The birthday boy

‘How many times?’ Angela asked her husband, as she stabbed the sixth, skinny candle into the oversized birthday cake.

‘I don’t know.’ Steve mumbled, as he pierced the wrap on the pack of paper plates with a steak knife- Pealing it away and crunching it into a ball, before tossing it on top of the granite worktop.

‘That many then?’ Angela said, as she put the pack of candles back on the side. Steve stayed silent. ‘Are you not going to put that in the bin?!’ Angela then asked, acutely.

Steve looked at the clear, crumpled wrapper on the sideboard. ‘I would have done, yes-‘ he said, defensively- ‘In a minute.’

‘Jesus Christ!’ Angela cursed, as she slammed the top of the kitchen counter, forcefully, with her palm.

‘Do you need any help at all?!’ Chloe asked, as she entered the kitchen, chirpily.

‘No thanks!’ Angela said, animatedly, as she forced a large, toothy smile.

‘OoooooOOoooOoo woooooooooow!’ Chloe gushed, as she clocked the giant dinosaur cake- ‘Look at that- It’s a beast!’ Angela maintained a wax work grin. ‘Did you make that, Ang?!’ Chloe asked, impressed.

‘Oh no…’ Angela replied, humbly.

‘Not shop bought though, surely?’ Chloe asked, as she eyed the monster cake.

‘Oh no….’ Angela replied, as she glanced at Steve, who quickly removed the wrapper from the side.

‘A commission?’ Chloe said, as she moved closer to the huge dessert.

‘Yes,’ Angela said, as she watched Steve chuck the wrapper into the pedal bin.

‘Who?’ Chloe asked, bringing her face closer to the birthday cake.

‘A lady we know,’ Angela said, as Steve tried to slip out of the kitchen- ‘Steve! Darling.’ Angela called to her wandering husband. Steve stopped. ‘Stay here, please. Sweetheart. I need you in here.’ Steve’s shoulders dropped as he sighed and silently returned to his wife.

‘Expensive?’ Chloe asked, as she hovered over the cake.

‘No,’ Angela said, as she pulled a large knife from the wooden block.

‘I know it’s crude to talk numbers,’ Chloe said- ‘But, ballpark?’

‘Two fifty.’ Angela responded, bluntly, as she laid the kitchen knife at the side of the cake.

‘Good price.’ Chloe stated, as she continued to survey the cake- ‘Very reasonable.’

‘Yes,’ Angela said, modestly- ‘She did our wedding cake. And Steve’s fortieth. So, we got a deal.’

‘Makes sense.’ Chloe said, as she slowly moved her index finger towards the cake- ‘Can I touch it?’

‘I’d rather you didn’t.’ Angela said, sharply. Chloe froze, her acrylic nail millimetres from the Tyrannosaur’s gnarly snout. She quickly retracted her hand and placed it at the small of her back. Both women smiled at each other as Chloe stood upright and moved away from the cake.

‘Very realistic- Especially the eyes,’ Chloe said, as she made a B- Line for a pile of cucumber sticks and plonked one into a ceramic pot of caramelised onion hummus.

‘Why?’ Steve commented, sarcastically- ‘See a lot of T- Rex’s do you? In Canary Wharf?’

‘Urgh! No, Steve- You brute!’ Chloe scoffed, as she placed the veg and dip combo in her mouth and crunched noisily- ‘Of course not!’ She said, mouth full. ‘But I’ve seen pictures.’ She added, after she’d swallowed. She picked up another crudité- ‘And some documentaries.’ Chloe dipped the green, water based vegetable into the Moroccan dip again. ‘You don’t mind if I eat this, do you?’ She asked, after she’d eaten it.

‘It’s fine,’ Angela said, as she laid a stack of paper napkins next to the paper plates. They were green, to go with the theme.

‘I’m famished!’ Chloe announced as she munched on the healthy snack.

‘It’s fine,’ Angela repeated, her tone laced with false sincerity.

‘OoooooOooOooo- What’s this?!’ Chloe asked, pointing at a blue bowl brimming with beige babaganoush.

‘Babaganoush.’ Angela replied, as she glared at Steve, whilst he helped himself to a beer.

‘Fabulous!’ Chloe said, as she shoved a cucumber strip into the Lebanese appetizer- ‘Testing it for poison!’ Steve prized the bottle top of the chilled Peroni. ‘OooooOooooooo, yes, Steve!’ Chloe said, before she snaffled the finger food and snatched a paper napkin to dab her gob.

‘Did you want one, Chloe?’ Steve asked, reluctantly, after he’d taken a swig.

‘A beer? No.’ Chloe replied- ‘A champers? Yes, yes, yesssss!’ Chloe scrunched up the napkin and tossed it on the side. Angela shot a look at the balled up serviette, then at Chloe, who appeared to be oblivious to her own poor etiquette, then at her husband, as if, by default, he was now personally responsible for their guest’s rubbish, given that Chloe was directing her attention on him, at the moment she had decided it was appropriate to use the kitchen sideboard as a glorified bin.

Steve ignored his wife as he replied- ‘We don’t have champers, Chlo- You’ll have to rough it with Prosecco.’

‘Oh gawwwwddd!’ Chloe groaned, as she rolled her eyes and stuck out her tongue- ‘What’s going on, guys?’ She asked her hosts.

‘Crypto’s not what it used to be.’ Steve said, as he opened up the fridge and pulled out a chilled bottle of sparkling wine.

‘Oh, darling…’ Chloe said, sympathetically- ‘I understand.’ She added- ‘But my taste buds don’t!’ Chloe raised her hand before Steve could pull the foil off the cork. ‘I’ll have a Grey Goose, darling.’ She said- ‘On the rocks.’ Steve glanced at his wife, who was still glaring at him, venomously. Steve stopped. Chloe then smiled at Angela who returned the smile, automatically.

‘Coming right up!’ Steve said, with forced enthusiasm.

‘You’re an angel.’ Chloe said, as she blew Steve an air kiss and grabbed another canapé. ‘How long is it? That you two’ve been married?’ Chloe then asked, reverting back to the earlier subject of conversation, as if no time had passed.

‘Oh…. Er….’ Steve hesitated, as he fumbled through the liquor bottles- ‘It’s about….’

‘Nine years.’ Angela interrupted, confidently.

‘Gosh!’ Chloe exclaimed, with mock surprise- ‘Time flies when you’re rich as fuck!’ She cackled. Angela smiled.

Nobody spoke as Steve prepared Chloe’s alcoholic beverage. 

A small boy then ran into the kitchen carrying a plastic, Lazer gun- The toy flashed, making intrusive noises. The child giggled as he galloped towards the adults, visibly happy- Full of the joys of life and the innocence of youth. ‘Get out!!’ Chloe screamed, as the lad aimed the obnoxious gun at her pampered head. The child recoiled, burst into tears and dashed out of the room. ‘I can’t stand kids.’ Chloe said, as she took a swig of booze from the crystal tumbler Steve had handed her seconds before- ‘Where’s the powder room, darling?’

‘Upstairs on the left,’ Angela replied, as she lit the candles.

‘Not downstairs?!’ Chloe asked, aghast.

‘No.’ Angela said, glancing at Steve, who was now leaning on the counter, drinking his lager, in his own world.

‘Oh. Right.’ Chloe said, as she forced a smile- ‘How…. Quaint.’ Chloe hopped off the stool she’d been perched on- ‘Toodle pip! Shan’t be long.’

‘Chloe?’ Angela called after her friend.

Chloe paused before leaving. ‘Yes, darling?’

‘You’re not actually going to be doing cocaine, are you?’

Chloe tilted her head back and expelled a raucous guffaw- ‘Oh, no, darling- What do you take me for?!’

‘Just checking.’ Angela said, as she continued to light the candles.

‘Come on, darling- Do give me some credit!’ Chloe said, as she exited the room.

Angela waited for her friend to leave the vicinity before asking her husband- ‘She’s totally going to be doing drugs, isn’t she?’

‘Hundred percent.’ Steve answered, bluntly, before taking another swig of beer.

Angela lit the last candle- ‘I just don’t know why you felt you had to lie to me?’ Steve nursed his beer. ‘Steve?’

‘Yeah.’

‘That’s what hurts more than anything.’ Angela pocketed the zippo and stepped back to assess the cake- The six, burning candles protruded from the scaly, textured icing. Angela had arranged all but one of the candles on the dinosaur’s back- The sixth one she had stuck in it’s head.

‘Looks like a horn.’ Steve commented, changing the subject.

‘Fuck off, Steve.’ Angela said, abruptly.

‘Just saying,’ Steve shrugged.

‘And I’m just saying- Fuck off.’ Angela replied, as she paused, tugged the candle out of the dinosaur’s bonce, with a scoff and shoved it into it’s rear end. ‘Go and make yourself useful and turn the lights off in the dining room.' Angela instructed her husband, without taking her gaze off the cake. Steve sighed, put down his beer and skulked out of the kitchen.

Whilst alone, Angela watched the flames and secretly longed to go back to the beginning- When she had been six. When she was just a child. Before she had even seen a penis, let alone allowed herself to be penetrated by one. A thought then crossed her mind. Imagine. What if she were to run away? Today. Now. Start a new life? No husband. No child. She could reinvent herself. Move to the U.S. She had friends there. From university. They could set her up- Get her on her feet. She could change her name. Reinvent herself. Dye her hair. Adopt a new accent- Australian perhaps? Or South African. Nobody would ever know. And then finally, after all these years, she would once again be free. Just like she was when she was a child. Just like she was when she was six.

‘It’s sorted.’ Steve said, as he re-entered the kitchen.

‘Are they round the table?’ Angela asked, without skipping a beat.

‘Yeah.’

‘All of them?’

‘Yeah.’

‘And the lights are off?’

‘Yes, Angela,’ Steve said, impatiently- ‘It’s sorted, like I said!’

‘Don’t you dare snap at me, you fucking prick!’ Angela cursed her husband, as she picked up the knife from the side of the cake.

‘Ola mi amigos!’ Chloe hollered, as she burst into the room. Angela beamed at her pal as she clenched the handle of the sharp blade. ‘Have I missed it?!’ Chloe asked, as she grabbed her vodka.

‘No,’ Angela said, as she picked up the napkins- ‘We’re just doing it now. Steve, sweetheart- Could you grab the plates for me?’

‘Sure, honey!’ Steve said, cheerily, as he moved over to the island in the centre of the kitchen and picked up the paper plates.

‘Can I be of any help?’ Chloe asked, as she rubbed the bottom of her nose with the top of her finger.

‘Oh, no, it’s fine!’ Angela said, as she began to move out of the kitchen, ‘Just, ya know, enjoy yourself.’

‘Well, I don’t think I can stretch that far, darling,’ Chloe replied, honestly- ‘But. I’ll tolerate it. For you.’ She added, downing her vodka and exhaling, before slamming her glass down on the kitchen top.

‘Thank you.’ Angela said, graciously, as the grown ups left the kitchen.

Before they entered the dining room, Chloe grabbed Angela’s elbow and quickly whispered- ‘Darling, what’s the child called again? The birthday boy?’

Angela paused- ‘Rupert.’

‘Oh yes. Rupert. Like the bear. Yellow trousers. I don’t know how I keep forgetting that. I used to love that cartoon.’

‘I don’t know either,’ Angela said, sarcastically- ‘I mean, it’s not like you’re his Godmother or anything.’

Chloe laughed- ‘I know- Imagine!’

Angela rolled her eyes- ‘Watch that!’ She instructed the nanny, as she placed the knife on the large, mahogany dining table, dropping the napkins down simultaneously.

‘Yes, maam!’ Replied the nanny, as she immediately formed a barrier around the knife with her arms. A dozen children sat round the long table, all wearing paper hats. Steve made to follow his wife back out of the dining room before she said- ‘No, stay here.’ Steve stopped, turned and joined his son instead, who sat at the head of the table.

‘Hhhhhhhhhhappy birthday to yoooooou!!!’ Angela sang, moments later, as she entered the lavish dining room, carrying the glowing dino cake in her outstretched arms. All persons present sang in unison, as Angela slowly moved towards Rupert and carefully placed the burning cake in front of him. The birthday boy looked ecstatic, as he glimpsed the cake for the first time- Dinosaurs were his favourite. Angela told her son to ‘Make a wish!’ once the song was over, before he leaned forward and blew the candles out in one go. Everyone cheered and clapped as the flames disappeared. However, as soon as they had vanished, all six candles quickly reignited once again, untouched and unaided by human hands- Much to the wonder and awe of the baffled guests, who gasped and gawped at what appeared to be witchcraft, voodoo and sorcery, all rolled into one. A little girl began to cry- She was absolutely terrified.

‘Oh wow!!!’ Angela said, enthusiastically, pretending to be surprised- ‘It’s magic!!!’ She encouraged her son to ‘Try again, darling!’ Which he did, several times, until the boy became frustrated.

At this point, Steve pulled the flaming candles out of the cake and dropped them into a pint glass of water, which had been prepared in advance. ‘That’s enough magic for one day, eh?’ He said, as the joke candles hissed and exterminated on contact with the H2o.

Chloe helped herself to another vodka as the cake was sliced and served. Shortly afterwards, there was a knock at the front door. ‘I wonder who that could be?!’ Steve asked, with mock ignorance, as he grabbed his son and pulled him, in tandem, towards the house entrance- ‘Oh wow!’ Steve said, enthusiastically, as he opened the door to a big, fat, colourful clown. The clown honked a horn in Rupert’s face and flapped his massive shoes, as he did a miniature jig on the doorstep. The birthday boy let out a blood curdling scream and pissed himself.

‘That’s my cue to leave!’ Chloe announced, as she grabbed her Louis Vuitton handbag and barged past the entertainer- ‘I’ll see myself out!’ She said, as she waved at her hosts, who buzzed round their hysterical son and tried to calm him down. The clown was then paid in full and asked to leave, which he gladly did.

‘Just answer me this-‘ Angela said, as she wrapped a piece of birthday cake- ‘Did you ever do it in our bed?’

‘No.’ Steve said, as he dropped a balloon into a balloon decorated party bag.

‘Don’t lie to me,’ Angela said, as she passed her husband the wrapped up piece of cake.

‘I’m not lying.’ Steve said, as he took the cake parcel off his wife and placed it inside the mini plastic bag.

‘Said every liar ever!’ Angela scoffed, as she wrapped another piece of cake.

‘You have to believe me.’ Steve sighed, as he picked up a tiny toy.

‘I don’t have to do anything!’ Angela hissed, as she folded the napkin around the square piece of jammy, iced sponge. The doorbell rang.

‘Angieeeee!!!!!’ A woman’s voice called out from the hallway, seconds later.

‘In here!’ Angela called back, as she scowled at her husband.

‘Hellooooo!!!!’ The woman announced, as she barged into the kitchen.

‘Hiiiii!!!!!’ Angela said, cheerfully, as she handed the wrapped cake to her husband and trotted towards the fancy lady who’d just entered the room.

‘I’m not too early, am I?’ The woman asked, as she air kissed Angela.

‘Oh no,’ Angela said, assuringly- ‘Perfect timing!’

‘It’s just, I have to get Baxter to his piano lesson in thirty minutes, darling- You understand!’ The woman stated, as she waved at Steve- ‘Hello, Stevie- How are you?’

‘Great, thanks, Sadie- And yourself?’

‘Oh yes, darling, fabulous-' Sadie boomed- 'You know me!’

‘How’s Clive?’ Steve asked, as he added another finished party bag to pile.

‘Oh he’s wonderful, darling- Just got a fresh acquisition- He’s ecstatic!’

‘Oh really?’ Steve asked, curiously- ‘Which one?’

‘Oh darling- Don’t ask me! I don’t know anything about money, except how to spend it!’ Sadie chuckled- ‘You’ll have to ask him.’

‘I see.’ Steve said, as he picked up an empty party bag- ‘I will.’

‘Is he ready?’ Sadie asked, hurriedly.

‘Yes, I think so,’ Angela said, as she rushed to the recently packed party bags, grabbing one from the pile- ‘They’re in the front.’

‘On their own?!’ Sadie asked, concerned.

‘Noooooo,’ Angela clarified- ‘With the nanny!’

‘Oh hahahahahaha!’ Sadie laughed- ‘Of course, darling- Sorry- I’m all over the place! Just came straight from my reiki healing session- My body’s here, but my head’s still in the astral plane!’

Angela smiled- ‘That’s ok.’ The two women went to leave the kitchen.

‘Bye, Stevie!’ Sadie said, as she blew the man of the house a kiss from afar.

‘Bye Sadie!’ Steve said, as he smiled and waved.

‘So,’ Steve asked his wife, once she’d returned to the kitchen- ‘Can I come back this evening? To our bed?’

‘No.’ Angela replied, bluntly.

‘No?’ Steve repeated, wearily.

‘That’s what I said.’ Angela confirmed, as she wrapped the last piece of cake.

Steve sighed- ‘And how long am I going to be in the spare room?’

‘For as long as it takes for me to learn to trust you again.' Angela said, sternly.

‘And how long’s that going to be?’ Steve asked, poised.

‘You tell me.’ Angela said, cryptically. Steve paused as he pondered his wife’s last statement, wisely refraining from seeking further explanation.

A silence ensued before Steve stated- ‘Angela.’

‘Steve.’

‘I do love you, you know.’ Angela’s shoulders dropped as Steve placed his hand on top of his wife’s.

‘I know,’ she sighed- ‘But sometimes, love isn’t enough.’ The couple stood in silence- All words had been said. The pair allowed themselves to wallow, together- Mourning for what they had once shared but what they both knew, deep down, they had irretrievably lost, for now, they were cursed- Haunted by memories of the past. And as the ghosts of their prior mistakes echoed through the designer kitchen, the doorbell rang.

‘Helllllooooooooo!!!!!’ A woman’s voice cascaded through the hallway, as Angela forced another smile and prepared to greet another parent.