Resolution

January 1

*opens Microsoft Word. Clicks "New Document, cursor blinks, walks away*

January 2

*slammed at work, forgets*

January 3

*doctor's appointment, tired*

January 4

I think my New Yea-- *ponders, backspaces, ponders some more, opens Netflix, watches Grace & Frankie*

January 5

*types* New Year's Resolutions: *cursor blinks, walks away pondering*

January 6

*big presentation, tired*

January 7

*nothing major tonight, begins typing*

Tomorrow, we will be a week into the new year, and I still have not thought of a single resolution. It's so stressful to think of resolutions when you're also trying to plan where you'll be on New Year's Eve. First world problems, I guess.

It doesn't help the stress with the Weight Watchers ad campaign blaring at us 24/7. And the Planet Fitness ads. Don't get me wrong, I would like to be in better shape. I was in a giant scale where I work. We're not supposed to be on it, I don't think. My coworker and I were laughing about "being fat", but I noticed that I had gained weight. I should be happy, I was worried that I was too skinny. But my hollow leg appears to be in my stomach. That's when I realized that I've stopped growing up and started growing out. I can feel my body changing, too. I can't swill the Cherry Coke like I used to, and I get full more often. So, I guess I can try to watch what I eat. My arms and legs are in decent shape, but it's the blob in between that concerns me. Maybe a few crunches a day can be a start. When it gets warmer, I'll probably go running because I sure am not going running now. It's too cold. 

I thought about, the other day, how long it has been since I read a book for fun. I remember doing it in school, but now I get so busy at work that I just want to be fat in front of the TV, which contradicts my first resolution. I had just finished The Handmaid's Tale, on Hulu, and now I'm interested in the book it's based on. I'll start reading that. Just a chapter a night, I don't want to be up all night and miss work.

The biggest regret I had in high school is that I learned Spanish. Since graduation, I have never encountered an event where I needed to use my three years of Mandarin Chinese, but I did encounter several where knowing Spanish would have been helpful. I'll be checking out Rosetta Stone soon on a Spanish speaking course.

Another regret I have is that I never stayed in touch with my friends from high school. Facebook has been helpful in that department...for remembering birthdays and watching events people post online. That's the thing. Two of my friends married each other, and I wasn't there to witness it. What probably didn't help is that I moved away, and I didn't tell anybody. I will take the blame for that. I would like to get involved with my friends' lives as I want them to get involved in mine. I hope Messenger can handle long messages to lots of people. 

*sits and thinks, walks away*

January 8

*after several minutes browsing Facebook, begins typing*

I struggle with the idea of going back to school. I didn't have a good time my first year, and it felt like my professors weren't willing to help me. I transferred to a community college and earned my Associate's Degree in General Studies. I haven't gone back since. I'm a little scared to be honest. I'm at the age where I should be graduating in a few months. I feel too old to go back now. I feel I won't connect with the students. I have lived out in the world. Most of them haven't. 

I also fear of what would happen next. What if I go, complete my Bachelor's Degree, and there isn't a job available for me? What if I go, and the economy tanks? There was a scare in the stock market last summer, and it made me think twice about going back. I want to better myself,  education wise, but I also want to make sure I have a job. I like my job, and I was recently promoted. It would be a waste to quit that now.

This really isn't a resolution, I guess. But I think it can be a reflection. Better education is the goal, but the willingness to pursue knowing I have a job on the other side is a challenge for me.

*ponders, walks away*

*walks back, scrolls up and down, checks email, walks away*

January 9

*business meeting, tired*

January 10

*in a drunken rant, begins typing*

Who am I kidding? None of these jerks care about me. I remember they tore up a crown I made for theater, and for what? A memory of the show? It was a fun show, I loved doing it. But they could have asked me first before they started ripping it up.

And besides, they only tolerated me. They never liked me. I would never be one of them.

Oh, and that learning Spanish thing? Never gonna happen. I should have argued my mother and say Spanish is a better choice than learning Chinese. Plus, all these immigrants coming into the country, learn English. You wanted to come here, learn the language. It's not my fault I didn't learn it. I'm not going to Mexico. Why should I learn it?

Reading is over now. No one reads anymore. It's these weirdos at our school that still reads. Everything is a movie or a TV show now. What's the point of reading if I can just watch it?

I'm never gonna lose weight. I'll always have this belly. I'm just gonna be fat and die from cardiac arrest. So what? Like I said, no one cares.

January 11

*gets up in frustration and walks away*

*hung over, looks at what was written before, begins typing*

Quit drinking, go to AA.

*saves document, closes Word*