The Climb

I rolled over in bed and stretched. I laid there, eyes fluttering, trying to fully wake up. I felt different today. Not quite so heavy. My stomach growled. Was I actually hungry? I looked around the room and noticed sunlight squeezing through the slits in the blinds. How long had it been since I had noticed that? 

I reached over to pick up my phone from the nightstand. 10:32 am. I also had 14 missed calls and 27 unopened texts. Well, that was going to take a while. 

Making my way to the bathroom, I noticed that my body ached less than it had before. As I switched on the light, I caught sight of myself in the mirror. That wasn’t pretty. My greasy hair stuck out in all directions and a lock was plastered to the side of my face. I felt like I could (and should) shower today. I turned on the water to let it warm up and sat down to pee. I opened my texts on my phone and answered them all with a single message, copied and pasted:

“I am ok. Have been sleeping a lot the last few days. My heart was heavy and my mind was whirring. It wouldn’t stop. I think I’m coming back from the brink today. Getting ready to shower.”

I set the phone down and sighed. Just sending that text made me feel tired again. I made my way into the shower hoping to get myself washed before the exhaustion hit again. I washed my hair, seemingly in slow motion. I turned the water a little hotter and sat on the bench in the shower, letting the hot water wash over me. I could feel a slight level of comfort returning, just a peek of it. 

I still didn’t have the energy for much self care. My legs would continue to be hairy but at least I was clean. I towel dried my hair and ran the brush through it. Throwing it into a ponytail, I headed back to the bedroom. Did I have the energy to put on a bra? Maybe the cotton “sleep bra” that I kept with my pjs. Yeah that was easy enough. It hooked in the front with minimal effort. I slid on a baggy tee and some sweatpants and headed to the kitchen. 

I still felt like I was moving in slow motion, in a fog. I almost felt like I was in a dream or something. 

I placed a piece of bread in the toaster and set my tea to steep. Knowing the tea would take a few minutes and feeling tired again, I sat down on the kitchen floor, leaning against the cabinet, hoping I would be able to get back up when my tea was done. My body still hurt, my mind was still a chaotic, whirring mess but at least both were less severe now. At least I could actually attempt to get something to drink. I had been so thirsty for the past few days but you would be amazed at how much energy it takes to sit up in bed and open a water bottle. 

My mind wandered back and I remembered the pain, the heaviness in my chest. I remembered the absolute torture of not being able to shut my mind off. The thoughts would just keep going and going, all of the “what if’s?” and the “If I had only’s”. I tried to force my mind to think about something else but it just wouldn’t work. I prayed so hard for it to change. In the beginning of the episode I tried to distract myself by turning on funny sitcoms or trying to read but my attention span was literally two minutes. And then my brain would shift back and I would be in hell again. I sighed and glanced up at the counter. It looked like my tea was done. 

I knew my toast was cold by now too. Oh well. 

I got up, slowly.

I poured my tea over ice and grabbed my cold toast. I tried spreading some butter on it. It spread but didn’t melt into it. That was okay. I wasn’t sure I could eat the whole thing anyway. 

I carried my cup and the toast on a napkin to the door that led to the side porch. I stood there, staring at the door for a moment. Did I really want to be outside? Or did I want to put my cup and toast down and crawl back into bed, hiding under the dark covers? I felt like it was hard to breathe. I felt so exhausted. 

“Stop! Just stop! You are feeling better today! This is passing! Just keep moving forward...just one more step!” I yelled to myself in my head. A tear escaped carving a path down my cheek and dripping off of my chin. 

Shifting the toast to the hand with the tea, I reached for the door knob, the coldness of it feeling almost painful to the nerves in my hand. I slowly opened the door. Looking at my feet, I forced myself to take a single step onto the porch. 

Instantly I felt the sunlight hit my skin, my feet felt the warmth beneath them. I closed my eyes and took a deep, slow breath, letting the heat of the sun soak in, letting it pull me out of my dark pit. I needed this so much! I began to cry tears of relief, tears streamed down my face, sobs escaped my lips. 

“Thank you, God. Thank you! Thank you!” I whispered, my voice strained and cracked from the tears. I sank down to the floor and just let go, let the tears continue to flow. But these were therapeutic tears. These were tears of relief, thankfulness, and gratitude. I had been in the valley and now I was coming up the other side. I had survived. And God was hugging me with the sun.