The Descending Cycle

Father often said “life is a series of cycles, there’s a swinging up to the top and there’s descent to the bottom. This is the only truth of life.” Father was a peculiar man. He gave us practically everything but thought nothing of it. Seemingly understood us despite not being there to witness it all. My little sister adored him and always tried to listen and apply everything she learned from him. “Look father! Look I can read this now!”  She was very studious, unlike me. I only knew how to struggle and survive. 

For most of my days I would amble about here or there but never anywhere concrete. Then, finally I was offered a home and a place for me and my sister. But then, even then I was still lost. “Woe is me” I lamented somehow even if I haven’t said it. Even after my little sister began to enjoy herself, I stubbornly couldn’t. “These books and knowledge aren’t anything!” I’d assert.  Then he’d counter me “That, what is “anything”?”. I can’t answer anything big as that, is where’d always end up in any dispute. He sighed, “Son that spirit of yours is not bad, but you need to put it elsewhere.” A pat on my head and he’d leave me there contemplation. 

I, in vain, would always struggle against something, be it physical or not. I didn’t know anything else. Food and shelter are what I looked for with a vicious hunger. Even carrying around my younger sister, I still fought only to our detriment, raiding and scavenging wherever I could. Instead of finding a place and companions, I said, “it was for our survival, the world wants to hurt us!” and left every place in ruin and hurt countless others. “Big brother we have everything now isn’t it wonderful? You don’t have to hurt yourself for us anymore.” Her smile beamed brighter than sun.

We gained family… Our father found us and adopted us, hungry and unwashed children. He gives us names and education. But I couldn’t understand any of it, we had nothing before and everything now? My infantile mind couldn’t make sense of it. “It was a trap” I thought. Young orphan children are easy to trap and exploit. Struggle is the only truth, the only axiom I knew despite not knowing how such a concept could be codified. But my little sister would struggle with books and knowledge as her undertaking. “For such a young one to take such an earnest shine is admirable.” But then he’d glance at me expecting something, but I could never read a room and I’d scowl back like it was a threat. 

My father was baffled, but he could gather himself and find a way forward. This was something I was in awe of. “You’re a very literal child, aren’t you?”  being angry I screamed out “I’m not a child! I’m not literal!” until my voice was hoarse. Father, with a smug assertion “If you’re not literal nor a child, then define what is one and what makes not one either.” I was at a loss on what to do. It’s not if I was facing some monolith that I could flee from, but a direct challenge, I treated it as if it was a threat to my life. 

That’s how I perceived it. “Hmm she’s a child!” I pointed at my sister as she was reading a book. “Yes, she’s definitely a child son, but if you compare her… and yourself.” He stood us both up against a wall and placed his hands over both of our heads. “You’re not that different it seems,” he smirked and chuckled. “But at least I’m not liter-” a book was shoved into my face. “Big brother, look here!” She was spontaneous at times with showing me things. “I can’t read” she looked at me shocked at what I claimed. 

“Why not didn’t you do the alphabets?” she inquired. “No” flatley I spoke.  she gasps, while my father simply just sighed, his usual smile gone. “Fiona dear, read it for your brother. In a loud clear voice, please.” Why are they bothered by this? “Taking words in their usual or most basic sense without metaphor or allegory.” He turned my face asserting “I wonder who just this is?” My vision was hazy and I couldn’t say anything. He walked over to me and rested his hand on my shoulder “There’s nothing wrong with either traits but what is lacking is you not being able to critically think about both.” 

“It’s okay Big Brother I didn’t get it either!” She attempted to comfort me. “Son if you wish prove me wrong,” he rested a book on top of my head “Take this and learn from your sister and then you’ll be able to match me.” I took the book and clenched it tightly. “Is this a challenge?!” My father thought about it briefly and said, “If you take it that way then sure, it's a challenge.”  “Fiona! Come on we’re studying” I grabbed my sister’s hand and set off all just to defeat my father.

That’s how father got through to me. Through education and challenges, “You like competitions, don’t you? You can’t stand being anything less. Then do this then will you be something.” This is how he civilized me through these games. “Big Brother you’re pretty good at finding specifics, how do you do it?” She would often ask me for help when we would study. “I only look for what I need. Figure out that and that’s enough.” She always took my advice in stride. I think she was a genuinely talented person who needed very little. Thank goodness, she received the environment she needed. My father didn’t have too much for her, but me? He was always wrestling with me “You know your father took a great deal of advice as my time as a youth.

“Son I wish to put you through one of the biggest challenges to a youth… the schooling system.” Me, undaunted by a building of learning took it on “I can do this! It’ll be easy”. “Hahaha, here’s hoping you and Fiona will succeed” All my boasts and blowhard behavior only seemed to bring him enjoyment, and my sister exasperation. “I have no doubts in you kids, you’re in your upswing!” with heavy pats on backs. “School sounds like a hassle.” Fiona on the other hand was sporting a smile at the prospect.

But I was always caught up in the games to prove him otherwise, and he was happy to see me improve and succeed, but I never thought of our relationship beyond that. After each triumph, I tried my own smug assertion “I did it old man! I can beat anything you throw at me!” 

With a simple smile and he’d ask every time “Did you have fun?” nothing more nothing less. “Knowledge and learning are the enrichment and food for the mind and soul.” He would always say that after issuing a new challenge. “It’s because we enjoy luxury and that our cycles are in the rise that such opportunities are present to us.” 

I would, in a way, would fight him on the same things with a renewed arsenal from my studies. “These things are still fleeting like all things…” He’d shoot me a look of bafflement sometimes when I’d say such things. “Again? We are doing this again?” He was almost insulted that his son would do this again.

“No”

“Ah I see…” and he’d continue on with the day but with a wistful smile. Eventually down the road, he’d issue me another challenge and I’d accept. “I hope the next one will be in your liking?” A smile that never cracked no matter how many times he presented it. One day, I think when it was my turn to succeed him. Eventually I would reach that point without me even noticing it. “Son, be careful like your needs, learning is something that is never ending journey but not struggle like for nourishment.”.

“I’ll concern myself with that after Fiona is properly finished with her studies!” “Hahaha fair enough young man but, I’ll tell you one thing I couldn’t have done. I couldn’t have anticipated how well you two turned out.” He always fires such disarming statements. “Ah I see…Farewell for now” I am still a child when it comes to expression. 

“Then one day he simply passed away.” It was a peaceful end in his bed with a smile on his face as always. He always tricked me into everything, and I spitefully accepted everything from him. It was always for the better but I wouldn’t see it. Now I am beside myself without a place to put these feelings out in the open

“Big Brother! Big Brother! It can’t be!” she collapsed in my arms and couldn’t bear to hear it. I didn’t react, I was swept through nothing could even prepare me. “No…” Now I had to prepare his funeral and organize it. Fiona was too devastated but during this time, I reflected on our life together. And what was there? Nothing. Just but fights and conflicts. My father for one, never initiated a fight. I only fought back against nothing… 

“Is this how it ended? You left as simply and came into our lives. It was like that, wasn’t it?”

I had tried weathering my upswing instead I only can savor my descent. “Did I waste our ascent, Fiona?” my sister answered I think to comfort me “No Big Brother, you didn’t. We’re strong now and sufficient. “She was never wrong; her instincts were always true. “Then why do I feel so empty and wasted?” she was fighting back her tears “I don’t know.” Finally I said gingerly 

“This was our descent. And alone again it will be. With nothing”