Hidden Light in Shadows

The sun hasn’t shown in one-hundred years. The light was long ago blocked out by human over-consumption and pollution. As a child my mother would tell me stories of a foreign heat that would radiate from the sky. I would imagine myself standing on a hill looking out over a vast land, lit up by the light as far as I could see. Little fur covered animals would dart back and forth across the hill. A flower covered tree with a swing fashioned to a low hanging branch would sway in the breeze. I would imagine my mother’s description of warmth tickling my skin as I snuggled into my blankets. She would kiss me on the head and whisper, “Creada, have faith, look out for the light, sleep tight and let it guide you from your plight” every night before I drifted off to dream of her fairytale world.

I’ve never seen land before, other than in the few illustrations hung in the Light and Land archives hall. Maybe my mother added fantastical elements to her stories for my benefit. I don’t see how a ball of gas makes colors in the sky, how water droplets form floating white pillars in the sky, or how the light would make food grow. We’ve had food for a hundred years without the light. My mother’s stories of beasts great and small, naked and furred are another topic I’m sure she concocted for my amusement. I would often wonder if the land would also change colors with the light’s mood. Does the light hurt the way fire does? I had an active imagination and unending questions as a child.

But I am grown now. No one has seen the light in years. I don’t have the energy to mull up questions and childish fantasies anymore. I push those thoughts and memories aside as I shuffle down the narrow, dank corridor to my duty station. Another eighteen hours of laundering duty uniforms. This shift, I’m assigned to scrubbing a pungent, black ichor from week old trousers. The smell of the ichor elicits a gag as the chemical burns my eyes and nose. I repress my repulsion as I plunge my hands into the slimy muck. I won’t be getting this smell off of my skin or curls for a week, I sigh. And I won’t have time to scrub the ichor off my skin, change my clothes and douse myself in scented oils before the Counsel’s special announcement meeting after my shift has ended. I guess I’ll, once again, be lingering on the wall with the rest of the lower stationed workers. At least then my odor will meld into theirs until the source is unrecognizable. 

I wiped the sweat from my forehead with the back of my arm, smudging ichor down the side of my face as I made my way toward the corridor. Tahir was leaning casually against the wall waiting for me. The exhaustion of eighteen hours of work melted away as I took in Tahir’s tall, lean muscled body. His swooping black hair that clung to the edges of his perfectly squared jaw accented the one-sided grin he gave me as I approached him. “You look like you took a roll in the sewer” Tahir joked as he smudged the ichor down my face before brushing stray strands of loose curls from my face. “And smell like it too” he laughed. “And you, as usual, are a prick, Tahir” I countered before placing a kiss on those full lips.

Tahir and I took our places quietly on the wall at the back. No one acknowledged our presence, to my satisfaction, or seemed to notice the stench above all the other marrying smells. As per usual, the meeting drug on and on for what seemed like unending hours. I couldn’t decipher anything The Council were announcing from the distraction of Tahir’s arm brushing against mine. Only the occasional few words would register, “Not safe”, “still toxic”, “further food rationing” and the occasional hacking cough of another citizen.

The Council finally wrapped up the meeting, exiting through back doors in a sea of billowing blue robes before the citizens departed. Tahir took my hand in his. The scratch of calluses from years of laboring in the iron mill tickled my palms. He looked at me sidelong before we dashed down an empty corridor towards the large air vent in the wall. Our make-shift jig was still safely tucked behind a loose brick in the wall. Tahir and I have been exploring the shafts and taverns beyond the compound vents for years. We found our secret place when we were children. The tick of dripping water lured us to the warm pool of water dripping down the side of stone in an underground cavern. “The cavern must be fed by fresh air from the compound and closed off from the toxic air outside,” Tahir had concluded.

As children it was our secret, safe haven and play house. We would spend hours swimming, laughing, splashing and dreaming of a world beyond our own. Now it served a different purpose, reserved for secret lovers and stolen kisses. A small chamber all our own, away from prying eyes where he and I could forget our worries and get lost in each other’s bodies.

Tahir scooped water into a bucket for me to clean myself without sullying the pool. I scraped soap and a soapstone across my arms, peeling the ichor from my skin layer by layer. Small rudimentary candles lit and lining the rocks around the pool cast a yellow glow around Tahir’s chiseled torso and accenting small burn marks scattered across his body. He lounged on a rock patiently waiting for me. Chuckling when I would get frustrated with the ichor refusing to peel from my skin. Tahir padded silently over to me, taking the soap and stone in his hand he turned me around “let me help you” he whispered against my neck. Small goose bumps travelled down my arms as his hot breath caressed my skin. “Washing is so much more fun when you’re not doing it alone”.

Hours went by lost in each other’s embrace. The warm water licking away the sweat from our entanglement. Weariness was starting to resurface from the ever-increasing duty hours. The weight of Tahir pressed my back firmly against the cool stone sending a shocking contrast swirling down my spine. It was a nice contrast to the heat still throbbing between my legs. Wrapped in his arms I almost forgot about my hopelessness and exhaustion.

Resting my head against the chilled stone, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Tahir laced sweet kisses down my throat saying barely above a whisper, “Why so quiet today?” I couldn’t put my feelings into words. I was just simply empty. I had been hollowed for a long time, since my mother passed and probably before then, too. But today felt different. I had given up hope that the Council would have better news of the outside and had come to expect increasing rations. But even expecting it, it just hit differently this time.

Opening my eyes, I let my jaw go lax, hoping the feelings would turn to words and float out on a breath. I stared blankly at the stone ceiling of our safe place. A small light flicked on and off. I must be exhausted if I’m seeing things now too. But the light flicked again. I blinked back the exhaustion and squinted to look again. It was still there. A small hair-line crack the size of a finger nail glinted like a candle.

“Do you see that?” I said as I shoved away Tahir’s kisses. “I see you. What else could I want to see?” He said reaching for me again. I pushed his hand away, annoyed at his one-track mind. “No, Tahir, I’m telling you I just saw something on the ceiling. Like a flashing little light on the ceiling. It’s never been there before.” “This again, Creada? There is nothing there. There is no more light. I know you want it to be there and if it were then in a way your mother would still be with you through her fantasies. But it was just a story and riddle of a dreamer.” He replied. “How dare you,” I yelped shoving him away more forcibly now. “It’s not some story of a raving lunatic.”

Stalking from the pool I snatched up my clothes and strode towards the narrow exit. The ground slammed into my face. Looking around in confusion I saw the brown rope sticking out of the ground. “What is this?” I said. Tahir approached, stifling a laugh. He bent down and ran a callused hand over the protrusion. “Hmm, that is weird. I’ve never seen anything like it. It almost looks like the depictions of a plant root from the old world. But it can’t be. Creada, don’t go there right now. I’m sure there is a perfectly sensible explanation.” “You’re right, Tahir, there is a perfectly sensible explanation and I’m going to find exactly what that is.”

We walked back to our quarters in silence. The only sound my mother’s words replaying in my mind on repeat, “Creada, have faith, look out for the light, sleep tight and let it guide you from your plight.” Tomorrow I would find the answers. Tomorrow I would show Tahir that my mother wasn’t raving. He would see. There were still unexplored vents to explore. If we could find the pool then maybe those shafts could lead to more answers.

The morning alarms came quickly. I jumped from my cot and slipped into my ratty trousers. Tahir was already waiting for me in the corridor. “I already checked both of us out of duty today.” I told him. “Tahir ran his hands over his face. “Is this about the exhaustion hallucination from last night? Please tell me this isn’t about that?” He pleaded. “That’s exactly what this is about. But if it helps then think of it as reliving our childhood years because today, we are going through the air shafts we haven’t explored yet. You can just think of it as an adventure” I told him.

We made our way to a smaller shaft at the end of an unused corridor. After prying the cover off we crawled through the small opening. “Well, at least I get a nice view.” Tahir chuckled. This shaft wasn’t like the other shafts. This one was smaller and angled steeply upward. Bracing my hands on the sides of the cold vent we started our ascent. The shaft seemed to go on forever. Finally, it stopped. I looked around for any crossing shafts or intake fans from the air room. Nothing. Just a steep drop into nothing.

Sighing, I braced myself for my potential death as I let go and plunged towards the ground. To my surprise and gratitude, the fall wasn’t more than eight feet. Tahir was still in the shaft calling out to me, “Creada? Oh my God. Creada! Please answer me. Are you alright?” “I’m alright.” I called back. “It’s a short drop. Just jump down here.”

Tahir landed with a soft thud next to me. “Is it just me or does this space feel like it’s more open?” Tahir whispered. “Let me find my light.” I said as I fished my pop-up lantern out of my back pocket. The room was bigger. Much bigger. My arms couldn’t touch both walls outstretched. There was no space this big in all the compound aside from the Councils meeting hall. At the end of the room ahead we spotted a small wooden door. “Now, that’s strange.” Tahir said to no one in particular. “Who would put a random room and door in the middle of nowhere?”

“That’s exactly the kind of thing I plan to find out.” I said as I headed for the small door. With a forcible shove we had the door open. Beyond the misplaced door was an even larger room and metal cubes lining the far wall. Something moved in the dark beyond my small light. Voices carried through the room. They were getting closer and louder. I grabbed Tahir’s shirt and lunged behind a support pillar. “Light, Creada! Put the light out!” pleaded Tahir.

We sat in the darkness of the room barely breathing as the voices drew closer. “We have to do something; they’re getting too frail. Soon there won’t be enough food for everyone” a familiar voice said. Keres. I would recognize that voice anywhere. She was our head Council. Well at least its good to know they’re concerned about the rations. Food was getting scarce. My bony ribs were proof of that. Keres continued, “and who will replace them without notice? We can’t let this get out, there would be a rebellion. And most importantly we cannot let the past repeat itself. It must be protected”

My head was beginning to spin. My body felt like it was removed from my soul. Who are they talking about replacing? We sat in the dark long after the foot steps retreated and disappeared. “Tahir, we have to move on. There is something more happening here.” Tahir only nodded in agreement as I relit our light.

The small metal cubes sat at the far end of the room. As we approached, I realized they were not cubes, but cages. Half starved men sat, cramped in the cages. I couldn’t believe what my mind was telling me my eyes were seeing. The men’s gazes only followed us. No one spoke a word. I stopped before the smallest of cages. Bile was building in my throat. I swallowed my disgust and placed a hand on the bars. “Who are you? What is this place?” I asked. The man didn’t answer. He just opened his mouth revealing rotting teeth and Oh god, his tongue was missing. A mute. “Crap.” Tahir gasped. “We won’t be getting answers from any of them.

The man pointed toward another door before him. The same direction Keres and her associate travelled. I couldn’t go through there. Keres and my sure death could be awaiting me on the other side. The man kept pointing and moaning louder and louder now. “Shh.” I warned him. “You’ll get us found.” The man only rattled his chains in response.

Tahir was still standing behind me, face ashen. “Tahir, we can’t leave these men here.” I cried. “We have to find a way to free them” Hot tears were blurring my vision now and dropping in big puddles on the ground. Tahir slowly looked down at me. Reality slammed back into his vacant eyes. “No Creada, we need to go through that door. There is something he needs in there. Maybe it’s the answer to our questions.” Tahir replied.

Dusting the dirt from my shaking knees I stood and Tahir took my hand. “One look.” I told him. We pushed through the large doors. I held my breath as the aged wood creaked in protest. The hinges squealed as the door came to a stop. But there was nothing there. No answers awaited us behind this door. Only a small hatch lay before us.

One more door I thought. We had come this far; we couldn’t turn back now. I unlatched the small door and held my breath. I pushed the small door open. But a white light poured into the cavern. I was blind. This was it. My end. White light blasted over and through me. Wet heat rushed over my skin. A moisture pooled on my skin. I cried out and covered my face with my arm. I wasn’t dead yet. At least I didn’t feel dead. Slowly I cracked open my eyes. Confusion replaced fear. White, warm light stretched as far as I could see. Green swayed back and forth at my feet. Trees dotted the expanse covered in an array of greens and little flowers. My mother’s words echoed in my mind, “Creada, have faith, look out for the light, sleep tight and let it guide you from your plight.”

My hand slowly crept over my mouth. My mother’s stories were right. The light did exist. They hid it away from us. I could be free. The light called to me, drawing me out of the cavern. The green on the ground tickled the soles of my feet and up my legs. Free. The light was real. It’s all real. I looked at Tahir and he looked at me. Apology unspoken in his eyes. A smile crept across my face. Tahir’s mouth was moving. What was he saying? “Run!” Tahir’s words echoed in my ears. Then I heard it. The shouting voices behind us. “Run Creada!” He screamed again as he wrapped his hand in mine. The door slammed behind us. And we ran. Into the light. Into freedom. We ran as the suns heat tingled across our skin. Real. Free. “Creada, have faith, look out for the light, sleep tight and let it guide you from your plight.” My mother’s words guided me. Free. And I would come back for them. The shadows could not hide the light anymore.