Bittersweet Chocolate

“Bye, Lila! Get home safe.” I shut the door and sighed, what a crazy party. I look back at the dorm, not completely trashed, but a significant amount of cleaning up is needed. As I walked down the hallway, I picked up some red solo cups spread out on the floor. Huh, someone spilled some popcorn and soda in the main living room, I’ll clean that up later. River was standing in the middle of the common room. Her dainty hands on her head, slit brows furrowed together. She was breathtaking. “Oh, Alex, could you please check the other rooms to see if anyone left anything?” Her voice suddenly brought me back to reality.

“Right, right.” I shake off that weird feeling, thinking if she caught me staring at her. Our dorm was relatively luxurious for two college students, with a living room, kitchen, bathroom, and two separate rooms. The only tradeoff of living in such a prestigious college dorm is maintaining a very competitive scholarship. That, and the fact that I’m living with my ex-girlfriend. As I make my rounds in each room, searching thoroughly, I hear an audible thud in the living room. “Shit!”

I rushed over, only to see River hunched over on the floor. “What happened, are you okay?” I reach out my hand to her, helping her up. She held her knee as she stood up, half-chuckling, “I bumped my damn knee on the coffee table.” I held in my laughter, but failed to keep a straight face. She elbowed me, saying that I was always the victim of that particular table. We both laughed, but fell into silence afterward. I shifted my weight between my feet, not knowing what to say. She cleared her throat, “Ahem. So, what a party, huh?”

I grinned, “Can you believe Duncan? He totally bombed ‘Take on Me,’ there’s no way I can listen to that song the same way.” She grinned back, a mischievous look in her eyes, one that made me feel jittery inside. “Well, if you thought Duncan was bad, you should meet my friend…” I raise an eyebrow, wondering who she was talking about. As she began to cheekily sing the song, “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston, it dawned on me. “NOPE! NOPE! I nailed that song and you know it.” I rolled my eyes, while opening a garbage bag to collect all the trash around the dorm. 

I picked up a Cadbury chocolate wrapper, suddenly hit with a pang of melancholy. When we started going out, as a token of appreciation, she would always buy me one of these at the end of our dates. I quickly shoved it into the garbage bag, I don’t need memories of what has been. It did me no favors and only brought about the painful feelings of “what if’s.” I say this, but there’s always this tiny part of me hoping that things would go back to the way they were. Whatever. 

I went to the shared bathroom to thoroughly wash my arms and hands. As I dried myself off, River came in, sweating profusely. I chuckle, “You never change.” She raised an eyebrow, complete with a confused yet challenging look. “Come on, you can’t have forgotten my nickname for you, right?” Her face scrunched up even more, not knowing what I meant. “Awww, that’s too bad, my little water-bender.” She rolled her eyes, which didn’t match that same crooked smile from earlier. In retaliation, she swiped her sweaty palms onto my shoulder. My heart beat a mile a minute, she never teased me like this before, only when we were dating.

I smirked, “You dare to challenge me?” I took the sprayable bidet from beside the toilet and threatened to spray her with it. “Don’t you dare, Alexandra!” My breathing felt heavy, as I looked into her eyes sparkling with excitement. I spritzed her with the bidet and she laughed. She laughed. The half-snorting-half-wheezing laugh I fell in love with. She ran toward the bathtub, planning to spray me with the detachable showerhead. I chased after her, but tripped on the tile, causing both of us to fall. Luckily, she didn’t hit her head against anything, I don’t know what I would do if I had caused anything grave.

It was only until we stopped laughing that we realized I was on top of her, facing down. She smiled at me, the one where she seemed… Happy? Genuinely happy? It felt like time had froze, even though it didn’t. Her lips were parted, her curly hair carefully laid out on the floor as if it were a work of art. I caught my breath and brushed a hair away from her face. Her breathing hitched, I felt it. This was it. The perfect moment. The moment I had been waiting for the moment we broke up. A chance to win her back, to show her that we were meant to be. 

I leaned in, closing my eyes. “I’m sorry.” I felt her hands on my shoulders, causing me to stop and open my eyes. “I’m sorry, but this can’t happen.” My heart sank to the bottom of the ocean. I sat down on the cold, hard, tiled floor, regaining my composure. She looked at me, as if she was being tried guilty in court, and I was the judge. “We broke up for a reason. Wouldn’t you be disrespecting my wishes if we got back together?” I looked away, tears welling up in my eyes. I tried to blink them away, to no avail. “Look, I’ve changed. I’m sure I’m no longer the River you fell madly in love with, once upon a time.” She was wrong. 

I stood up, without saying another word, still looking away. I turned to leave the bathroom, half-running-half-walking to my room. She was saying something, but I couldn’t hear it over the sounds of pain coming from my heartstrings. I wanted to say that she was selfish. I wanted to say that she was in the wrong. I wanted to say these things but I knew that they were lies. How could she have been selfish, when she was so generous? How could she be in the wrong, when it was I who jeopardized our relationship? My chest felt so heavy and burdened, it was as if Atlas had placed the world on it. 

I dove into my bed, burying my face in the pillows. I had made a fool of myself back there. Thinking that that was the “perfect moment.” There will never be a perfect moment because there was never a chance to begin with. I was just a loser who couldn’t move on from her ex. I can’t move on. Why can’t I move on? I growled in frustration. My mind started to race. Was it because I had no closure? No, she gave me all the closure I needed. Then it hit me. It was because I saw her everyday that I fell in love over and over again. I needed to get out of here, for better or for worse. 

I emailed the school the next day to put in a request for a room transfer, stating that my roommate and I had disagreements that affected my studies. Apparently, it was a good enough reason for them, I mean, they need to keep their scholars in top condition. Over the course of the week, I began to pack up my belongings, which I couldn’t hide from River. She knew I was leaving and she knew why. Every time I crossed paths with her in the morning, I always saw this expression of guilt with a hint of pain. We exchanged a few civil words in between our individual activities for the day. 

On my last day in that particular dorm room, River was locked in her room all day. This felt like an insult. It was my last day and she couldn’t even, at the very least, see me off? As I was preparing to leave, with a few buddies helping me move my stuff onto a trolley, she finally went outside of her room. While I was doing all this to move on, I still felt butterflies in my stomach when I saw her, which was precisely why I had to go. “Hey guys, could you give us a minute?” I said to my moving buddies; to which they heeded and exited. “What’s up, River?” I said coldly, not meeting her eyes.

“I just… Wanted to give you something before you go.” I raised my eyebrows in surprise, not knowing what to say. She handed me a bar of dark chocolate, the bittersweet kind. “For you to snack on while studying without me.” She squeezed my hand, signaling for me to look at her. As I stared into the eyes that bore deep into my soul, I was taken by surprise once more when she hugged me. Being enveloped in her warmth almost made me want to unpack everything and settle back down with her, but I stayed strong in my conviction. That didn’t mean I wasn’t allowed to hug her back though. 

I hugged her tightly, as if it was my last farewell to her. I didn’t let go for a while. I just stood there, savoring every last second. She pulled away, “Goodbye, Alex.” As I walked out the door, I looked back at her for one last time, “Thank you, River.” I shut the door, knowing it would be a while until I saw her again. The End.