Not Here Tomorrow

Kimberly crossed her legs and sat down beside Alex, as they both watched the splendid sunrise. The golden and the orange blended perfectly to form a majestic scenery, the young sunlight reflecting from the dewy grass blades kindling the very essence of beauty. 

"I thought you would be over me by now." Alex murmured gently, squeezing her hand. 

"I... don't think I'll ever be able to do that." Kimberly replied, nostalgic and remorseful. 

"But you promised me," his voice was even as he tilted his head to look her in the eye, pinning her under the intensity of his fiery gaze, "didn't you?" 

"I did, Alex. But I quickly realized I can't, and have been making promises of what is... impossible." 

Alex fumed at what he just heard. How could she be so unreasonable? Her condition was worsening. She needed to stop this or only God knew what would happen to her. 

"Its not good for you, Kimberly. You have to let me go." He exclaimed in frustration. 

"You are asking me to let go of the only thing that is keeping me alive." She chuckled bitterly. 

He shook his head vigorously. "The only thing keeping you alive is your own willpower, not me. I'm just a sick..." 

"NO!" She silenced him, "Just don't say anything. I will go insane if I even try to give up on you..."

"Not more than you are already!" The words spilled out even before he could fully grasp what he was about to say, and his heart crushed at the sight of her sad face that was masked with every bit of genuine hurt. She turned away from him and simply stared at the glorious view in front of her. 

Why was she hurting herself like that? Get over....get over.... She felt dizzy and held her head in her hands, massaging her temple. This love would drive her crazy. A daisy under her ankle tickled her toe, distracting her from her momentary regrets. She stroked its petals gently and remembered how Alex loved collecting their petals and hiding them in his pockets. 

She remembered how he had narrated her the whole story on Christmas five years back. 

"When I was little, I plucked these petals one day and collected them in my pocket, wanting to gift these to my mother. I eventually forgot that, and she nearly freaked out for a second the next day when she took my pants to the laundry and the petals got deposited on her feet out of nowhere." 

Kimberly had laughed too, imagining what the poor lady might have looked and felt like owing to the sudden offering of crumpled petals. Since then, she and Alex had developed a habit of doing that - they would collect daisy petals and Kimberly would keep them all wrapped in a little silk handkerchief her late aunt had gifted her when she was in kindergarten. No matter how dry they would get, she wouldn't remove them. The petals were like just another embodiment of Alex himself, and she wasn't willing to part with him in any form. 

The daisy petals were now in her palm as she cocked her head to the left. Alex was gone. She sighed and got up as well, promenading towards her apartment.  

.

She had to meet her doctor today. Another hectic appointment that would mess up her mood and make her curse her very own, sad existence. She could not relax even on Sunday. 

It was 9 by the time she got back from the park where she would meet Alex daily. She desperately wanted to move on from him, but she had driven herself insane in the process. If only tragedy had never beholden them. If only he had not left her in the first place. If only, if only. So many if only's, no going back and no solutions.  

Her appointment with Dr. Samantha was scheduled for 10:15- which meant she had enough time to get the grocery and then get ready. The ringing phone caught her attention and she answered it without even caring to notice who was calling her. 

"Hello?" 

"Kim darling? How are you?" 

"I'm fine, mother. What about you?" She replied in a drained voice. 

"Just okay, but I'm worried. What does your doctor say?" 

Kimberly sighed. She knew it would come to this. It always did. 

"I have an appointment today." She tried to divert the topic.

"How is the latest report? You told me the doctor had recommended..." 

"I haven't recieved it as yet, mother. I'd get it today." Kimberly lied. 

"Uh is that so? Okay, inform me as soon as you recieve it." 

"Sure, mother."  

"And Kimberly....take care! I know its really hard for you to get over it all, but you need to. You need to take care of your health." 

Kimberly could taste the trepidation in her mother's voice as she nearly cried over the phone, and couldn't help the pang of remorse that crossed her heart. She hated seeing her mother like this, that's why she lied to her about the report as well. Her mother was old and lived with her sick grandmother, and Kimberly could already guess that the caring old lady would spend hours crying if she came to know that the disease was developing and even the medicines had done her no good. Kimberly herself - could not recognize herself in the mirror anymore. Her eyes had black bags under them and she was in severe depression for reasons that she herself didn't know of. And as it was - it felt like all the medicines she was taking were actually being thrown into a drain where they would just dissolve in the dirty water - thus doing no good. 

Her doctor would tell her, "Only you can overcome this. Only your own mindpower can...." and that was all she would do. Spew bullshit till Kimberly's ears didn't start bleeding. Sighing, she checked the time and realized that she was already too late to do the groceries now and would have to rush to the hospital if she didn't want to miss her appointment. 

.

She spent the minimum time she could to get ready and quickly rushed out of her apartment, jogging downstairs and towards the Main Street. If she was lucky enough and the city wouldn't have reached gridlock, she would easily find a taxi to the doctor's clinic that was about 2 miles from where she lived. She was sprinting down the street when her phone rang again, and exasperated to no end, she fished it out of her purse, shielding the screen in a futile attempt to make out the caller's name in the bright sunlight. Unbeknownst to her, she was in the middle of the street, and by the time her mind could register the honking of the car that was speeding towards her, it was too late. Her eyes widened as she saw her approaching death and her breath was caught in her throat. Sbe screamed and covered her face, awaiting and dreading the impact but felt none. The commotion all around her brought her back to her senses and her blood ran cold at the sight of the terrible accident that had occurred in the span of a mere few seconds. The car had averted its direction in order to protect her and instead collided with a truck. 

Tears filled Kimberly's eyes at the realization of what had happened because of her and she ran towards the car, her hands shaking. She wriggled her way through the crowd as the siren of ambulances boomed through the street. And as she came to gaze upon the heavily injured couple that was in the car originally, something in her brain snapped. 

Flashbacks appeared before her eyes, and she felt like her temple was being pricked with sharp needles.  

She could see herself and Alex in place of the moribund couple.

"He's not breathing." 

"Her temporal lobe is heavily swollen." 

"We are losing him!" 

"She will live, but she has suffered brain damage...." 

"He is dead." 

.

Kimberly stood by the lake in the park. It was midnight and the only sound to be heard was the cacophony of buzzing crickets. The sky was bright and the moon was shining - its reflection in the clear water paired with the bright stars forming a divine, heavenly ambience. 

She did not visit her doctor. She did not need to. The simple replay of events that had once happened to her brought it all back. For the first time in 2 years, since the accident, she felt sane. 

Schizophrenia was what all her reports chanted. Alex's death had affected her so bad that she had become a hollow shell of a person - and to keep her alive - her brain created scenarios in her head where he would be alive. She would imagine him, and talk to him for hours. Then there came a time when her own imagination started asking her to move on, and now she finally could. 

She inhaled a deep breathe of relief, for she knew, that after this, she would never have to visit her psychiatrist again. She closed her eyes and felt the gale hit her face, caressing her with its tenderness. Her hand went towards her pocket, and she pulled out the silken handkerchief in which she had collected daisy petals in his memory ever since he had died. 

"Alex, today I severe the earthly bond we had." She whispered, "This love already cost us too much." 

With this, she gently threw the petals in the lake, all the while saying, "Meet you in heaven, Alex. And I'll always love you, but not like this. I'll live - I'll live for you." 

She wasn't sure of her own feelings at the moment. It felt like she was both happy and sad. Happy to be able to redeem herself at last. And sad for... ending her most beautiful fantasy. She opened her eyes and gazed into the waters, Alex right beside her. 

She didn't fret, her eyes didn't widen. She just smiled. Parts of Schizophrenia, parts of his real spirit - that was what it was. "I severe out bond, but I'll always love you." Kimberly said, and felt his reflection fading away. 

There was an unusual ache in her heart, but she felt free. Admiring the serene beauty and the sheer white, rippled reflection of the moon in the clear waters, she said,

"I hope you'd no longer be here tomorrow, Alex."