Not by Design

The path is narrow. It winds into the relative darkness, lit only by the faint light of a wilting moon. It is bordered by alien flora, waist high, spindly yet tough. The air is still. It is warm. Silence. I hear my heart beat. My breath is ragged. I focus on controlling my breathing. I look over my shoulder. Have I been followed? Of course not, it's just the paranoia. Is this what I have been searching for? Will I find it? After all these years will my journey end? I am scared and I am cautious. I am drawn forth, tempted by an uneasy reluctance. One hesitant step entices another as I feel the boundaries of my fear. I have been searching for a sign. A sign that assures me everything is going to be okay. That there is life… well, I'm not sure I really know what sign I'm looking for. Not any more. It hasn't been easy, I have suffered, and I am weary. Life has worn me thin. 

I have my critics, though none harsher than myself. I reconsider their taunts, and while their advice is reasonably valid, I can heed it no more than it suits my purpose. They remind me that it is not wise to search for meaning in objects. I know that it is not sustainable to expect the tangible nature of the world to satisfy the intangible qualities of spirit, yet I must know. I must find meaning out there, somewhere. There is a piece of me missing. Lost. Abstract and indistinct. I have searched within. I have raked my fingers over every inch of my soul, and I have failed to find it. Therefore, I know, for it was an ill-timed epiphany that led me to this path, that my destiny awaits. I will find what I have been searching for. Finally, I will be complete. 

The ground is hard. Sure-footed, and with a determined stride I step into the unknown. A sudden sense of dread permeates every hair follicle on my body. I scan the darkness. Every shadow sends shivers down my spine. Every noise causes me to stop, and listen with an inventive ear. It wasn't long before I became lost in my thoughts. 

My childhood was normal, or at least as normal as can be expected. I was an average student at best, showing some talent in writing and turning my hand to poetry. It was immature and vague, qualities which are still attributed to me, by some. I absorbed context, and was once told that I could sum up the virtues of morality and immorality in a phrase. Despite my acquaintances, I didn't have many close friends, as I preferred my own company. Still do. However, I grew to be a functional member of society. Introspective and considerate of both my feelings and those of others. I displayed the characteristics of citizenship and held my position in society with some degree of status. Till one morning, I was beset with a feeling, a need.

There was no justification for me to be consumed by such a need, yet consumed I was. I followed this need wherever it led me. At times it was insistent, ill-tempered, and demanded to be sated, though for long periods it lay dormant. The older I get the more the need grows. It lives inside of me, has taken root and seeded. It is a thirst that cannot be quenched. A lust that will never be satisfied. Feelings are not empty, it's the shapes they take, that leaves me alone and wanting more. Still, I search. 

Life has been unkind to me. No. That is not true, I am my worst enemy. My choices have been shallow and ill-considered. These have left me wandering the intangible tightrope that strings my thoughts together. I am searching for meaning, for belonging. I believe the answers/solutions to the discontent I'm feeling will soon be discovered. I have followed the signs. I have followed them all. The colours, the words, and the objects. They are interconnected, and tend to the same feeling. The same feeling that has led me here tonight. 

The path winds itself disconcertedly through a barren landscape. The sky is vast. The night is littered with stars, radiant and mysterious. The extent to which all matters of life extend beyond the realms of our experiences give form to my reality. The totality of all I have known is surpassed by what I don't know. 

I am gripped by fear. The end is near. The path narrows. I sense someone or something behind me. I turn. Sweating. Panting. The path has vanished. It no longer exists. Where am I? What is happening? I walk backward. My back to the future and my face to the past. It dawns on me. I have always lived my life with an eye to the past, ignorant of my future. I was concerned about who I was then, not who I shall become. My heart is racing. I turn, step and stumble. Falling heavily, I stand, dust off my hands and clothes, and look over my shoulder. I sense dread, and run. 

I take long strides, and falter before I gain some rhythm. The path winds through a thicket like a snake escaping on grass. I look over my shoulder and my eyes expand in terror as the path disappears with every passing step. I cross a shallow creek and run up a rocky incline. I reach the crest of a rise and spot a light. It is dull, yet its existence is evident beneath a pale grey light. I burst into a clearing, and my momentum is too great. I fall again. Opening my eyes, I look up at the light. What I thought was a light, was indeed a sign. The sign. White with black trim. Two words in black font. Bold. Capitalised. I read them once then I read them again. I look to my left and then to my right. I stand and look behind me. I am enclosed. Encircled. I have followed all the signs towards my destiny. Then, solemnly I realise what I have been pursuing all these years. 

Immortality. 

I hear a whisper. At first, I couldn't make out what was being said. All is quiet. I am not fearful. My breathing is normal. The voice again. It takes me a moment to gather my thoughts before I turn to look at the sign. I tilt my head to the right. Tears fall decidedly from my eyes and run delicately down my cheeks. As light filters through the darkness and splinters into fragments of a new dawn, two words glare ominously at a conscience I can't defend. 

DEAD END!