Finding Fern

“Hm, that lemon cake you made is uhm... really uhm… flavorful” Mika lied.

“Hey, its one of those ‘It’s the thought that counts' moment,” I said.

“I must say, you’re lucky that I have some chef blood in me,” He said.

“I’m lucky? That’s humble. What makes you say that?”

“Well I mean, soon we will be out of college, and we can’t rely on the campus crap that we usually eat, so we're going to have to be self-reliant. And to be honest, my lemon cake would kick yours to the ground. My lemon cakes are the Bruce Lees of lemon cakes.”

“Are you saying that were going to move together after college?”

“I mean, I thought that was always the plan.”

“Who said that was the plan?”

“I mean, c’mon Ellie, we’ve been dating for years. What did you think was going to happen?” He asked.

“I thought I was running off to become a voodoo witch doctor in the Caribbean.”

“That sounds like a really sustainable plan, Elle.”

“I thought so.”

“But seriously, I thought we were living together after college.”

“Why would we do that? So we can live in the same house my parents used to live in? So I can get married at the ungodly age of 22?” I asked.

“Well I don’t mean it that way-“

“I don’t want any of that. If things go the way they’re going, I’m going to find myself going gray at 30 from driving your whining children around from soccer practice. I'll come home to find you drunk on the couch and I'll beg you to get therapy for your drinking addiction and you’ll just burp in my face and keep watching hockey,” I said.

“Elle, that’s just a cliché and you know that.”

“But its not. Ill go to one mom group and get addicted to crocheting little sweaters together and soon I’ll be obese because I eat all of my feelings up. Then I'll get a tiny white dog and name it Bella and hide it in my purse when I’m shopping at Walmart.”

“Woah, Elle, nobody said that. I think you’re jumping to conclusions.”

“Why would you ever want to live with me?”

“I mean.. I like spending time with you. Don’t you feel the same way?”

“I guess.”

“I guess?”

“Yeah.”

“I mean.. a relationship is a two-way-street”

“Noooooo not the ‘two-way-street-talk,’” I moaned in agony.

“I'm serious. You’ve known this from the start; I want to marry you. I knew that right after the first date. I've saved for a ring, I've saved for our future. I want like...”

“What?”

“I want a family. I know you don’t, but I want one," He said.

“That’s gross”

“No its not! Its completely normal to want to start a family.”

“Mika, I don’t even know how to cook rice. In a rice cooker. What makes you think I can cook a whole baby in there?” I said

“You don’t cook a baby” He said.

“Same difference.”

“Hey, I have to pass my gorgeous, god-like genes to someone.”

“Nobody needs your ‘god-like’ genes.”

“Are you kidding me? That child would have the slickest jawline ever. Im not saying that my child would be hot, because that’s kindof weird, but I’m saying that my child would be hot," he said.

“Gross.”

`“Nonono I don’t mean it in that way, I mean, the ladies would be all over him. But I’m not saying he must be straight, that’s not what I mean. But I don’t mean he has to be gay either, but I’m `not saying-“

“Quit talking while you’re ahead Mika.”

“Urgh.”

“Hopefully the child doesn’t inherit your wonderful vocabulary.”

“Aha! So, there IS a child.”

“Don’t push it Mika.”

“I’m just saying that its something we should be able to talk about,” He said

“We’re 21 years old Mika,” I said.

“Well I don’t want you to pop one out right now, but can we just play with the idea?”

“Why? Why even flirt with the idea if we both know its not going to happen?”

“I don’t know. Just, never mind. Let’s forget this conversation ever happened.”

“What would you even name it?” I said.

“What?” He asked.

“The baby.”

“Oh. I thought we were moving on Elle.”

“Well I’m curious. What would you name it?”

“Uh that’s a hard one. You’re going to have to give me a moment to think. Uhhhhhhh, I always thought that Fern was a pretty name.”

“Fern? Wow. Now I know we can’t have kids.”

“What?”

“Fern? Like the vegetable?”

“It’s a vascular plant. Like those little plants with the little leaves with those little brown spot things on them?”

“Oh my god we are not naming our nonexistent child after a plant. God that’s disgusting.”

“Well do you have any other ideas of what to name the imaginary child that you refuse to have?”

“I don’t know,” I said.

“Then I think Fern is a very pretty name if I say so myself.” He said.

“Pretty if you’re a plant.”

“Hey, you asked me what I would name it.”

“No, I didn’t,” I protested.

“Yes, you did.”

“Well what if it was a boy? I’m assuming Fern is a lady name.” I asked.

“I can’t tell you that one.” He said.

“Can you not think of a name?”

“I can, but you would make fun of me.”

“Noooo, I wouldn’t. You’re like, my boyfriend or whatever. My whole job is to specifically not make fun of you.”

“Well as your boyfriend or whatever, I certainly see you sure break that little rule a lot.”

  “I swear on the life of my own dead guinea pig; Albert Einswine, I will not make fun of you Mika.”

“Please don’t- “

“I won’t.”

“Please- “

“Mika spit it out.”

“Okayokayokay. I really like the name Kale. For the boy,” He said.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me”

“Hey hey hey you said you wouldn’t make fun of me.”

“We are NOT naming our children after vegetables!”

“FERNS ARE VASCULAR PLANTS ELEANOR. VASCULAR. PLANTS,” he preached.

“Kale rhymes with stale. Imagine the mockery that kid would have at school,” I said.

“Okay well Ellie rhymes with smelly.”

“Hey, my name is Eleanor, like the first lady? YOU call me Ellie.”

“Same difference”

“I have to address the elephant in the room.” He said.

“There is not elephant, I don’t see any elephant. What elephant?”

“Elle, it’s like an overweight elephant has been holding in a sneeze ever since we last spoke,” He said.

“Mika I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Please, I want to know,” He said.

“Mika-“

“Are you worried the kid will have the fibrosis?”

“Mika I said I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Elle, I'm your boyfriend. You can tell me these things. You don’t have to worry when you’re talking to me. Please just open up to me. That’s all I need.”

“Mika-“

“Please, Eleanor.”

“Yeah. I guess I’m a tad bit worried.” I said.

“I could tell.” He said

“Its just, I’ve lived with Cystic Fibrosis my entire life. How could I ever pass it down to anyone else? How could I do that? Its unethical. How could I give that poor little child that experience? I couldn’t live with myself.

How could I give that child all of the pills, the machines, the appointments, how could I give them all of that without feeling like a horrible person?” I said

“It’s a 1 in 4 chance”

“It’s a one in four chance ill be giving my child a death sentence.”

“C’mon elle, don’t say it like that.”

“Its true though. Even if that child is lucky, who’s to say that I won’t be dead by 40?”

“Eleanor, what that doctor said-“

“What he said was true. Most of the cases are six-feet-under by the age of 44”

“But medicine’s always evolving baby, maybe they’ll find a cure”

“You always say that Mika, but saying that doesn’t mean it will auctually happen.”

“So what? Then ill be a single father. Ill learn to braid the kid’s hair. Ill teach it how to cook”

“Stop referring to our imaginary baby as ‘it’”

“Im serious Elle. Let’s play out the worst situation: If hell breaks loose, and I really auctually lose you, I want to keep a part of you around, ya know? I know for a FACT that I’m not going to lose you, I’m so so sure about that.

But.. If I did lose you, maybe that child could give me a little bit of you back.

Maybe that child would bless me. Maybe it would give me back your big-button nose. Maybe it would share your wonderful blue eyes with me for a last time.

Maybe it would have your stubborn attitude. Maybe she will yell at me and slam the door and leave me crying. Maybe he will play football, even though he knows im a hockey fan through and through, and I will resent him for forcing me to come to his games.

And every time he scores a touchdown, and every time she speaks her mind, I will know, thats my Ellie.” He said.

“Mika…” I said

“Look, im not saying that we have to have a kid. I would never force you to do that. But just know that I would pour just as much love into it as I do to you. No disease could ever change that.”

“I guess Fern isn’t a completely horrible name.” I said.

“Yeah?”

“Do you think she will be smart?” I asked.

“The smartest.”

“Do you think she will be kind?” I asked.

“Shed better be.”

“I think we should paint her room like, a sortof minty green color. But a very light minty green.” I said

“Okay, done and done.”

“I want to stay around long enough to teach her the piano.” I said.

“I want you to stay around long enough to teach them the difference between condo and condemn”

“HEY MIKA IT WAS THAT ONE TIME.” I yelled.

“I know I know I just thought it was funny.”

“You would be a wonderful dad.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah. I don’t think you would be as crappy as dads usually are.”

“Wow that’s the best complement I've gotten in a while. ‘Not AS crappy.’ I should put that in my resume. ‘Not AS crappy as the other guys,” he said.

“I don’t want you to be a single dad. I know that they get a lot of credit and become these ‘parenting heroes’ and empathetic ladies will come flocking to your bed after meeting you in bars, but I don’t want you raising out kid with anyone else. I really don’t. I don’t care if that’s selfish or mean. It doesn’t matter to me.” I said.

“Hey hey hey, we don’t have to worry about that. You know why? Because you’re here today. And you’ll be here tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that. And in 30 years? It doesn’t matter. Hell, I could be the voodoo witch doctor in the Caribbean for all I know” He said.

“Are you going to wear like, one of those top hats and an ankle length skirt and carry a staff with a skull on it?”

“Oh, you KNOW I will baby” He said. “And when you join that mom group, I’ll slap those croquet needles out of your hand and let you know that you can’t start becoming a knitter.”

“Wait isn’t croquet a sport?”

“Hell if I know.”

“Hey,” I said.

“I love you,” this, we said in complete unison.