Love Always

Trigger: Suicide

Date: August 10, 2017

Dear Paul,

I saw you at school today. You looked as dashing as ever. I don't think you noticed me though. Why would you? It was our first day of college, and you entered our dream school with an arts scholarship, and the title of "Best Actor" from the summer competition. I entered the semester on a scholarship from good grades and a completely clean record, not that anyone cares.

I did try to say 'Hi' to you. I promise I did. I thought about how I would just, walk right up to you, and say, "Hello, Paul." And then I realized that you'd probably smile back, with a bit of a confused look and say, "I'm sorry, do I know you?"

In the end, I decided it would be too embarrassing if you didn't remember me. The last time I talked to you was 9th grade, before things got... complicated.

You're actually in two of my classes, Theatre 101 and Music 100. They're probably your gen-eds. For me, they're just two electives I decided to take, because I hoped that you'd see me, and I'd say, "Hello, Paul," or maybe you'd take the first step and say, "Hello, Kelsie." But that didn't happen. I thought maybe you'd notice me when I answered the question about the play "Uncle Vanya," or maybe in music, when I dissected Mozart's "Au! vous dirai-je, maman." Instead, you laughed at something a tall, gorgeous blonde girl whispered to you.

I thought about saying, "Excuse me, some of us are trying to pass school based on our grades, not our bosoms!" I thought maybe you'd find that funny, or maybe a bit witty.

Who was I kidding, though? I just shut my mouth, and decided not to answer anymore questions, thinking maybe that would make you notice me.

I saw you at lunch too. I thought about walking right up to you and saying, "Hello, Paul. Can I sit with you?" But little miss blondie was there, and she had tripped me in the hallway after theatre class, so I didn't. Although I suppose I could have walked up and said, "Oh, hello, Elle. Oh, wait, you're only half as smart as her." And then squeezed in next to you while she was catching flies with a shocked look on her face.

But, I didn't. There was no reason. You wouldn't have cared.

Love Always,

Ashley

Date: August 17, 2017.

Dear Paul,

Did you notice that I have limited myself to only writing you once a week? It has been tough, I admit. I have thought of so many things I could say to you, like, "How has your first week of school gone?" or "Can I come cheer you on at your next performance?" Which I did try to do. But blondie and her friends were controlling the crowd influx, and though I had a ticket and tried to slip in unnoticed, they told me the auditorium was "At capacity," and they were "So sorry!" I half-believed them, until I heard them giggling about my bookbag as I walked away. My blood boiled, Paul. I thought about turning around and saying, "Well, how much did you spend on those pathetic excuses for a bookbag? I hope it wasn't much, because they're going to make you hunchbacks before you're 25!"

But you weren't there, so there was no one to impress, and I didn't have the confidence anyway. So I walked away.

Love Always,

Ashley

Date: August 18, 2017.

Dear Paul,

Yes, I only lasted one week without writing to you. What else am I supposed to do? You never deign to talk to me. I try to talk to you. I’ve tried over and over again. I just can’t get it out. I wish for once you would notice me, instead of just following those stupid blondes around. They’re idiots, Paul.

Love,

Ashley

Date: August 19,2017

Dear Paul,

Was today as awful for you as it was for me? I noticed you looked down in theatre class today. I wanted to walk up and ask you how you were, and say, “Do you want to come to Starbucks with me and talk about it?” But the blondes were there again, and when I tried to start walking your way, they shoved me down into a seat.

Paul, you really should stop hanging out with them. They’re going to get you into trouble. I wish you could see that. I wish you would notice me, even if all you did was say, “Hello.” We used to be good friends, you know. I know that whole thing happened in 9^th grade, but we’re in college now. It shouldn’t matter. I keep hoping that you look for me. That maybe one day you’ll notice I exist and yell my name as you run to see me, and I’ll say, “Paul, what took you so long to find me?” And then we’d go back to where we were.

Love,

Ashley

Date: August 20, 2017

Dear Paul,

I honestly cannot believe you are friends with those awful girls! You may not notice me, but they certainly do! You’re around them all of the time! Do you not notice how awful they are to me? How mean they are? Do you just not care at all?

Do… do you not recognize me anymore?

Ashley

Date: August 21, 2017

Dear Paul,

I have been in love with you since before the incident in 9^th grade. I know that it embarrassed you, and I’m sorry for that. I never meant to. I didn’t realize that it was more than just a game…If I had known, I never would have done it.

I ruined our friendship forever. I don’t blame you for forgetting about me.

Ashley

Date: August 22, 2017

Life hurts. These girls at college that seem to hate me for no reason, hurt. The fact that Paul either ignores me or just doesn’t recognize me anymore, hurts. I’m alone in my dorm so often, never getting invited to parties, or groups, or gatherings. No one cares about me. Not even me. I’m trying to fight this feeling, but it’s so hard. No one cares. Who would even miss me?

Date: August 23, 2017

There’s no reason for me to be here anymore. I just want to stop feeling. The people around me are laughing at me constantly, no one talks to me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like eating, I don’t want to go to class. I don’t even want to sleep, unless I went to sleep and never woke up again.

Date: August 24, 2017

Today is my last day on earth. Tonight will be the end. I’m going to skip classes, and try to find some semblance of happiness before I leave forever. I’m sick and tired of being alone, of being ignored, or being laughed at. I’m finished.

Date: August 24, 2017

Dear Ashley,

I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry. I did notice you. I saw the girls laughing at you. I saw everything that was happening, and I didn’t put a stop to it. You were right, you know. About what you said in your journal? I was embarrassed, and I took that embarrassment out on you, and I shouldn’t have. Now you’re gone, because of me. I found your journal, before you ended your life, and I rushed to where you had said you would be. I wish I had comforted you sooner, wish I had been at your side. None of it was your fault. You weren’t alone. If you had spoken up… No, if we had spoken to you. This never would have happened.

I held you as you gasped for air, you had almost completely bled out from the slashes in your wrist. I cried for you, and pleaded with God to keep you from dying. It was too late. What I found a bit strange was that even though I held you for over an hour, praying desperately for the emergency services to get there on time, you never said a word. Even when I talked to you, begging you not to give up. Even though I knew you could, you didn’t speak. The only thing you said, the last thing before you slipped away was, “Goodbye." And all I could do was blame myself and weep for the wasted time.

I wish I could make it up to you, but now all I can do is let you go, and not allow this to happen to anyone else I care about. I did care about you, Ashley. I was just a fool, and cared too much about what others thought. I'm sorry--so, so, so sorry.

Love Always,

Paul