The Lonely

The Lonely 

"Only the Lonely knows how I feel tonight,"__ Roy Orbison and Joe Melson.

     I am sitting here in this room, surrounded by all these people, I look at their faces, and I wonder, is anyone here besides me feeling The Lonely? I talk, am social, and smile and look the part, but inside, The Lonely is with me. At times, he tries to overwhelm me, drag me down to a dark and damp place so overwhelming that no matter how hard I try… I simply can't climb to the rim of the crevasse. The people at this party are my friends and family, yet they have no idea what darkness is lurking in my soul behind my smiling face.

     I've read many books on loneliness; you could say I've done my research. According to those of great intellect, loneliness is a feeling of isolation, a state of mind usually caused by situational factors. But The Lonely is not a state of mind; no, he is something much more profound. 

     The Lonely is not a result of grief, isolation, a significant loss, not unrequited love, or a desire, nor is The Lonely caused by low self-esteem. Education, marriage, substantial money, or denial cannot send The Lonely away.

     The Lonely is not a medical disorder caused by depression. He does not cause you to withdraw into desolate isolation, well, usually not, and not for long periods. In fact, The Lonely allows you to feel joy, love, and even hope that he has left you. 

Just as you begin to feel that things are routine, you see a group of leafless trees, a shadowed cloudy sky, or maybe you see a homeless person sleeping in the rain on a bus bench, and your heart is suddenly grabbed and taken to The Lonely's dark dungeon in your soul.

      You can seek help to combat The Lonely, medications, meetings, you can seek counseling from clergy, respected elders, and even psychiatrists, but it will come to no avail…because they cannot see or feel or understand The Lonely.

     The Lonely has a mission, to control you, turn you, and never let you go. He has no regard for race, status, age, country, or gender. He laughs at your accomplishments and relishes in your failures. He can overtake you at any time during any moment you experience. 

He can grab you from your wedding or hit you at a party. One thing you can be sure of once The Lonely finds you, you will never be the same, and you will never again be free.

     I believe that there are others like me. Don't get me wrong, I know that some people have a disorder, and medication can be effective. It is crucial to reach out and seek to no longer feel The Lonely. But I personally have gone down that route to only find there is no reprieve.

     Bear with me, and I will try to explain The Lonely to you. I will tell you, my story. I do not want you to feel sorry for me; I require no pity. No, I want to help those besieged by The Lonely to recognize him. Perhaps together, we can find a way to combat The Lonely so we all can be free.

     If, as you learn from me, it lightens your heart, beware! I can assure you that The Lonely is still here, waiting for you. Waiting to find the right moment to crush your soul, reminding you that no matter how happy you think you are. How proud you may feel of your accomplishments. There will soon come a day without warning when he will scream your name, reach out, grab you, and shake you awake from your happy dreams, even if you are already awake. I know The Lonely is laughing as I write this little story, I know he will be waiting for me no matter how long it takes.

It was only a few minutes later as I sat there in the crowded room, I felt my body floating and being pulled away and I realized The Lonely was holding my hand. We drifted into the darkness. It felt like we were going down, down into some cold place. I didn't want to go, I pulled against The Lonely, and he laughed his guttural laugh and said,

"Come tiny dancer, it is time to dance to my music! You don't really think you can pull away from me. You know you really want to be with me, so let's dance!"

At that moment, we arrived in the large, dark mirrored room, and I looked down to see that I was not wearing my clothes from school. They had magically changed. I was wearing a beautiful gown of black lace and tulle. The skirt was very full and pretty, like a formal ballet gown. When I looked at The Lonely, he was not wearing his dark black hooded sweats. He was standing across the room in the dark in what looked like an older-style black tuxedo. He walked towards me, speaking in his raspy voice but not laughing this time, and he said,

"You look suitable, my dear, suitable to dance with The Lonely in this dimly lit room." He reached for my hand, and I lowered my eyes. I did not want to look at his face, I knew it would be hideous, so I held my hand out to him without raising my eyes. 

He gently and surprisingly took my hand to his lips, kissing it softly as he whispered to me, "Now we shall dance."

The music started a gentle waltz, and he moved closer to me. He reached out and touched my waist, pulling me gently toward him with his strong hand. I still did not look up, we began to dance, and it felt like we were floating across the floor. He danced divinely, and I moved along with him. I was so scared. 

I wanted to look at him, but I was afraid I would scream, and he would become angry, so I just danced, looking at the floor. We circled the room, and he pulled me closer to his body. I could feel that his chest felt rock hard as if under the formal white shirt and black cumber bun were layers of rippled muscles or granite. I could smell him, a minty yet woodsy fragrance appealing to my senses. I was building my courage with each turn, thinking I would look at his face on the next turn. When the turn came, I drew upon all my strength and raised my head. I expected to see something like what I would see in a horror movie.

Still, to my surprise, his face was chiseled like a God, with a thin mustache and a five o'clock shadow across the sides of his face and chin. His bone structure was beautiful. His eyes… those eyes were the blackest eyes I have ever seen. His hair was slightly disarrayed, and it too was black as night but cut in a style of someone with good taste and breeding. 

His lips were beautiful and perfect, but he did not smile.

He looked into my eyes and said, "I am glad you decided to look at me. Is it so terrible as you expected?"

Before I could really think about his question, I said, "No, you are beautiful and a graceful dancer."

Then I caught myself as I saw the edges of those perfect lips slightly turn into a slight smirk.

I said, "Are you the same person who came for me in the past? Why me, why do you haunt me this way?"

He did not immediately reply. Instead, he stopped dancing, and the music also stopped when he did. He turned his back to me and walked toward the broken mirrors lining the walls of the room, and as he did, I noticed he had no reflection in the mirror. He stopped in front of the mirror, turned back to look at me, and quietly replied,

"Little Nothing, don't be fooled by what you think you see. I am a total and complete monster, and you, my dear, are my darling little nothing, did you forget? Monsters come with many faces. Now, no more questions" he sighed deeply and said, 'I am bored, just like you bore all your friends and family!"

I walked towards him, I was angry, and I said, "tell me your name, or do you enjoy being known as The Lonely guess what, Mr. Monster, you bore me too! If I bore you so much, then just leave me alone! Stay out of my life. I do not need you! I think you are the one who needs me!" 

The Lonely turned to me and quickly was right in front of me. I did not even see him approaching. Yet here he is, practically in my face staring and frowning at me with his beautiful face and an ugly scowl.

"For your information, my dear Mira, my name is Lucien, but The Lonely fits me well too, and yes, I like it here," he says.

"I don't believe you! "I replied as stood on my tiptoes and reached up to his face. He was tall, about six foot five or six. I did not back away from him as I usually do.

I meekly said, "Do you want to dance again, Lucien?" He did not reply, he just seemed to disappear into some wavy black shadow mist, and he was gone. 

I do not know where he went, I only know that now that he gone, I feel even more irrelevant than before. I must be crazy, no one else noticed him, only me, why, what is in store for me, will I just find happiness with Lucien, The Lonely, or am I just totally insane?

Part of me wants him to be real, but what would that mean, that everything I ever believed in is wrong? Maybe that would not be as bad as the feeling I have without him.