trip aye?” G’togo doesn’t answer, but instead starts ripping Dan to shreds. By this stage, the kids start taking it seriously, and begin to sprint to the door as the bears create a bloodbath that Carrie would be jealous of.  Sophie Ellis-Bextor’s hit seems like a fitting song to accompany this rage of these Earhytians, in a blood act that humans can only dream of committing.

As their rampage ends, only Curly, Rory and Eartha are the only humans that remain as the Bears look for the Mountain Dew. Upon finding the mountain Dew, G’togo and Rerre crack it open and toast to the new season. As they walk back to their blue glass ball, Rory exclaims,

“What the hell?” The bears put their glasses on, look to Rory, and tell him,

“We just came for the Mountain Dew, but once we saw the creatures that can’t talk properly, we couldn’t help ourselves. Toodles.” The bears step in the Blue Glass Ball, but just before they close the portal door, Rory asks,

“Hey, what is this?”

“We’ve got better technology sunshine, adios.” The bears close the ball and teleport back to their own planet. At this moment, police walk into the room and balk at the sight. They look straight at Rory and ask,

“Was this you?”

“No, it was the bears.”

“Sure, Freeze dickhead.” Rory, Curly and Eartha are promptly arrested and charged for murder, sentenced to life in prison without parole for a crime they never committed. They wouldn't of committed a similar crime though, so I guess we shouldn't feel too bad for Rory at the very least.

showing us that we should be a little more careful with our inventions, and don’t leave them with the clumsy teen. As for the Earhytian's, they got a pleasant surprise when they saw DJ Dropkick in the ring at their version of Korakuen hall, so with a glass of Chardonnay and a side of bean sprouts, they enjoyed a scrumptious dinner that night...

The End.