Tearing up pages, Stephan hauled them into the bin; missing a few shots that went directly into the vase next to it; but he couldn’t be bothered to pick it up. No, he had to write a 500 words history essay, which was due in for tomorrow, and unsurprisingly he forgot about it.
Moaning and groaning, he scribbled out everything he had written; whilst slashing through the page and ripping it into shreds.
“What is all this noise?” asked Karl as his brow furrowed; one eye darted across the room and the other one followed: there were heaps of scrunched up paper all mounted on top of each other, taller than Stephan. Shoving the paper out of the way, he walked up to Stephan and sat beside him on the armchair and to his astonishment he saw something that immediately captured all his attention; the title: ‘The Berlin Wall’. Baffled, yes that’s what he was: baffled.
“Grandpops, I have to do an essay on the Berlin Wall; but I can’t seem to think of anything. History is so pointless and I detest it so much!” exclaimed Stephan; his nose was blown up like an oversized grape, as he huffed, he exhaled all that he had inhaled; which made him choke on air. Spluttering and wheezing, he sat up; and with a watery grin; he looked at his grandpops.
“Can I help you?” asked Karl.
“But grandpops, what do you know about the Berlin Wall; this was way before your time” assumed Stephan; looking up at his grandpops he knew he had said something wrong; but didn’t know what.
“I was there when it fell down; I saw it all happen” Karl told him.
Stephan was perplexed; he didn’t know this. Maybe I should’ve asked sooner, thought Stephan; it would’ve saved me a lot of time and papers. “Did you help to break the wall down” inquired Stephan.
“No child, I was guarding the wall” responded Karl.
Stephan was bewildered; he had never thought of his Grandpops as being a guard. Nevertheless, he has never actually asked his Grandpops about his life before. All that he knew was that his Grandpops was born and raised in Germany; but nothing else. “Can you please tell me about it” asked Stephan.
“It would be my pleasure” replied Karl.
✦✦✦
“I used to be a guard on duty during the night; during the times when Germany was being separated from east to west; this wall was cut through neighbourhoods and destroyed lives. It was an Iron curtain; and no one could get in or out. It was suffocating for them; it was suffocating for me; it was suffocating for all of the soldiers, but we couldn’t do anything about it.”
“Karl, you take the east side and I’ll take the west” ordered Klaus.
Then I saw them in my peripheral vision; a group of people fleeing from the east to west as there were more job opportunities, more freedom, more hope and a better chance of life. I was feeling pity for them, nevertheless I couldn’t stop myself. “Over there” I exclaimed; pointing towards a sandy, barren land.
All the guards looked across and pointed their soulless clunk of metal towards them. Oh, what have I done! I thought; blood ran away from my fingertips and made them numb. Every cell in my body reeled in shock; I could’ve saved them; I could’ve protected them; I could’ve kept my mouth shut.
As it flies out the chamber and into the air with great elegance, the bullet aimed for the target beyond the shooter. As it pushed through the air with great speed, it gained less distance than before. Until that moment when it strikes through him. The split second when the target falls and what was intended happens; as the bullet scrapes through the internal structure and organs. They could’ve been a father, a husband, a brother or an uncle; but the bullets aren’t merciful; they don’t think twice; they just kill barbarically.
Falling to their knees, a high pitch scream echoed in the ambiance; but was shot down instantly. The bullet tore through the soft human flesh, allowing arteries to spill. This coated the sand in a slick, thick liquid. Blood.
“Good call Karl” exclaimed Klaus.
I reluctantly saluted in acknowledgement.
✦✦✦
“But grandpops, WHY did you shoot them? They didn’t do anything wrong to you” questioned Stephan; his eyes were staring right into his grandfathers, mesmerised by the blonde hair and the blue eyes.
Karl’s disappointment arrived as sadness; he was disappointed with himself. Why DID I kill them? Thought Karl. “I don’t know child, I felt like I had to do it”. He had no other reason and how could he justify his actions? No, there was no way he could.
✦✦✦
The next night, I heard Walter bellow that there were 2 men approaching from the east; but he was mistaken. Oh, he was very mistaken: because there weren’t 2 but thousands of men patrolling towards them. We were overwhelmed by their demand for democracy; they wanted to have the freedom to go wherever they want, and they were going to take it.
Mass shootings began; I held my ammunition up in the air, achieving the maximum damage aiming at the centre of their being: their heart. This wasn’t right; I knew it but I couldn’t stop myself. If I stopped, my own people might kill me. Lying there, the dispatched human beings were smothered in soil and blood; not only their own but each other’s. Each one is a dead child, a dead mother, a dead father.
Crouching downwards, I got a better aim at them. My hands didn’t tremble; not even once because this was our wall, mine to protect and I swore to Germany that I would guard it with all my life. I remembered a time when there were barbed wires; malleable and untarnished; making a slim to none chance of survival. Nevertheless, now they have a wall; segregating lands and people; but Germany will do what it has to do.
“Stop!” screeched Klaus; all the soldiers looked at him bewildered. “I have gotten and order from the Commander, and he said that we have to stop shooting”
So that’s what we did: we stopped shooting. Putting my ammunition behind me, I held it tight to my backbone until I could feel its force building up. I saw natives weeping at their loved ones; bellowing in agony. Hope dwindled from their faces; leaving lifeless beings.
One person came; a brunette-haired boy; with an axe. Upon the handle of aged old oak was a blade of sharpest steel. It had been fashioned in a time when an axe could be anything, from homely firewood maker to something for defence; but now it was a freedom fighter just like him. The clashing of cement and the axe caused it to bleed of dust; the white power was haemorrhaged from this barricade. Soon enough everyone started banging and thrashing their materials; and we were just stood there in awe.
Knocking over pillar by pillar, the rejoicing crowds poured into west Berlin; as people from both sides danced on top of the wall. Klaus was staring in disbelief and so was I. How did they manage this? I thought. There I saw a woman beckoning me to come down; I came down and I saw them; all of them: the people of Germany who didn’t deserve any of this prejudice.
Tearing up the wall, the German people hauled the broken bits to the side; and some shards hit others on the leg; but they couldn’t stop because their freedom lasted on it, for the last 30 years they had endured this estrangement and they had suffered; but not now.
One thing was clear then: the years of division were at an end and Germany would be reunified; and rise above all
✦✦✦
“Wow Grandpops, that was an awesome story. But are you happy that the wall fell?” asked Stephan; he didn’t know what to think of his grandpops he didn’t know what to say; he didn’t know what to feel about all of this. He felt bad for feeling this way.
“Yes, child I am” replied Karl “because without that I wouldn’t have met your grandmother, the women who beckoned me to come down and wouldn’t have seen what Germany was capable of.”
“Grandpops, can you take me to see remaining bits of the wall?” asked Stephan.
“Yes, of course I can” replied Karl.
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Great job with this story. I particularly enjoyed the use of flashback and the ending of the story. It reminded me of "The Princess Bride" with the flashback memories being in place of the grandfather actually telling him. I would agree with some other comments, that the semi-colons were a bit much, as well as a few extra lines that could be trimmed or rephrased. But otherwise, lots of great stuff!
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Yes I understand and I will remember that next time. Thank you so much for reading my story and sharing your feedback on it.
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I think this is a great story! Comes full circle at the end when Grandpa reveals the story’s about him and Grandma. The child’s original push back on learning about history is really turned around. Just one thing, the semi-colons are a tad much for me. Great story!!!
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Yeah I will remember that for my next story.
Thanks for your feedback and thank you for reading my story
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Oooh..I loved the way you wrote the imagery of the pain, the destruction around the grandpa and to the people of Germany.
Great story. ❤
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Thank you for reading my story and sharing your feedback
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I loved how you started off the story (tell me why i laughed at "moaning and groaning lol"), and how powerful you made Karl's story. The idea of the flashbacks were amazing, and how you ended the story with the "love" of the grandparents. Overall, amazing story!
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Lol...
Thank you so much for reading my story. Your feedback has been great :))
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Excellent story!
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Thank you so much :))
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Well written. Well done
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Thanks :))
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Great story. Well done
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Thanks :))
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Well Written, It was a great time reading✨✨
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Thanks Priyanka for sharing your feedback :))
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Lovely idea - I particularly like the idea of sundering and being re-joined - you use this effect well in your narrative and there are clearly a number of nuanced layers in this piece. Great work.
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Thank you so much for commenting and thanks for reading :))
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Thank you for writing this story. It was quite an experience to read it.
It reminded me of the video of the night that the Wall was broken through and Berlin became one city again. It also reminded me of the last time I visited Berlin (in Summer 1978), when Berlin (and Germany) was still in two halves and the Wall (and the tank traps, barbed wire, and guard towers) still stood. I remember seeing the museum at Checkpoint Charlie and learning about the escape attempts (including a photo of an East German soldier jumping over the initial "wall", which was nothing but barbed wire at the time) and how many survived to reach West Berlin and how many died trying to escape. I never thought I would live to see the day when Berlin would be reunited, Germany would be reunited, and everything else that happened in the years 1989 to 1991. It still feels like a dream to me. If I ever go back to Germany, it'll seem strange that there isn't a Wall anymore, that I can visit any part of Germany without needing to go through checkpoints, without needing visas.
I confess that some parts of your story were a little too graphic for me, but it's your story, not mine.
Editing comments (I apologize for so much rewriting on my part):
Overall, it seems like the main problem is punctuation: either the wrong punctuation is used or the punctuation is missing. But that's not all that I thought needed fixing.
Moaning and groaning, he scribbled out everything he had written; whilst slashing through the page and ripping it into shreds. [This sounds like a contradiction to me: he scribbled out what he wrote ... as he's doing that, he
slashes through the page and ripped it into shreds. Or maybe you mean that he's writing so hard that the pen or pencil just tears through the paper he's writing on?]
“What is all this noise?” asked Karl as his brow furrowed; one eye darted across the room and the other one followed: there were heaps of scrunched up paper all mounted on top of each other, taller than Stephan. [I would change the semicolon after "furrowed" to a period. I'm not sure that you mean that Karl's eyes move independently of one another. If you do, then for clarity I still would say: One of his eyes looked across the room, followed by the other eye.] [I would change "scrunched-up" to "wadded-up".]
Shoving the paper out of the way, he walked up to Stephan and sat beside him on the armchair and to his astonishment he saw something that immediately captured all his attention; the title: ‘The Berlin Wall’. Baffled, yes that’s what he was: baffled. [I would say instead: Shoving the wads of paper out of the way, he walked over to Stephan and sat down on the armchair beside him. To his astonishment, Karl saw something that completely caught his attention: "The Berlin Wall". He sat there, baffled.]
“Grandpops, I have to do an essay on the Berlin Wall; but I can’t seem to think of anything. History is so pointless and I detest it so much!” exclaimed Stephan; his nose was blown up like an oversized grape, as he huffed, he exhaled all that he had inhaled; which made him choke on air. Spluttering and wheezing, he sat up; and with a watery grin; he looked at his grandpops. [I would say instead: "Grandpops, I have to do an essay on the Berlin Wall," said Stephan. "But I can't seem to think of anything." He tried not to lose his temper but failed. "History is so pointless and I detest it so much!" His nose puffed up as he spoke. It looked like an overinflated grape. (what comes next doesn't seem needed; but if it does, it needs to be rewritten) He gave his grandpops a watery grin.]
“But grandpops, what do you know about the Berlin Wall; this was way before your time” assumed Stephan; looking up at his grandpops he knew he had said something wrong; but didn’t know what. [I would say instead: "But, Grandpops, what do you know about the Berlin Wall?" asked Stephan. "This was way before your time." It was an assumption, but, looking up at his grandpops, he knew it was a dumb one. Why did his grandpops look at him like that?]
“I was there when it fell down; I saw it all happen” Karl told him. [You're missing a comma before the close quotes.]
it would’ve saved me a lot of time and papers. “Did you help to break the wall down” inquired Stephan. [I would change "papers" to "sheets of paper". Also, you're missing a question mark before the close quotes.]
“No child, I was guarding the wall” responded Karl. [You're missing a comma before "child" and another comma before the close quotes.]
Stephan was bewildered; he had never thought of his Grandpops as being a guard. [I would change the semicolon to a period and start a new sentence: He had never known that his grandpops had been a guard.]
Nevertheless, he has never actually asked his Grandpops about his life before. All that he knew was that his Grandpops was born and raised in Germany; but nothing else. “Can you please tell me about it” asked Stephan. [I would say instead: Nevertheless, he had never actually asked his grandpops about his life before. All that he knew was that his grandpops was born and raised in Germany.] ["but nothing else." is redundant and should be deleted] [Then start a new paragraph with: "Can you please tell me about it?" asked Stephan.]
“It would be my pleasure” replied Karl. [You're missing a comma before the close quotes.]
“I used to be a guard on duty during the night; during the times when Germany was being separated from east to west; this wall was cut through neighbourhoods and destroyed lives. It was an Iron curtain; and no one could get in or out. It was suffocating for them; it was suffocating for me; it was suffocating for all of the soldiers, but we couldn’t do anything about it.” [I would say instead: "Back when I was a guard on night-duty, there was a wall that not only divided Germany into East Germany and West Germany but also divided Europe into Eastern Europe and Western Europe. Another (smaller) wall divided Berlin into East Berlin and West Berlin. Both walls divided neighborhoods and families. Many people tried to escape from East to West. Some succeeded, some died in the process.] [I would change "suffocating" to "stifling". "Suffocating" sounds like they couldn't breathe. They *could* breathe. But they felt stifled, trapped on the eastern side of the wall.]
“Karl, you take the east side and I’ll take the west” ordered Klaus. [You're missing a comma before the close quotes.]
Then I saw them in my peripheral vision; a group of people fleeing from the east to west as there were more job opportunities, more freedom, more hope and a better chance of life. I was feeling pity for them, nevertheless I couldn’t stop myself. “Over there” I exclaimed; pointing towards a sandy, barren land. [I would say instead: Then I saw them in my peripheral vision: a group of people trying to flee from the East to the West. In the West, there was more freedom, a better life, and better job opportunities. I pitied them. But I couldn't just stand there and do nothing. [new paragraph] "Over there!" I exclaimed, pointing toward a sandy, barren land.]
All the guards looked across and pointed their soulless clunk of metal towards them. Oh, what have I done! I thought; blood ran away from my fingertips and made them numb. Every cell in my body reeled in shock; I could’ve saved them; I could’ve protected them; I could’ve kept my mouth shut. [I would say: I watched the other guards look at the people trying to escape and point their guns at them. [new paragraph] Oh, what have I done! I thought. My fingertips felt numb as blood receded from them. Every cell in my body reeled in shock. I could've saved them. I could've protected. Most of all, I could've kept my mouth shut.]
As it flies out the chamber and into the air with great elegance, the bullet aimed for the target beyond the shooter. As it pushed through the air with great speed, it gained less distance than before. Until that moment when it strikes through him. The split second when the target falls and what was intended happens; as the bullet scrapes through the internal structure and organs. They could’ve been a father, a husband, a brother or an uncle; but the bullets aren’t merciful; they don’t think twice; they just kill barbarically. [I'm not sure you need to be quite so explicit about what happens to the bullet after it's fired from a rifle and when it hits one of the escapees.] [For the rest of the paragraph, maybe say instead: The person who was shot could've been a father, a husband, a brother, or an uncle. But bullets don't have feelings. When a human pulls the trigger, the bullets speed away from the gun barrel and head for their target.]
Falling to their knees, a high pitch scream echoed in the ambiance; but was shot down instantly. The bullet tore through the soft human flesh, allowing arteries to spill. This coated the sand in a slick, thick liquid. Blood. [I would say instead: Each person fell to their knees, begging for mercy, but they were immediately shot. The merciless bullets did their job.]
“Good call Karl” exclaimed Klaus. [You're missing two commas: one after "call" and one before the close quotes.]
“But grandpops, WHY did you shoot them? They didn’t do anything wrong to you” questioned Stephan; his eyes were staring right into his grandfathers, mesmerised by the blonde hair and the blue eyes. [I would say instead: "But, Grandpops, WHY did you shoot them?" questioned Stephan. "They didn't do anything wrong to you." His eyes stared right at his grandpop's blue eyes. [I don't see any reason for the mention of "mesmerized by the blonde hair" (also, it's "blond" if the person is male, and it's "blonde" if the person is female).]
Karl’s disappointment arrived as sadness; he was disappointed with himself. Why DID I kill them? Thought Karl. “I don’t know child, I felt like I had to do it”. He had no other reason and how could he justify his actions? No, there was no way he could. [Contradiction: It sounds like Karl went from being disappointed to sad, but then you say he's disappointed with himself. Maybe say instead: Karl's disappointment turned into sadness. Why DID I kill them? he thought. [next paragraph] ["I don't know, child," Karl said. "I felt I had to do it." He'd done as the other soldiers had done. But how could he justify it? Simple: He couldn't.]
The next night, I heard Walter bellow that there were 2 men approaching from the east; but he was mistaken. [I would change "2" to "two" and delete the semicolon.]
Oh, he was very mistaken: because there weren’t 2 but thousands of men patrolling towards them. [I would change "2" to "two". Are the men soldiers? You said they were "patrolling". If they aren't soldiers but civilians instead, maybe change "patrolling" to "marching"?]
We were overwhelmed by their demand for democracy; they wanted to have the freedom to go wherever they want, and they were going to take it. [Maybe add "collective" before "demand".]
Mass shootings began; I held my ammunition up in the air, achieving the maximum damage aiming at the centre of their being: their heart. [I would change the semicolon to a colon.]
This wasn’t right; I knew it but I couldn’t stop myself. If I stopped, my own people might kill me. [I would say instead: This wasn't right. I knew it wasn't right but I couldn't stop myself. Because if I had stopped, the other soldiers would've killed me.]
Lying there, the dispatched human beings were smothered in soil and blood; not only their own but each other’s. [I would say instead: Lying there, the dead human beings were covered with dirt and blood.] [I don't think you need to say "not only their own but each other's", because it's obvious that the only spilled blood that can be seen belongs to the dead people.]
Crouching downwards, I got a better aim at them. [I would change "got a" to "took"]
My hands didn’t tremble; not even once because this was our wall, mine to protect and I swore to Germany that I would guard it with all my life. [I would say instead: My hands didn't tremble even once. This was our wall. Ours to protect and we'd sworn to Germany that we would guard it with our lives.]
I remembered a time when there were barbed wires; malleable and untarnished; making a slim to none chance of survival. [I would change the first semicolon to a comma and the second semicolon to a period. Then say: They made sure that there would be next to no chance of survival for anyone trying to climb over them.]
Nevertheless, now they have a wall; segregating lands and people; but Germany will do what it has to do. [Maybe say instead: Now they have a wall. A wall that separates land and people. On the Eastern side, we will do what we must. If we are given orders to kill, then we will kill.]
“Stop!” screeched Klaus; all the soldiers looked at him bewildered. “I have gotten and order from the Commander, and he said that we have to stop shooting” [I would say: "Stop!" screamed Klaus. [next paragraph] The soldiers all gave him bewildered looks. [next paragraph] "I have received an order from the Commander," Klaus went on. "We must stop shooting."]
Putting my ammunition behind me, I held it tight to my backbone until I could feel its force building up. [I would say instead: I put my gun back over my shoulder.] [I'm not sure if the rest is needed.]
I saw natives weeping at their loved ones; bellowing in agony. Hope dwindled from their faces; leaving lifeless beings. [Maybe say instead: I saw my fellow East Germans weeping at the sight of their dead loved ones. Some wept so loudly that it sounded like a dying animal bellowing in agony. Hope left their faces. They stood there, lifeless and inert.]
One person came; a brunette-haired boy; with an axe. [I would say instead: One person came: a brown-haired boy with an ax.]
It had been fashioned in a time when an axe could be anything, from homely firewood maker to something for defence; but now it was a freedom fighter just like him. [Maybe say instead: It had been made at a time when an ax could be used for anything: from chopping wood to defense. But now it was a freedom fighter just like the boy holding it.]
The clashing of cement and the axe caused it to bleed of dust; the white power was haemorrhaged from this barricade. [Maybe say instead: Dust fell when the ax smashed into the cement wall.] [I don't think the rest of the sentence is really needed.]
Soon enough everyone started banging and thrashing their materials; and we were just stood there in awe. [Maybe say instead: Soon enough, everyone started banging what they held against the wall. We just stood there in awe.]
Knocking over pillar by pillar, the rejoicing crowds poured into west Berlin; as people from both sides danced on top of the wall. [The wall wasn't made of pillars. It was made of vertical slabs. I would change your text to: Knocking over vertical slab after vertical slab, the rejoining crowds began to pour into West Berlin. People climbed up on top of the wall and danced there.]
There I saw a woman beckoning me to come down; I came down and I saw them; all of them: the people of Germany who didn’t deserve any of this prejudice. [I would say instead: Below me, I saw a woman becking me to climb down. I did so and that was when I saw them: the German people who didn't deserve almost thirty years of separation.]
Tearing up the wall, the German people hauled the broken bits to the side; and some shards hit others on the leg; but they couldn’t stop because their freedom lasted on it, for the last 30 years they had endured this estrangement and they had suffered; but not now. [I would say instead: Demolishin the wall, the German people hauled the broken bits aside. Some shards of concrete hit some people in the leg. But that didn't stop them. Too much had built up inside them. Emotions that needed to be expressed. Emotions that chose the hated Wall as their target. For thirty years it had divided Berlin in two. No more. The Wall would soon become nothing more than just another unhappy memory.]
One thing was clear then: the years of division were at an end and Germany would be reunified; and rise above all [I would say instead: One thing was crystal clear at that moment: all the years of a divided Germany had ended. Berlin, and Germany as a whole, would be one nation again.] [I'm not sure if "and rise above all" is needed]
“Wow Grandpops, that was an awesome story. But are you happy that the wall fell?” asked Stephan; he didn’t know what to think of his grandpops he didn’t know what to say; he didn’t know what to feel about all of this. He felt bad for feeling this way. [Maybe say instead: "Wow, Grandpops, that was an awesome story," said Stephen. "But are you happy that the Wall fell?"] [I'm not sure if the rest of the sentence is really needed.]
“Yes, child I am” replied Karl “because without that I wouldn’t have met your grandmother, the women who beckoned me to come down and wouldn’t have seen what Germany was capable of.” [I would say instead: "Yes, child, I am," replied Karl. "Because if the Wall had never fallen, I would never have met your grandmother, the same woman who beckoned me to climb down from the top of the Wall. And I would never have seen what Germany was truly capable of."
“Yes, of course I can” replied Karl. [You're missing a comma after "course" and another comma before the close quotes.]
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Thank you so much for all your feedback. I will try and take that into account when I'm writing my next story. Thanks for reading :))
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You're welcome. But please don't remove the graphic stuff in this story or in future stories if you're absolutely certain it should be there. Just because I'm not keen on graphic description of people getting hurt by gunfire doesn't mean someone else also isn't. I've seen my share of war documentaries and movies based on wars. As I get older, I get less and less interested in the graphic side of war. Not out of numbness, but because I've seen enough of it and don't really want to see more of it. Which is one reason why I've only been to the Holocaust Museum in Washington DC once (or maybe twice). I don't need to go there over and over again. Also, when I was 10 or 11, I saw the "Holocaust" mini-series on TV with my mother and two older brothers. That was before we visited Europe in Summer 1978. When we were in southern Germany, we also visited Dachau Concentration Camp (which is near Munich, where I was born in 1967). It was quite an experience seeing a real-life concentration camp vs. seeing it on TV or reading about it in books. I don't think I'll need to see that twice, either. I'm not in any danger of forgetting the horrible things we humans can do to each other.
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Yes same I have read about wars and I hope that this never happens again.
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Well, if the 2017-2020 administration here in America is any indication ... it probably *will* happen again. We humans sadly have short memories when it comes to horrible things. It takes places like museums (both the old-fashioned kind and living museums like the concentration camps in Europe) to keep the past alive. Some people might say that history is irrelevant. I would say that forgetting to learn from the past is irrelevant.
Maybe you or I (or both of us) could write stories showing a future time when such horrible things are forgotten and get repeated by those who are far too young to have lived through them. Margaret Attwood might have already beaten us to the punch.
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yeah I think I should write stories like that
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I love how you brought the history to life💕 very interesting choice of words too
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Thank you so much for this comment :))
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Hahahahahhahhahahahahahah sorry I lost it my friends are leeeeaving Nainika please come back soon I miss u and it's only been one day.
Sorry to dump that here, I love this story, it's amazing.
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thanks for reading my story :))
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Solid story, I loved the way you described the journey of the bullet. Almost gave it a life of its own, which I found to be unique. Well done!
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Thank you for reading my story
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I liked this story. Loved the imagery and thoughts described in the Grandpa's flashbacks to show his side of the story. Well done!
One tiny criticism. In my opinion, you tend to overuse colons and semi-colons. Maybe have a little revision of when those are used. They're not needed as often as you might think and the prose would flow better without them.
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Oh okay, thanks for your feedback and reading my story
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I love how you convey the message of "Youth Ignorance" through the character Stephan. Karl's story is powerful. But I feel like you cut him short . I loved "As it flies out the chamber and into the air with great elegance, the bullet aimed for the target beyond the shooter. As it pushed through the air with great speed, it gained less distance than before." It shows great Creative intelligence. The ending however, came a bit sooner and lacked emotion. BUT ALL IN ALL A GREAT STORY 💙😁
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Yes I was thinking of that as well; I feel like I should have continued it on more. Thanks for reading and your feedback has been great to see. :))
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💙😁
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This is very well done, and very compelling! Like some of the other comments mentioned some parts of the dialog were a tad unatural but the rest was beautifully done! Great job!
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Thanks for reading my story and sharing your feedback :))
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Wow, this is such a powerful story - I especially liked Karl's character, who, being a guard, was on the 'bad side' and followed the orders diligently but still retained his human side as well. :)
Keep up the good work!:))
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Thank you so much for reading my story and sharing your feedback :))
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Amazing, waiting for next :)
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Thank you for reading my story :))
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Loved the consistency in the attention to detail all throughout the story. Like everyone else says, the emotion came through clearly and deftly. My only suggestion would be to work on the flow of dialogue, it seemed a bit stiff and unnatural at points. When planning dialogue, I try and read my lines out-loud and add in any little stutters or mannerisms I have to make it read more natural. Overall a great read!
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Yes I understand what you re trying to say and thanks for the tip.
Thank you for reading my story and sharing your feedback :))
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Awesome story! Loved the descriptions and the emotion you put into it. I could really feel the grandfather's guilt while he was telling the story. Amazing job!!
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Thank you so much for reading my story :))
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