Sun and shadow

Suffering. The term used to describe what one could only describe as the pain which human beings have to go through. I think we’ve all suffered, somehow, our shared pain is often what makes us realise what really matters. I’ll never forget what that means to me.

It was the warmest of days when everything went wrong, the type that made your heart dance and a shroud of lazy peace cloud your vision. I lay in the back garden, the soft bed of grass gently cradling me where I gazed up into the endless blue sky. The sun was high above, casting its bright, welcoming rays onto my face and shrouding my home in it’s protective light. I recall meandering along to the park hours beforehand, the enthusiastic golden retriever known as Lulu galloping alongside me, her fur waving in ripples as she sprinted through the quiet, unbothered streets. When my phone began to ring, I had only just risen from my daydreams as clouds cast spells on my dazed mind, desiring to quench my sudden thirst.

Lulu cocked her head. I felt a stirring in my stomach as if something were dreadfully wrong. “Arthur” I murmured the name of my fiancé under my breath as I read his contact name, leaving my phone to vibrate ominously in my hand where I stood. ”Hello?” I spoke into the phone clearly and voicing the confusion reflected on my agreeable dog’s face. “Is this Miss Rivera?” at the unfamiliar voice, Lulu stirred uneasily. I clenched my teeth. Arthur was the one to help me in a time where my anxiety caused me to fear everything. Imagine feeling as if a constant shadow were clutching to your brain and then perhaps you will grasp the way I once was. Because of this, I did my best not to catastrophize why my Arthur was not the one speaking to me. “That’s right! who’s this?” I replied as cheerily as I could, remembering my manors as Lulu pressed her great soft head against knees, causing me to sway a little before regaining my balance. “I’m so sorry miss. I regret to inform you that your fiancé is dead.” The pressure on my legs became too much and I fell, clumsily to the ground.

“You must be mistaken-“ I began weakly as I scrambled for the phone, tears already choking at the edges of my eyes and my heart beating so swiftly I thought I may die myself. “-Car crash.” I hadn‘t been listening to what the man calling me was saying, his voice was not the soothing recognisable voice of the man I loved. He meant nothing. But I did grasp those two words. Car. Crash. I swallowed deeply, resisting the urge to scream into the phone. The light of the sun was gone, I was encased in a powerful dome which reflected all of the beauty and comfort that could be offered, surrounding me in despair. I ended the call.

The loss of Arthur hit me like a train. The rest of my summer was spent sleeping, or slowly crawling from the protection of my room to eat or sleep. Very occasionally, I’d shower. Lulu was the hardest to be around. Her existence, in a way, was like my sun. She wailed each night for the man who brought her into the loving arms of the house would not come home each night. She sat. Waiting. Sometimes I would shout at her. “You stupid dog! Don’t you see? He’s never coming back. Not ever!” While sobbing as Lulu‘s gentle and kindly eyes stared up at me in dismay. “You won’t be able to feel him, or touch him or smell him. Ever again” by this point I too was wailing as helplessly as she. I had relatives of course, but I didn’t want to see anyone. Somehow it felt better alone. Sometimes they would offer me those speeches. “Hope. Have hope”. I began to resent hope so intensely that I wouldn’t stand such talk. Hope is what Arthur thought would always protect us. Arthur is dead.

You may be wondering what relevance my misery is to a good story. Why the sun must shine when the world suddenly decides it’s time for you to suffer. Well, something changed in my mind and that is what matters. It was a long time before I started to accept my loss. I started to try to admire the little things in life. I became so enchanted by the very existence of things that I would suddenly reach out and touch the objects around me for they existed. They we’re real.

In the end, Lulu helped me a lot too. She spent most nights bundled onto the bed with me, ignoring the sweltering heat of the summer which caused me to sweat heavily for it was more secure for both of us to feel the presence of life. Watching her run through fields of flowers, her tail waving in time with the dancing flowers swaying rhythmically to the light breeze brought me joy. But I still could not grasp the concept of hope anymore. Wherever it once was, it was lost forever.

Or so I thought.

One night, a year or so after the loss of Arthur, I lay curled up on the sofa of my small bedroom. I moved after what happened to the sea, so that I could watch the waves writhe and shake with anger as I felt the unfairness of my situation shake and infuriate me too. Snow fell heavily out of the window, the darkness of the night a reassuring kind of black while the only light came from the flickering flames of the red hot fire by the tv. I found myself thinking back to my first Christmas with him. We watched the snow fall while Lulu, a small puppy then, stumbled clumsily outside to feel the sensation of cold flakes of the stuff. No two are alike. I could feel the tears in my eyes as they silently dripped onto my lap, taking care to avoid letting it hit Lulu’s resting head. Something happened that night which was quite miraculous.

A blinding light seared through my skull, causing me to cry out in fear and confusion. In moments, the pain flashed away. I blinked around, my vision blurred. Everything was white. My surroundings were an endless expanse of eternal space. Except for one thing. The figure of a man, approximately 5’9 but always claiming to be 6’0 with dark black hair and twinkling grey eyes. I swallowed. I had dreamt of him before this. It felt much more real.

“Sophie?!” He called out to me in genuine surprise mixed with various other deep, complicated emotions. I took a tentative step back. “This is just another dream”. I released the breath I had been holding and gasped as he rushed over, bundling me up into his arms and lifting my up a little while laughing his beautiful, hopeful laugh. “Arthur-“ I stammered with a mixture of glee and doubt. I felt him. Not like when you imagine touching someone. I felt him. The smell of soap and freshly cut grass, the warm embrace of his strong arms. I felt it.

“How?”. I whispered.

”Who cares!” He laughed. ”We have so much to talk about“

I only spent about a day there. There was a sense of peace by the end of it which I cannot describe to you unless you too have met in that inbetween. Arthur told me he was safe. He promised that there was always something after life and people just needed to look for the signs. Are loved ones are always there.

always.

And... no matter how much things hurt. Hope promises you that they will get better. Things go wrong, people don’t deserve it but they do. And in the words of Arthur “who cares” because when you get that moment. Your moment. And you realise that there is no ending, only temporary separation, you know you can get through anything. Because in the end you’ll find them. Hope promises a happy ending, whose to say what the middle will bring.

I feel a sense of frailness now. Lulu joined Arthur a lot time ago but I remember the realness of our meeting every time I lose faith in humanity. I have had a good life. I’ve smiled and laughed and danced and now I am old. I used to fear aging and growing up, but now I feel peace. Everything is growing black, I can see nothing. I can no longer feel the hand of my sister clutching my own.

I am awake. I glance around, hopeful to see my beloved Arthur and forever loyal Lulu. It’s no longer blinding white, instead there’s a door, oak and smelling like fresh paint. My body feels young again, like I’m 23 and I stretch my legs in pleasure to be able to move them again. Somehow, I know where I’m going. I swing open the door. And I step out into the sunlight.