Dear Diary

Dear diary, 

Here it is, yet another night that I look over to see the clock glowing, in blue, 3:00 am. It's day 21 inside, I think. No outside communication except for online or work, which I'm supposed to feel blessed for. Ha! So blessed!

Groceries are running low and so are my funds. Bills have been put aside for now so I can make sure my family is provided for. 

Now, I'm laying here, stressed and terrified. What is going to happen to us? Will we make it through this? All of us? I don't want to go on without a loved one.

Outside is a virus taking over our lives. The world has shut down. We are instructed to only go out for necessities. People are dying all over the world and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it but pray. 

Pray, is all I seem to do anymore. I wonder, though, if God is pleased in all the prayers or sad that so many forgot about him until now? 

People are doubting the government. Some are accusing China. They are wearing masks and gloves to try and protect themselves. We are asked to stand 6 feet away from anyone else. Tape marks the floors of essential businesses to condition people to keep their distance.

The hand sanitizer, toilet paper, Lysol, and antibacterial wipes are sold out everywhere. Now food is starting to give. Bread, milk, and meats are clearing out as quickly as they hit the shelves.

Essential workers, like myself, are overwhelmed. We have been disrespected by people that are angry that we sold out of toilet paper days ago. We are way underpaid as it is, yet our lives are the first at risk. We are made to believe that we are fortunate to still have a job and we are helping others survive. I don't feel very fortunate when I'm standing on the isle, surrounded by people, who are possible carriers of this virus, reaching over me because they absolutely have to have that sanitizer.

What about my life? I literally brought home a $170 check last week. For what? To be yelled at, coughed on, aggravated all day long with phone calls after phone calls asking if we have this or have that, and having people walk in my store at closing time demanding to enter, all while I'm nudging everyone else out the door? 

Do they not comprehend that I still have another hour and a half to work on cleaning and stocking up just to do it all again tomorrow? For them? So they will have and not get sick! My life and my family's lives mean nothing while I'm forced to carry on working in awful circumstances. Catering to a lot of ungrateful people. 

"I should be blessed," they say. "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" I just want to roll my eyes out loud. Blessed? One woman said that to me and I just replied: “yes mam, I am blessed”. All while secretly wanting to punch her in the throat because she's part of the problem, in my store for a bag of candy and a soda. "So glad my life is worth a bag of candy and a soda". 

Yes, I'm blessed. Blessed I haven't caught anything nor have I taken this mess home to my family. By the way, my son has asthma. That makes jeopardizing my life, for someone to buy their needs, a little less important to me. Why is it so hard to stay home? 

And while these people are out shopping because they are bored or they have a sweet tooth, I'm not getting paid enough to support myself much less anyone else. By the way, I live with 3 other people who are all out of work. Guess who has to buy the food for four on my less than $200 a week check? You guessed it, me!

Here is the kicker; we were asked to stay home, if you must go out, only do so for things that can't wait. Wash your hands, keep your distance, cover your mouth, all the things we were taught in elementary school.

Because people can't listen, people die. It's really so simple that it makes no sense to not do as we are told. Workers like myself are at risk of getting sick or taking this virus back to our loved ones. All for chump change.

I wonder if anyone even comprehends that you can have this virus up to 14 days before you ever get a symptom? So while they think everything is ok because they aren't sick, they continue to casually shop around the store, unknowingly passing a terrible virus to many more innocent people.

I really hope when this is all over that people realize how important retail workers are. We have always been looked down on, underappreciated by customers and employers. Underpaid big time. Only allowed so many hours of work. Overworked in the hours allotted because we are expected to get the work of 20 done by 10 or less.

We don't just stand at a register and count money. We keep the shelves stocked. We throw out the food, medications, and anything else once the expiration date hits. We clean, provide, assist, and all with a smile because most of us love our customers and our jobs but we grow tired of not having the money to pay our bills. We get tired of being underappreciated, overworked, and expected way more than we are paid for.

As I lay awake again tonight, stressing about how I'm going to survive this, I will say my prayers, trust my God, and try to get a couple of hours of sleep so I can serve the few people who show their appreciation, again tomorrow. 

My check comes in a couple more days. Another disappointment. How do I pay my bills? Buy food? Keep my car? No insurance? No car! No car? No job! No job? No food! No food? We die! Damn! I can't sleep!! 

Here it is, another night awake. Laying here in my thoughts. Will this ever end?

        Talk to you tomorrow night. I'm sure I'll be here awake again. Love, 

                  Brandi