Flume of Doom

Content warning: Strong language

The infamous' Flume of Doom' is like an enormous roof gutter running north to south through Utah, channeling summer run-off from the Wasatch Range.    

And here you are, with your girl, Debbie, and best friend, Kirk, peering down at the rushing water. This is the entry point for daredevils and idiots. And you, sir, are no daredevil.    

This is where you and your friends might be cutting your little road trip short because you're about to stand on the brink of uncertainty and jump into the void of stupidity.      

But before you do anything rash, look at that brochure you picked up at the 'Munch n' Pump' back there in Aurora. You might find it helpful in your pondering …oh, that's right…I forgot…you don't ponder. You just do stuff. Check out the pamphlet. No rush unless you're worried about your girl jumping to her untimely death.    

'QUICK and EASY WAYS TO DIE IN UTAH-from A to Z.'  

A handy guide to the panoramic pitfalls and death traps of Beautiful Utah.  

"hmm… OK, let's see… Mocking Mormons ...no…Teasing Bees…uh…aah, here we go!" the 'Flume of Doom.'    

Arguably the quickest way to 'Die in Utah,' 'The Flume of Doom' is a no-brainer.    

The challenge is to jump in and get back out alive.                    

Sounds simple until you do the math;    

 1st: Take a very, very deep breath, as if it's your last. Your body will cease functioning in the 32-degree water. You won't be breathing for the next few minutes. Try to keep your hyper-ventilating to a minimum.    

2nd: For the Love of Brigham… DON'T FALL DOWN! You, the zany teens you are, will jump into chest-deep water, moving at jogging speed. You'll be slipping and skidding barefoot on the slick, mossy concrete, sliding to your probable death, bringing us to;    

3rd: Holy Maroni, Grab the Mother *@#= ing CABLE!  One hundred yards downstream is a cable stretching from side to side. It looks tired. It's saved scores of lives, not caring if they were extreme athletes or dumb # *@! s. But it's missed a few. Primarily folks who lost their footing. 'R.I.P. if you SLIP' is a good-natured bumper sticker distributed free by the Spanish Fork Moose Lodge.'    

By now, you're probably thinking;    

'So what's the big deal? You miss the cable; you water-slide down to St. George, ending up in the yam patch of some skinny dude named Nathaniel.'    

That's fine if you can hold your breath for 27 minutes.    

Because Loafer Mountain is smack dab in the way, and there's only one way around it, and that's through it, via the concrete sewage pipe you're looking at right now. It is six feet in diameter. Big enough to suck up three or four of you at a time.     

The tunnel is 100 yards past the sagging cable. Cutting through the Loafer Range, emerging down by Historic Indianola.*   

4th: If you are fortunate enough to get out alive, for the love of Christ Almighty, do NOT do SECONDS!  78% of the 'SUCKIES' were doing TWOSIES! Just Thank the Lord you are OUT of the flume, NEVER to get back in!    

*If you want to know more about Historic Indianola, stop by the Indianola Vestibule of Commerce. There, you can speak directly with the Mayor, Alma Farmer.    

Her entire family got scalped and left for dead on their Kansas farm. Asked if that unfortunate miss-understanding might color her feelings towards the local natives, she replied like any stout Kansan would;    

"Heck, no! Them was the dirty, stinkin' Pawnee! I ain't got no issues with these here, Navehoes, long as they stay in their lane!" 'spitooey!'    

So, pick up the annual 'Hold Your Breath-Until Your Death' calendar, featuring twelve heart-stopping autopsy photos of the poor souls flushed through the bowels of Loafer Mountain and shat out down there in the flat lands. You can find them at;   

ZACHARIAH   

Martha, Eloise, Jane & Elma's   

Tractor Repair   

& Kitchen Accouterments   

So Good Luck! Have Fun! And enjoy your stay here in beautiful Utah, no matter how short it may be!    

"HEY, GUYS! Hold on a minute! …this is a bad idea! Let's smoke a joint and look at this funky pamphlet."    

"Hey, fuck your pamphlet! We're goin' in! Are you coming, or are you gonna be a pussy?"    

A man-to-man challenge from Kirk.    

"Fuck you! Look down there past the cable! What is that down there?"    

"Gnarly rapids, dude!"   

"Yeah, gnarly rapids getting sucked into the side of that fucking cliff, dude!"    

"C'mon, Jake! It will be fun!" Debbie said.   

"Let's go, Deb. He's crappin' out!"   

“Ja-a-ake!?”    

Oh, this is good! The classic two males, one female scenario. It's caveman simple.    

"Urk waNt fEmaLe to riVeR takE. Urk fuK waNt FeMale. No Want Urk fEmaLe fUk.  Me mUst bE ManLiEr tHan Urk, To keeP My feMaLe, and gaTHer mOre, enGaGinG iN coPiOus copUlaTiOn. InsuRinG mY geNeTic cOde Will bE a cOrnerStOne oF tHe HuMan genOme.                                             

But fiRst, mE Urk's heAd cRush Big rOck wiTh.                                               

fUK feMalE Then."    

You don't have a choice, do you, Jake? Look at her in her bikini. Legs up to forever, over there with Urk…I mean Kirk, who is manlier than you, if truth be told. He may not know it, but you do. So go on. Make the wrong decision. Better to die a man than live with the shame of being a chicken in front of your female.   

"OK, guys. This is fucking stupid, so we go one time only! Got it? Once!"    

"Sure, no problem. Let's go!"    

 'So that's it. We jumped in, stayed on our feet, grabbed the cable, and got out alive. I remember keeping my abject terror contained, maintaining my manly façade...so all is good! Time to get the fuck outta ...what?'    

"You want to do it again? No, no, that's not right...you guys aren't... don't... no, I'm just gonna sit here... and watch...you guys die… 'cluck cluck' Gimme a smoke before you go 'meow'."