The Ten Commandments

I woke up with my head throbbing and an unfamiliar pain on my chest. Looking around I realized I must be in a church, but a really dark and empty one. There were no stained-glass windows filled with important biblical illustrations, no fancy shrine. As I clumsy got up from the stone floor, a seductive voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

“Mr. Solis would you mind waiting for a brief minute? Father Osiris is just finishing with your wife.” I glanced up and found a younger version of Sharon Stone addressing me. Sinful women like her should not be allowed inside a holy and respectful place such as the house of our Lord Jesus Christ…They are the ultimate downfall for us innocent, hardworking men…

No sooner than the gorgeous woman spoke than a somber looking man stepped out of the confessional followed by my wife. Wow what a creepy priest…

“Magdalena, I will see you outside. Wait for me by the car.”

She glanced at me, a cryptic expression on her before turning to the right…Guess Father Osiris must have given her a bunch of Hail Marys and Our Fathers for homework…Poor Magdalena, she always prayed and prayed but God just did not really listen…I love my wife, but at times she could be difficult at to say the least. Thus, I perfectly understood that the man up there did not have much patience for her as well.

“Mr. Solis, Father Osiris is already expecting you.” Her sweet voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

“Blessed me Father for I have sinned.”

“Yes. I am well aware of that Mr. Solis.”

“Uh?” I frowned at him, confused by his “Oh I see, my wife came here to complain about me instead of focusing on her numerous sins, right? I bet you gave her a lot of Hail Marys as penance.”

“I would prefer if I were the one asking the questions Mr. Solis.”

“Alright alright. No need to get so serious Father. How many prayers will I have to say to be forgiven?”

“Confess and you shall find your answer.”

“You are full of mysteries aren’t Father Osiris?”

“When was your last confession?”

“Hum…I can’t say it precisely. But I remember my parents dressed me in a white suit…So, I would say it has been approximately sixty years since my last confession.”

“Please proceed.”

“A while ago I had to steal from my childhood best friend and neighbor, Christian.”

“How’s so?”

“Well, my wife only enjoys the finest things in life and since the injury on my leg, unfortunately I haven’t been able to work much.”

“And where does your friend Christian fit in all that?”

“He owed me a couple of hundreds. And when he organized a barbecue last year, I politely asked for them.”

“I am guessing he did not agree, and that you were not pleased by his behavior. So, you probably took matters into your own hands.”

“Amen to that Father. I am glad you understand my reason.”

“What did you do Mr. Solis?”

“One night I put on a Death costume and broke into their overly luxurious home and stole the small amount that was on their safe.”

“Fifty thousand dollars to be exact. That is ten times more of the amount he owed you.”

“Which he was simply saving for his unborn granddaughter to go to college. Can you believe that? I mean there still was a chance the baby might die, and he would not give me the money!”

“As a result, you stole from him. With an extra dose of interest included.”

“If I can be quite frank, he only got what he deserved. He was a selfish friend. I would never do that to him!”

“But did you or did you not deny helping him a few years prior to this incident?”

“I am sorry Father I am old, and my memory is not as sharp as it used to be.”

“If I recall correctly, your friend Christian came to you asking for a loan so that he could pay for his wife’s cancer treatment.”

“Ah yes, of course. How could I have forgotten such credible farse!”

“I am afraid I don’t follow.”

“His wife wasn’t really sick. Every single day, I saw her with my own eyes gardening and doing other housework. I hardly believe a person with cancer can have the strength to do so much.”

“So, you assumed it was all for show.”

“Obviously, Father. I am a man of commendable moral values. If my friend really needed the money, I would have given him in a heartbeat.”

“Did you know that as a result of him not being able to pay the treatments, his wife passed away a few months later?”

“Oh I guess that explains why I suddenly stopped seeing her around the house. But as I explained Father, it was not my fault. His lady should have acted better. Less suspiciously.”

“I see…Any other sins you would like to ask forgiveness for?”

“Well, on top of my head I can just think of one more. But that one is very small and it was not really my fault too.”

“Please explain yourself.”

“I was forced to commit adultery Father.”

“What do you mean you were forced? Did anyone point a gun to your head?”

“No Father. Worse. You see my wife I only enjoys the missionary position and after three decades of doing it…Well, I felt I deserved a break. I deserved to try something new you know?”

“No, I could never know because I am not married. In our line of duty, we like to honor our commitments.”

“I know Father. But it was just this one time. Don’t good men deserve a little treat every once in a while?”

“It all depends on your interpretation of good Mr. Solis. Did you know that as a result of your action, your mistress became pregnant?”

“Yes Father. One day she showed up on my door asking for money to raise the child! Can you believe the audacity? She was a whore and the baby was not even mine.”

“Actually, she was fourteen and still a virgin.”

“See Father that is precisely what I am talking about! Young girls don’t look like young girls anymore. Their provocative bodies and clothes are to blame!”

“Obviously.”

“Now that I have confessed all my sins, can you please tell me what my penance will be? My wife is so ignorant that she might crash my precious car.”

“Of course. Come with me Mr. Solis.”

We stepped out the sinister confessional and he guided me to the same room as he had done with my wife.

I was confused by the two doors standing in front of me.

“I will now answer your earlier question Mr. Solis. Exactly thirty minutes ago you and your wife were in a nasty car crash because you were inebriated as usual. Both your souls descended to the Underworld for me to judge you and decide your fate. Your wife, Magdalena Solis, had been a faithful abider of the Catholic rules, so she was granted eternal bliss in heaven. Thus, the door on the right. You on the contrary, showed absolutely no regret. In fact, you kept blaming everyone else for your immoral actions. As a consequence, your soul shall burn in hell. Please enter the door on your left.”

"But Father there must be some kind of mistake! I have been framed!"

"I am only stating facts Mr. Solis."

"You are behind all of this aren't you?! You colluded with my wife!"

"I can assure I most certainly did not do such thing."

" You fùcked my wife and are using her to punish me!"

" I would appreciate if you did not disgrace the Lord's home with your profane words. If you keep protecting, I will have to ask the Devil himself to come and escort you."

I had started stomping towards the door when all of a sudden Father Osiris called my name.

“Oh Mr. Solis wait! I almost forgot!”

“Yes?”

“Don’t forget the sunscreen! It can get a little hot down there.”